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Ad un certo punto abbiamo affittato una casa enorme.

A me piaceva perché avevo spazio per nascondermi, la stanza della servitù dietro l’acquaio in cucina con il suo bagno rosa acceso e la porta nascosta, e una dispensa dove rinchiudersi in caso di assassinio imminente. 

Era vuota, che era un plus quando ci suonavo la chitarra, e immensa.

Nel corridoio si poteva andare in bicicletta e la piccola ci metteva quasi trenta secondi a percorrerlo tutto, per poi finire spiaccicata al mobile su misura, in fondo, con i bussolotti per la roba sudicia da mettere in lavatrice.

La proprietaria riscuoteva in contanti e ogni mese c’era questa trafila per cui si bussava alla sua porta, si discuteva di niente per mezzora e noi due disgraziati si ascoltava la lezione di vita di questa donna molto precisa – un evasore fiscale, ma molto attenta ai dettagli. La signora aveva una copia di chiavi che usava per entrare in casa ‘nostra’ a controllare che tutto fosse in regola quando eravamo via. Era in possesso del mio numero di cellulare e mi mandava messaggini tipo “Mi raccomando, ha lasciato la persiana del terrazzo davanti aperta: siccome è prevista una perturbazione le chiederei gentilmente di chiuderla di modo che non si sbrecchi”. Oppure. “Ho notato che ha spostato la retina dalla camera della bimba nel terrazzo di dietro, non pensa che le intemperie potrebbero rovinarla?”.

La signora aveva un corpo svelto di ginocchio nervoso e un occhio che tradiva evasioni giovanili, una fame ormai placata solo dal blocco note con gli affitti da riscuotere ed i dispacci da dare agli inquilini affinché mai si dimenticassero di lei, mai. Quei tempi erano andati.

Un giorno sono salita per dare la busta con l’affitto e ci ho trovato una donna sulla cinquantina che poi ho scoperto essere una ragazza sulla ventina. “Questa è la sua collega, occupava casa sua (mia) prima di lei: vede come rimaniamo in buoni rapporti?”. La ragazza che pareva una vecchia messicana sfiancata era semi immobile sul divano, aveva uno sguardo vacuo, come quello di una persona ritardata, e quando le avevo sorriso per vedere se dava cenni di vita aveva abbassato gli occhi e allungato la mano guardandomi i piedi. “Piascére”.

Il resto della discussione si era svolto con la proprietaria che ci dispensava piccole storie di vita di grande qualità, la ritardata catalettica che giocava nella sua testa a un-due-tre stella e io con una busta in mano piena di fogli da venti e cinquanta in attesa di avere l’onore di poter pagare e levarmi dai coglioni. Sinceramente non so come facevamo a pagare, io con la mia piccola società in enorme sofferenza e il mio fidanzato che aveva perso lavoro e senso della vita, ma in qualche modo si saldava e ci rientrava anche l’aperitivo dal giovedì alla domenica al bar delle zoccole, un gin & tonic due euro.

Il divano aveva dei buchi giganteschi e io lo adoravo.

In un primo momento avevamo pensato di cambiarlo, poi avevo scoperto la gioia di guardare la televisione (dodici pollici, ma con Sky regalato da mamma) con la tazza di caffellatte infilata dentro un buco del divano. Dentro. Così non si rovescia e ci puoi dormire accanto.

L’idea di comprare un nuovo divano si era ripresentata nelle nostre teste in più momenti. Più che altro per non fare impensierire gli amici.

Avevo preso il coraggio a due orecchie ed ero andata a trovare la Signora in un orario che non fosse stato stabilito mesi prima, in un giorno che non fosse stato segnato sul calendario e riconfermato via sms. Le avevo chiesto se potevo, perfavore, comprare un divano nuovo. Mi aveva risposto ‘Certo, purché quando se ne va rimetta al suo posto quello vecchio’. Non mi era parsa una grande idea: il gusto del comprare il divano nuovo era proprio quello di fischiare il catafalco nella spazzatura. Tenerlo in qualche altra stanza, gigantesco com’era, non era un’opzione.

“Ma se glielo lascio, quando vado via?”. “No”.

Aveva le braccia conserte, le ginocchia unite sotto le mani stese, le ciabatte pelose e le calze color carne quando mi aveva opposto un ‘no’ secco ma sorridente. La caviglia magrissima tradiva altro che discorsi campati in aria sul cambiare mobili: lei era il mare, il vento, i denti bianchi e gli occhi verdi, il bikini rosso e la birra col cappello di paglia. Non mi poteva sopportare, la Signora, eppure a me era simpatica.

Ero tornata a casa mia (sua) sollevata da una spesa che non avrei dovuto fare, avevo fatto breve comunicazione all’Inglese, che aveva cominciato una delle sue invettive contro l’Italia, contro il Papa, la Toscana e tutto quello che poteva ferire me e il fallimento di vita morigerata cui lo stavo obbligando.

L’inglese all’epoca era persona non-grata, giacché era in uno dei suoi periodi meno fortunati e più alcolici – pessimo binomio, io invece sono una happy tipsy, una di quelli che quando bevono un bicchiere di troppo ripetono le cose molte volte e si schiantano dal ridere. Aveva perso la cirimbaccola, la direzione e, alla fine, me.

Per farlo rientrare in sé mi era toccato spaccargli il naso a calci, e poi cambiare casa senza dirglielo. Era tornato al Paese suo, mi era toccato dire a tutti che me le dava per trovare una cordata di solidarietà, anche se ero io che l’avevo bastonato ben bene, e mi ero trasferita di nuovo a casa dei miei genitori, ora abitata solo da mamma, assieme alla piccina che aveva accolto la notizia con inaspettata gioia.

La piccola aveva due, tre, quattro anni, non ricordo, e affinché non si accorgesse di nulla avevo spaccato il naso all’Inglese a calci, sì, ma con una felpa attorno alla scarpa e in tarda nottata. Avevo aspettato le tre del mattino, avevo messo la sveglia, quando lei dormiva profonda e lui era profondamente stordito da una delle sue uscite disperate.

Aveva provato, lui, ad urlare, ma da piccina il mio papà mi aveva insegnato come bloccare il morso dei cani grossi con il pugno, e mi era venuta questa idea di usare la stessa tecnica: funzionava. Il suono moriva in gola, mentre con l’altra mano l’avevo incaprettato, in qualche maniera, con una sciarpa.

Ricordo il sangue e i suoi occhi, finalmente, spaventati. Coscienti. Dopo due anni di obnubilamento, di caduta in una spirale senza senso, mortifera, era la luce, la speranza – e un sacco di dolore.

Sono piccola, ma fortissima.

Penseranno che sono pazza, che sono una violenta, invece io dico che certe volte le parole, troppe parole, fanno solo male. Quando uno perde la cirimbaccola, se davvero gli vuoi bene, bisogna che tu riporti la discussione allo zero usando la tecnica di caccia delle orche assassine con le foche, il linguaggio di Cro-Magnon, il bianco e il nero. Non c’era altro da fare, e io lo sapevo bene dentro di me.

Avevo comunicato alla Signora che me ne andavo, le avevo reso le chiavi brevi manu e, in un eccesso di zelo, le avevo anche comunicato che avrebbe probabilmente dovuto chiamare la polizia per sloggiare il mio testardo partner, momentaneamente dolorante nel salotto svuotato di tutto fuorché del divano coi buchi.

Si era seduta, pronta a impartirmi la Lezione Finale e, ne ero certa, a reclamare i suoi diritti sui mesi di notifica, il mese in corso, i debiti del terzo mondo e quanto eravamo sbagliati, noi. Con quella povera bambina.

Mi ricordava tante persone che ho conosciuto. Quelle che iscrivono i figli a Cepu di nascosto, perché si devono laureare nonostante – come me – non ci capiscano nulla, se no la vicina di casa chissà che risate si fa. Quelle che quando c’è un divorzio prendono la parte del più ricco, stavo per scrivere più forte, perché non c’è nulla come uno status sociale da difendere di questi tempi. Quelle che comprano le borse di Vuitton dai cinesi e poi esultano quando i cinesi muoiono nelle fabbriche. Quelli che promuovono prodotti in banca che sanno finiranno male. Quelli che comprano la casa alle aste fallimentari, con le mura intrise di dolore ma ad un prezzo che, hey, è irrinunciabile. Queste persone, che ti rimangono addosso come una scoreggia particolarmente acuta sul tram, e tu non vedi l’ora che si riapra la porta per respirare aria fresca, non viziata, e liberartene per sempre.

L’avevo interrotta prima che iniziasse, e si era colorata come un camaleonte su una mela rossa.

“Con tutto il nero che hai fatto in questi anni, questo mese non te lo pago. Non ho tempo di darti la notifica di due mesi come d’accordo, ma sono sicura che affitterai questo appartamento nel giro di pochissimo, che non mi manderai sms minatori e che quando ci incontreremo ci saluteremo come amiche. Ora vado, devo lasciare la casa prima che lui torni a casa, se no non mi fa andare via e si mette a piangere. Ciao. Grazie, eh”.

Di fatto ci siamo rincontrate solo una volta, in pasticceria, l’ho salutata io ma lei è rimasta gelida, contrariata. Stava verificando una nuova inquilina al tavolino della pasticceria, davanti ad un buon tea all’arancio e una praline charlotte. La candidata aveva con sé un sacco di carte e credenziali, inclusa la busta paga: ci vuole un’ottima reputazione, in questo Paese, per poter pagare un proprietario di buon gusto in contanti.

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