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juanita

E ci siamo. Non allo scarto gioioso e feroce dei regalini da parte dei piccini, che mi ricorda il minuetto animale fra iene e carogne, ma alla fine vera della gioventù: la fine dell’attesa con sorpresa, decretata dal sapere con precisione cosa sta sotto l’albero e l’ordine esatto con cui tutto va aperto, al fine di ottenere quel climax disegnato mentalmente. 

C’è un regalo per papà, uno per mamma, mezzo per ‘nonno’ – vero o finto che sia – cento per la piccola erede occidentale, il nostro tutto, l’essere umano per cui morte e malattia sono diventate non più un fatto della vita ma una persecuzione da parte del Cielo.

Per me cose profumate. Ho sviluppato un nuovo tipo di memoria che sta tutta nell’olfatto, e che mi spinge senza nemmeno troppa vergogna dentro palazzi illuminati tipo esplosione nucleare, a spruzzarmi velocemente con Farenheit, Floris, Trussardi, Valentino, Esteè Lauder (molti) e molte altre essenze che sono appartenute sia a me che a persone da me molto amate: non posso magari averle accanto, ma posso chiudere gli occhi un attimo e riprodurle lì attorno al mio naso, abbracciarle per un attimo.

Quindi nel mio sacchetto ci sono candele enormi al fico e cassis, la mia nuova extravaganza, e un’essenza greca che si chiama ‘filosoficos’.

All’Inglese volevo regalare un libro di un monaco buddista che spiega come l’ordine esteriore sia preghiera e cura del proprio animo, poi ho pensato che quelli che ti vogliono cambiare ti fanno sempre dei regali orrendi e ho optato per una cremina profumata e autoabbronzante, visto che pare che la più grande felicità nella vita gli venga dall’assomigliare a una staccionata coperta di coppale.

Oggi pasteggiamo con la futura ex moglie dell’Inglese – è mio divertimento privato e grottesco quello di annunciare l’evento come “il grande pranzo di Natale dalla moglie di Erin” ed aspettare la faccia attonita dell’interlocutore. Segue sguardo prolungato sulla (povera) piccina. I due rimangono sposati per motivi legali, con buona pace dei due nuovi arrivati che siamo io e l’altissimo Andrew, ovvero l’opposto esistenziale del suo predecessore – uomo di rugby, crocs e birrino in spiaggia. Io ho raccolto il testimone di Panty, la moglie, ovvero l’uomo che estrae bottiglie di champagne dalle radici degli alberi.

La nostra piccola unità altamente disfunzionale si muove generando sorpresa e sconcerto nel resto dell’umanità, specialmente quando si scopre che lo zio non è il nonno e non è nemmeno il babbo, ma una via di mezzo fra un tutore e un assistente psichiatrico allora assegnato al giovine americano oggi padre di mia figlia. Una creatura mitologica che ieri, vigilia di Natale – interno, rinomato pub per famiglie zibillo di genitori allegri e coppie con pacchetto, ciack, azione – quando ho risposto “tea” alla domanda “che prendi?”, avendo io pronunciato la parola similarmente a “teeth” si è tolto il nuovo ponte con tre denti e me l’ha porto: favoloso.

Lo zio, come lo chiamiamo tutti, è innamorato della Mezza Pinta, unica femmina che abbia fatto breccia nel suo cuore e che lo maltratta a piena manica. Capace di gesti inconsulti, tipo decorare la casa con una serie di statue falliche africane o ricordare ad una tavolata piena di persone ‘normali’ – ogni tanto ne conosco qualcuna anche io – quelle belle nottate infuocate con i preti in campagna. Lo zio è gay non più praticante, anche se quando passiamo davanti ad Abercrombie & Fitch ci fermiamo assieme ad osservare quei figlioli pieni di salute e addominali come arance che ci fanno ben sperare in un mondo migliore.

Lo zio è persona grata presso tutte le boutique di Dior Bimbo di Londra, dove prenota vestitini e pellicce per mia figlia, e Dio ci perdoni tutti quanti per i nostri atti e le nostre omissioni.

Ho una piccola unità che è disfunzionale perdavvero, e ce ne andiamo a giro anche oggi sperando di trovare un filo di amore e delle risposte alle domande con cui non possiamo smettere di tormentarci, affinchè non ci piglino di mala sorpresa fra ventanni.

I miei sono tutti in haute-couture oggi e, se lo zio resiste alla tentazione di levarsi il ponte coi denti per lo champagne di rito, è fatta anche questa cazzo di volta.

juanita

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La personne doit également avoir des notions de psychologie afin de déterminer la part de sorcellerie et celle de troubles psychologiques fréquents chez les patients. La personne doit posséder une bonne hygiène de vie, notamment spirituelle puisqu’il n’est pas inutile de rappeler que le succès de la « roqya » dépend de Dieu. Ces critères sont difficilement évaluables, surtout par une personne qui est affectée par un mal-être, quelle que soit sa source. C’est pourquoi les proches doivent accompagner la personne dans la recherche d’un soignant qualifié et reconnu comme tel par des référents religieux de la localité (imam, responsables associatifs, etc.). De manière générale, le soignant doit posséder des qualités déterminées que nous pouvons synthétiser de la manière suivante. Il doit : être en capacité de lire le Coran, croire avec certitude au Coran, être empreint de piété, connaître les pièges et les caractéristiques du diable et des djinns, connaître la méthode prophétique de la « roqya », disposer de connaissances de base en psychologie, avoir la conviction que le succès de sa thérapie dépend de Dieu. A l’exception de la première exigence, il semble difficile de vérifier les autres conditions dans le cadre d’un entretien téléphonique avec une personne que nous n’avons jamais rencontrée, même si elle se présente sous le titre de « cheikh » ou d’un imam. Par conséquent, ces conditions soulignent une première limite quant au recours à la « roqya » par téléphone. Par ailleurs, à l’instar de tout médecin, le soignant doit, avant de prodiguer des conseils ou une médication, procéder à une consultation. Ainsi, un environnement adéquat est indispensable pour la réalisation d’une « roqya ». 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Malheureusement, tous les témoignages transmis à l’UFCM soulignent que l’interlocuteur insiste à plusieurs reprises sur la gratuité de la prestation. Or, dans les faits, cette dernière est payante puisque le coût de la communication est surtaxé. Ainsi, l’une des victimes qui nous a contacté, s’est retrouvée avec une facture téléphonique (hors forfait) de 1800 euros. Par conséquent, nous constatons que ces « roqyas » gratuites sont fondées sur la technique dite du « call-back » qui consiste à amener une personne à rappeler un numéro surtaxé, information qui lui est bien évidemment dissimulée. Une « roqya » peut être payante à condition de respecter un cadre prédéterminé, fondé sur l’information et la transparence des honoraires. 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