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Sono stata ad una premiere a vedere il film The Croods, la storia della mia famiglia nella versione che va a finire bene.

Naturalmente ho finito tutti i pacchi di popcorn ricoperti di miele offerti dalla Disney & Co a noi persone importanti che si va agli eventi per fare clamore. Ho terminato il mio, quello della bambina e anche quello dell’Inglese, la mia dolce metà, che mangia e veste solo cose raffinate, di certo non un pacco di questi. Ogni boccone mi ha reso più triste di quello precedente: il mio cervello, così lasco in ogni dipartimento, è invece un contatore automatico di calorie ad altissima precisione e un erogatore di sensi di colpa allo stesso tempo.  

Naturalmente dopo che li ho finiti ho pensato che avrei potuto non finirli, oppure non aprirli affatto. O ancora fare come accade spesso, cioè gettare lontano dalla mia portata fisica quelle cose che vorrei divorare come un animale, portandole alla bocca con le mani e masticandole a bocca aperta ed emettendo suoni come un cinghiale di montagna: pizza, patatine, cioccolatini, merendine particolarmente farcite e, soprattutto, avanzi. Salvo ritrovare cartocci sugli armadi con dentro pezzettini di alimenti trasmutati in ambre colorate e repellenti.

Non ricordo i primi venti minuti del film, giacchè li ho spesi a pensare al fatto che stavo dragando tre pacchetti giganti di popcorn coperti di miele invece di guardare il film, ossessionandomi che avrei potuto mangiare altro se proprio volevo incamerare tutte e settecentoventi le calorie contate, o forse avrei proprio potuto eliminare l’opzione dello sbocconcellare in toto: oh, se conoscessi la leva da tirare giù, il bottone da pigiare, per potermi smarcare dal desiderio della bocca piena che mi prende fin da piccina come un virus malevolo.

L’ultimo mio pensiero della sera è rivolto al registratore di cassa calorica: quante ne ho incamerate oggi? Domani, se sono stata brava, ho un posto che posso non riempire nello stomaco che si è svuotato un pochino, quindi ho un potenziale che mi fa forza.

Questo corpo idiota non si svuota più di tanto dopo la discesa in paradiso che è stata liberarmi di sedici chili, e quindi siamo ormai fermi irrimediabilmente fra cinquantanove e sessanta, con punte a sessantuno dopo la teglia di lasagne (intera) che un giorno, all’improvviso, ha trovato la via del mio cervello e ha iniziato a chiamarmi alle due del mattino. Lasagne e maionese. Lasagne nel fornetto a microonde, calde fuori ma ancora divinamente fredde dentro. Lasagne gelide mangiate con le mani. Pareti di lasagne con stratificazioni e colate di besciamella. Lasagne irrobustite dal freddo e dal tempo che raggiungono una consistenza sublime prima di calare, cicciotte, dentro la trachea e poi lo stomaco, per farmi compagnia la notte.

Il primo pensiero del mattino è il ricordo della sera precedente, quando vado a ripescare la sequenza che mi ha portato a letto: era tempestata di lasagne o sono stata morigerata? Ho ecceduto nei bicchieri di vino, tre invece di due come da ricetta? Ho infilato quella mano lercia dentro la scatola dei biscotti secchi? Ho mangiato dieci croste di pane tralasciando la mollica per sentirmi meno in colpa? Ho aperto il forno sognando che ci fosse un trancio di calzone, magari l’angolino, l’ho trovato e con felicità infantile l’ho posto nello stomaco senza nemmeno masticarlo?

Mi sono imprigionata in un dolce reclusorio fatto di piccole manie. Non ceno con niente altro che non siano due bicchieri di vino. Alle otto. Fra le tre del pomeriggio e le otto c’è solo posto per acqua bollita col limone, tea, caffè solubile, latte, tutto quello che si può buttare giù senza preoccuparsene. Oppure c’è il fallimento totale, l’inizio della discesa rovinosa, sotto forma di un avanzo trovato che apre la voragine e non la richiude finchè un intero piano di un frigorifero è svuotato, finchè non gira la testa come dopo un grande piacere.

Non c’è via di mezzo: tutto, o niente.

Il grande digiuno continua fino al giorno dopo. Non la colazione, che è  per i calmi di spirito e per me è solo un cappuccino, ma il pranzo, il mio premio. I dieci minuti in cui torno normale e posso spengere il calcolatore, posso accellerare, dare agio ai desideri più luridi, incluso passare il pane dentro gli angoli d’olio e aspettare che qualcuno lasci la mia grande passione, gli avanzi, per curarmeli dopo, quando sparecchio.

Mi piacciono gli avanzi, che raccontano la storia di chi non li ha mangiati. Come i vestiti di seconda mano e i colori come il vinaccia.

juanita

50% business, 50% eggs benedict

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