Ciglia finte

Juanita de Paola

Gli anglosassoni si sono raffinati parecchio. E’ difficile camminare in centro a Londra, ammesso e non concesso che la capitale sia in qualche modo rappresentativa del tutto, e incontrare una ragazza brutta, trascurata. Ci sono le bionde altissime e le more di pelle chiara, le rosse romantiche e le punk magrissime. In ogni caso ciglia finte, passatine, fiocchi, cappotti spaziali, scarpe altissime, piercing sensuali.

Sembrano lontani i tempi in cui sul vernacoliere venivano ritratte come assatanate di maschio italiano e di birra. Ruttatrici eccezionali, violente e grosse.

Ieri abbiamo pranzato all’Ivy, dove solo alcuni entrano. E anche noi, grazie all’Inglese e alla sua pervicacia. Ci hanno seduto al bar invece che nella saletta privata, e l’ho trovato giusto: non amo i salti sociali (li temo) e non ho venduto dieci milioni di dischi, quindi ho quasi provato sollievo nel downgrading. I nostri commensali, però, di milioni di dischi ne avevano venduti parecchi, quindi ci è comunque toccato il salone privato del tea, dopo. Abbiamo festeggiato i shièiièèpndici anni del mio fidanzato, ormai ignoti nella loro esattezza anche alla sua stessa madre. Sulla tortina ho fatto mettere tre candeline, una per ogni neurone del mio amato.

Qualcuno mormora che ne abbia trentanove. A me non interessa: è disturbato di mente a prescindere dall’età. Emotivamente è in quinta elementare. E’ favoloso, diverso, irragionevole – una vera testa di cazzo. Ed è mio, per ora.

Dentro l’Ivy campeggiavano uomini con le scarpe quadrate e pochi capelli – si rassegnino quelli con la testa bella e fluente, di essi non è il mondo dei ricchi con la fidanzata popputa. Fulvi o pelati, perlopiù, avevano tutti addosso il ghigno sicuro di chi ce l’ha fatta a comprarsi la macchinona e ora si può permettere anche una donna bombastica, genticamente modificata con o.g.m, Oh Guarda Manza.

Una mora con la sesta ritta, il sedere che sta in due coppe di champagne, ossa senza spessore e faccia ipertrofica – età non individuabile fra i venti e i sessanta, caschetto alla Rosa Profumo, mi è passata davanti agganciata come una borsa a un nano grasso con i denti in dentro. Ho passato i successivi venti minuti a immaginare chi potessero essere i suoi genitori: un vatusso e una gommista? Una lampada Kartell e una protesi?  L’uomo cinese più alto del mondo e un’anfora greca? Chi lo sa.

Nella sala c’era un’umanità di manze variegatissima, ma credo che avessero un menù diverso dal mio, giacchè biasciavano tutte valeriana e rapanelli. Giuro che nella mia carta, due metri quadrati di pietanze, non c’erano. Ho ripiegato su una tartara da urlo, un sashimi di tonno, una frittata di granchio e patatine fritte à là franscès. Fatte a mano. Con mostarda fatta a mano. Divine.

Le ragazze con unghie perfette, occhio nero spolverato, nasini dritti e affusolati, jeans skinny e tronchetti alti, denti fosforescenti, lì, nel mezzo della sala eccezionalmente decorata: matrice inglese, atmosfera austriaca (la migliore), servizio e menù francese. Un compendio di giuste scelte architettoniche, un esempio di servizio quasi perfetto, prezzi tuttosommato corretti per il centro di Londra – un piatto principale, sulle venti sterline.

Tutto, qui, tende a farti dimenticare chi siano davvero i nostri cugini più tattici, gli inglesi, e quale fenomeno abbia trasformato negli ultimi ventanni queste donne di caviglia solida in giunchi sessuati, diafani, sciccosissimi.

Bisogna andare al gabinetto, prendere uno dei giornali, sfogliarlo tutto arrivando alle ultime due pagine, per ricordarlo immediatamente: questi sono ciabattoni dediti al ricamo e al pub. Questa, l’Inghilterra che io amo perdutamente, questa la mia unica consolazione quando penso di dovere finire qui i miei giorni. Il fenomeno improvviso di evoluzione estetica dell’animale anglofono può essere il premio di secoli di duro lavoro sul senso di responsabilità, la capacità di reagire alle condizioni avverse, l’eredità del retaggio culturale e snob della Nazione. Ma io preferisco pensare ad un meteorite con la polvere magica, caduto qui nel mezzo, che abbia colpito graphic designers e femmine, impostando doti taumaturgiche in entrambi i grandi gruppi.

Le pubblicità in fondo al giornale, dicevo.

E’ il mese delle poltrone a sconto.

I sofà più brutti che un occidentale possa immaginare: pesanti, enormi, con fiori marroni su tela gialla. Poltrone che diventano letti che diventano cubi. Poltrone con i telecomandi per matrone di sessantanni, con i duroni ai talloni e i denti beije. Donne che si addormentano davanti alla televisione dopo sedici gintonic, con la sigaretta in mano, e che bruciano vive nel cuore della loro casa che puzza di fish & chips. Altro che ricostruzione cinese delle unghie e passo svelto: pachidermi che fanno le trine e le mettono in cornice, anche nei gabinetti con la moquette marroncina attorno alla tazza. Donne con le unghie abbastanza forti da scrostare il nero negli angoli della casa, fra il battiscopa di farina e il muro invecchiato. Femmine da lancio del giavellotto, non da struscio parigino.

Sofà per tutti i gusti, a rate, con farfalline ma anche con rombi. Tripli sofà che diventano letti king-size per ospitare schiene bianche che al sole di Forte dei Marmi o Saint Tropez diventano rosa fucsia e poi tornano dealbate. Divanoni soffici dove fare pisciare i gatti e poi, subito dopo, fare sedere gli ospiti – salsicce, fagioli, frittata e birre come se non ci fosse domani. Rutti sommessi e sedute copiose nei bagni senza finestra.

Torno volentieri nella sala dell’Ivy dopo avere letto Week End, l’inserto di qualcosaltro gentilmente lasciato al bagno da qualcuno. Ripasso, le riguardo. Già me le vedo fra ventanni, tornare alla loro vera natura, come gli obesi che dopo la dieta riprendono il doppio dei chili. Culone inchiavabili.

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