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Mi chiamano donne sconosciute a casa per piangere. Chiamano me dopo avermi trovato facilmente sugli elenchi, per raccontarmi di come a quaranta, cinquanta, sessanta e così via – serie numerica che aumenta di dieci fino a limite morte – si ritrovino con una casa vuota di affetti e un marito che torna per ripigliarsi i mobili che aveva comprato. Perchè lui ora sta con Svalona, o Lucia, che ha qualche anno meno e indossa scarpe con la zeppa ed i brillantini. Lui, invece, sta in coma cerebrale. Mi chiamano perchè credo sappiano (e agognino) cosa le attende: una mala rimproverata, una scarica di parolacce e urlacci. Esci da codesto tumulo che hai spolverato giorno dopo giorno. Oppure. Hai allevato merde, che ti aspettavi, il poutpourri?

Merde sono i familiari generati di una donna, qualunque donna: i figli, le nuore, i nipoti, il marito numero uno, due, tre e anche l’amante. Esseri mononucleati parassitari che necessitano di uno specchio affettuoso in cui vedersi, che non indugiano di fracassare quando la loro immagine non corrisponde più a quello che si aspettano. Per anni le esondazioni genetiche tornano: a pranzo. A cena. Il fine settimana. A fine conto in banca. A fine storia d’amore. Tornano come le anguille nell’ansa del fiume, come i maialini di latte che si attaccano alla mamma. E lei, la mamma, è felice. Prima di tutto perchè ogni parto è una piccola lobotomia, ma anche perchè l’amore non si divide, si moltiplica – e quella stupida è la donna più ricca del pianeta.

Il dimenticarsi di sè, la dedizione al progetto vita familiare non sono prerogativa di chi figlia, ma stanno sicuramente nell’elica di dna che sorregge l’essere femmina. Sono così intrinseche che ad un certo punto ci sono due vie, una peggio dell’altra, che possiamo imboccare: la prima, l’oblio. La vita con lo sgrassatore mezzo pieno. Sei chilometri ogni giorno fra la spesa, il lavoro se c’è – non è davvero importante, in questa direzione – e lo sport dei bambini. Maledetti sport e maledetti organizzatori di sport per bambini. Il pianoforte di Carlotta e il Go Kart di Sasha. La via alternativa, la seconda, è quella eroica, dei paletti – questa è zona mia, questo giorno è per me, raccattati le mutande brutto lurido se no ti dò fuoco alla macchina. Questa porta univocamente a Fish-Wife Land, la terra delle mogli urlatrici, dei bambini che parlano male di te con le madri degli altri (quelle che fanno pane e marmellata), il marito che c’ha la segretaria gatta morta.

Quindi: puf!, ecco, sono passati trent’anni. Così, nello stesso tempo in cui avevi scoperto l’anticalcare per la lavastoviglie sei diventata una signora. Ed è bene che tu abbracci il concetto altrimenti diventerai una di quelle poveracce che al ristorante agghiacciano il cameriere di diciassette anni con Non sono signora, brutto imbecille, sono una ragazza e dammi del tu. “Sì, signora. Vuoi l’acqua gassata?”. Hanno ragione loro, le “ragazze”, perchè non si sono accorte del delta tempo; e alla scuola alberghiera dovrebbero introdurre un corso in Emancipazione Emotiva del Cliente, per testare se un cliente abbia coscenza della sua età o se sia il caso di battergli un cinque a prescindere dal suo aspetto.

Ma c’è un giorno in cui questa agonia finisce: il marito ha trovato l’altra metà del suo quarto. I figli sono grandi. La casa di famiglia è diventata un guscio e i materassi sono vecchi. Tutto è vecchio. Tutto fuorchè loro, le ragazze. Passa qualche mese di disperazione e poi inizia il processo di delobotomizzazione, una si ricorda di avere dei capelli, una faccia, e un armadio con cose colorate. Le viene a mente che esistono le regioni, i libri e persino i concerti. Facebook, già, Meetic, MetUp – con dentro magari la Rina, la Pina, la Nina, che si faceva la scuola insieme nel settantadue, ti ricordi? Le vedi a giro con il sorriso che si allaccia dietro la testa. Impostano skype sul cellulare e si leggono la rassegna stampa sull’iPad. Si mettono (finalmente) i pantaloni a vita alta e le scarpe basse, perchè tanto che ci frega. Con sciarpe e spille enormi.

Mi chiamano prima di allora, prima del mercatino delle verdure biologiche nel centro della città, prima di iscriversi al teatro sperimentale che gli fa schifo (ma c’è il maestro argentino che ti tocca dappertutto per spiegarti la posizione giusta – che si sa, fa sempre piacere). Poi ci sono gli immigrati: garbiamo loro grasse, magre, alte, basse, purchè con permesso di soggiorno disponibile. C’è una fetta nuova di mercato, dunque. E poi c’è San Culo. Chè una ragazza, una mattina, pensa ormai di avere trovato una nuova stabilità, un suo nuovo ritmo solitario, e si innamora come una povera imbecille. Di chi? Di uno. Uno che capita. Uno che è meglio. Uno che ci somiglia di più, perchè stavolta non abbiamo fatto tutta la manfrina e ci siamo presentate per quello che siamo. Forza “ragazze”. Leviamo le spille però.

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