Categorie
Juanita de Paola

Dicembre 2003

CAPODANNO

Un altro anno. Quando c’è il trailer di un film che arriva a Maggio dell’anno dopo, sequel di Il signore dei tranelli, Matrix 4 : il digestivo, Harry Potter e il diploma di laurea e così via, uno non vede l’ora che arrivi. E lì sta l’errore. Si dovrebbe dire “speriamo di essermi scordato che c’è Terminator 5: La guerra dei Costanzi”. Inizia il 2004, anno in cui faccio 29 anni e in cui tutti si peritano a ricordarmi che presto saranno trenta, che sono vecchia. E vecchia lo sono, da quando ho sedici anni, ho sempre percepito la gravità del tempo che passa e avevo paura di crescere già quando era un’età per non pensarci. Ho altresì cominciato a preoccuparmi di tumori e malformazioni fino dai tredici, quattordici. Io non ho il maldigola quando ho il maldigola, ho un tumore maligno in fase di decomposizione che si è esteso fino ai piedi. In genere papà e mamma mi caricano in macchina a forza e mi fanno vedere da un dottore che mi chiede di smettere di fumare. E io lo faccio, finchè non mi passa il dolore. Poi riattacco. Ma insomma che cambierà questo anno nuovo? Intanto sono tutti numeri pari e per chi pratica la Cabala vorrà pure significare qualcosa. Per chi invece è iscritto in palestra significa rinnovare la tesserina e basta. Anche la pelle e l’aspetto, il comportamento, sono sempre stati da golfino color pastello più che da chiodo, capelli un pò scialbini. Insomma, non ho nulla da perdere nell’invecchiamento. Considerando che con l’età poi si allungano il naso verso il basso e gli occhi verso l’alto sarò infinitamente più graziosa fra una decina di anni. Mi ricordo una volta il buon Sgarbi disse che la punizione più feroce per una bella donna che ti aveva detto di no era aspettare qualche anno. E rincontrarla. C’è chi miete prima e chi dopo. Anche gli uomini cominciano a farsi considerevolmente più interessanti dopo che quel duaccio sparisce dal numero età. Riescono a trattenere una conversazione senza ripetere io più di seicento volte ogni due minuti, e ammettono persino qualche debolezza. Non programmano l’esistenza farcendola di aspettative come se dovessero vivere per sempre e come james bond. E’ bello invece imparare un pò l’arte della passività, dello scivolo, della giornata che è andata, che sta andando, che andrebbe comunque. Ma questi sono doni dell’età, oltre alle ginocchia e alle guance che si assottigliano perchè i tessuti diventano meno rubizzi. E poi prima o poi il Costanzo dovrà finire.

BON TON DELLE FESTE: ORGANIZZARE LA PERMANENZA NELLA CASA DI CAPODANNO

Premessa Invitare un amico con il morbo celiaco rischia di compromettere seriamente l’umore della compagnia di Capodanno, specialmente se porta i piatti e l’impianto stereo e se la spesa di basava sull’offerta 6×2 fusilloni rotanti della Penny Market. Apparecchiare con i piatti di plastica e i bicchieri di plastica e le posate di plastica porta gli invitati alla ricerca di suppellettili di ferro qualunque, anche candelabri, per nutrirsi. Credere che l’usufrutto delle uniche due camere matrimoniali sarà rivolto ai singles non è utopia, è superbia. Le coppie che prima di capodanno sembravano tranquille mostreranno il loro vero volto al momento di spartirsi i fischioni, le amiche che sembravano normali si metteranno a piangere alle undici e smetteranno a feste finite, gli amici di infanzia porteranno la persona peggiore possibile e senza quota di partecipazione alla festa. Il turkish Kebab non è un antipasto light. All’inizio della permanenza ci saranno 60 bottiglie di vino rosso piene di cui 40 merdose e 20 buone. Alla fine della vacanza ci saranno 214 vuoti di bottiglie più 40 bottiglie di vino merdoso ancora da stappare e da riportare a casa in sei con una macchina sola. Il deposito da lasciare per la casa aumenta in maniera direttamente proporzionale all’avvicinarsi della consegna delle chiavi. La proprietaria della casa abita accanto alla casa affittata. La depressione del capodanno non ha ancora rimedio, quella del primo dell’anno con la sensazione di avere buttato via i soldi è addirittura invincibile. Ci sono due asciugamani in bagno per sedici persone, quattro bagnoschiuma e nessuno shampoo, un solo spazzolino da denti e nessun dentifricio, ci sono i pomodori pelati ma non l’apriscatole, le bottiglie di vino ma non il cavatappi e 10 seide per undici persone più un divano luigi XVI nella stanza accanto, ma l’ingresso del salotto è 2/3 della larghezza del divano e 1/3 se lo si ribalta. L’acqua calda è finita due minuti prima che io entri in bagno. Gli unici simpatici e singles della compagnia vanno a Parigi e partono senza avvertire. Le uniche due simpatiche e singles della compagnia rendono un inferno la permanenza ai botoli lessi e in coppia. Il mio migliore amico ha la febbre a 39 ed è senza macchina. Il telefonino riceve messaggi solo dai parenti.

Rimessa Organizzare la vacanza di capodanno è un crimine contro l’umanità che viene punito con la sua realizzazione.

BON TON DELLE FESTE: ORGANIZZARE LA FESTA DI CAPODANNO

Tratto da ” La legge di Murphy”.

Legge di Murphy:
Se qualcosa può andar male, lo farà.
Corollari:
* Niente è facile come sembra.
* Tutto richiede più tempo di quanto si pensi.
* Se c’è una possibilità che varie cose vadano male, quella che causa il danno maggiore sarà la prima farlo.
* Se si prevedono quattro possibili modi in cui qualcosa può andar male, e si prevengono, immediatamente se ne rivelerà un quinto.
* Lasciate a se stesse, le cose tendono ad andare di male in peggio
* Non ci si può mettere a far qualcosa senza che qualcos’altro non vada fatto prim a.
* Ogni soluzione genera nuovi problemi.
* I cretini sono sempre più ingegnosi delle precauzioni che si prendono per impedirgli di nuocere.
* Per quanto nascosta sia una pecca, la natura riuscirà sempre a scovarla.
* Madre Natura è una puttana.
Sorridi… domani sarà peggio.
Costante di Murphy:
Le cose vengono danneggiate in proporzione al loro valore.

Versione relativistica della legge di Murphy:
Tutto va male nello stesso tempo.
Chiosa di O’Toole alla legge di Murphy:
Murphy era un ottimista.
Chiosa di Goldberg alla chiosa di O’Toole:
O’Toole era un ottimista.
Teoria di Nagel sulle origini della legge di Murphy:
La legge di Murphy non è stata scoperta da Murphy, ma da un altro uomo con lo stesso nome.
Corollario di Kohn alla legge d i Muprhy:
Due torti sono solo l’inizio.
Corollario di McDonald alla legge di Murphy:
In ogni serie di circostanze, la corretta linea d’azione è determinata dagli eventi successivi.
Settima variante di Zymurgy alla legge di Murphy:
Quando piove, diluvia.
Postulato di Boling:
Se sei di buon umore, non ti preoccupare. Ti passerà.
Legge di Iles:
C’è sempre un modo migliore.
Corollari:
* Quando il modo migliore ci sta davanti agli occhi, specialmente per lunghi periodi, non lo vediamo.
* Neanche Iles lo vede.
Quando tutto va bene, qualcosa andrà male.
Corollari:
* Quando non può andar peggio di così, lo farà.
* Se le cose sembrano andar meglio, c’è qualcosa di cui non stiamo tenendo conto.
Le proposte sono sempre capite dagli altri in maniera diversa da come le concepisce chi le fa.
Corollari:
* Se si spiegano le cose in maniera tale che nessuno possa non capire, qualcuno non capirà.
* Se si fa qualcosa con l’assoluta certezza dell’approvazionedi tutti, a qualcuno non piacerà.
* Se si vuol mettere qualcuno di fronte al fatto compiuto, il fatto non si verificherà.

Prima legge di Scott:
Qualsiasi cosa vada male, avrà probabilmente l’aria di andare benissimo.
Seconda legge di Scott:
Quando si trova e si corregge un errore, si vedrà che andava meglio prima.
Corollario:
Quando si capisce che la correzione era sbagliata, sarà troppo tardi per tornare indietro.
Osservazione di Schnatterly:
Se qualcosa non può andar male, lo farà lo stesso.
Paradosso di Silberman:
Se la legge di Murphy può andar male, lo farà.
Estensione della legge di Murphy:
Se una serie di eventi può andar male, lo farà nel peggior ordine possibile.
Corollario di Farnsdick al quinto corollario della legge diMurphy:
Dopo che le cose sono andate di male in peggio, il ciclo si ripeterà.
Estensione di Ga ttuso al quinto corollario:
Niente va mai così male che non possa andar peggio.
Legge di Evans e Bjorn:
Qualunque cosa vada male, c’è sempre qualcuno che l’aveva detto.
Prima legge di Finagle:
Se un esperimento funziona, qualcosa è andato male.
Seconda legge di Finagle:
Qualunque sia il risultato di un esperimento, ci sarà sempre qualcuno pronto a:
* fraintenderlo;
* falsificarlo;
* credere che si sia prodotto in virtù della sua teoria preferita.
* Prima tracciate le curve che vi servono, poi trovate i punti che corrispondono.
* Ogni esperimento deve essere riproducibile, e fallire sempre allo stesso modo.
* Non credete ai miracoli: contateci ciecamente.
La probabilità che qualcosa accada è inversamente proporzionale alla sua desiderabilità.

Quando qualcuno cerca di raggiungere un ob iettivo, sarà sempre ostacolato dall’involontario intervento di qualche altra presenza (animata o inanimata). Tuttavia, ci sono obiettivi che vengono raggiunti, in quanto la presenza che interviene cerca a sua volta di raggiungere un obiettivo ed è, naturalmente, soggetta a interferenze.
Seconda legge di Sodd:
Prima o poi, la peggiore combinazione possibile di circostanzeè destinata a prodursi.
Corollario:
Un sistema deve essere sempre concepito in modo da resistere alla peggiore combinazione possibile di circostanze.
Legge di Simon:
Qualsiasi aggregato prima o poi cade a pezzi.
Legge di Rudin:
In casi di crisi che obbligano la gente a scegliere tra varie linee di condotta, la maggioranza sceglierà la peggiore possibile.
Teorema di Ginsberg:
* Non puoi vincere.
* Non puoi pareggiare.
* Non puoi nemmeno abbandonare.
Sotto pressione, le cose peggirano.
Legge di Pudder:
* Chi ben comincia, finisce male.
* Chi comincia male, finisce peggio.

Prima legge di Zymurgy sulla dinamica dei sistemi in evoluzione:
Una volta aperta una scatola di vermi, l’unico modo di rimetterli in scatola è usarne una più grande.
Commento di Kaiser alla legge di Zymurgy:
Non aprire una scatola di vermi se non sei sicuro di andare a pescare.
Legge di Dude:
Di due possibili eventi, accadrà solo quello indesiderato.
Legge di Hane:
Non c’è limite a quanto le cose possano andar male.
Legge di Perrussel:
Non c’è lavoro tanto semplice che non possa essere fatto male.
Osservazione di Mae West:
Errare è umano, ma ti fa sentire da Dio.
Legge di Thine:
La natura aborrisce la gente.
Legge di Borkowski:
Non ci si può proteggere dall’arbitrario.
Legge di Lackland:
* Non arrivare mai primo.
* Non arrivare mai ultimo.
* Non ti offrire mai volontario per nulla.

Legge di Schopenhauer sull’entropia:
Se metti un bicchiere di vino in un barile di monnezza, ottieni monnezza.
Se metti un bicchiere di monnezza in un barile di vino, ottieni monnezza.
Legge di Allen:
È più facile entrare in qualsiasi cosa, che uscirne.
Principio di Rockefeller:
Non fare mai niente che non vorresti essere trovato morto mentre lo stai facendo.
Legge di Young sulla mobilità inanimata:
Ogni oggetto inanimato si può spostare di quel tanto che basta a mettersi fra i tuoi piedi.
Legge di Smith:
Nessun problema vero ha una soluzione.
Legge di Hoare sui grandi problemi:
Dentro ogni grande problema ce n’è uno più piccolo che sta lottando per venir fuori.
inversione di Schainker alla legge di Hoare:
Dentro ogni piccolo problema ce n’è uno più grande che sta lottando per venir fuori.
Legge di Alfredo il Grande:
Una buona soluzione può essere applicata con successo a quasi tutti i problemi.
Osservazione di Baruch:
Se tutto quel che hai è un martello, tutto sembra un chiodo.

Seconda legge di Commoner sull’ecologia:
Niente va mai via.
Legge di Guizot:
Si cade sempre dalla parte da cui si pende.
Legge di Sturgeon:
Lo sporco costituisce il 90 per cento di tutto.
Assioma di Bramati:
Tutto suda.

BON TON DELLE FESTE: RAGGIUNGERE LA META DI CAPODANNO

Tratto da ” La legge di Murphy”.

Legge di Oliver sulla dislocazione:
Se ci sei, non ci puoi andare.
Prima legge dei viaggi:
È sempre più lungo arrivare che tornare indietro.
Legge delle autostrade:
Se tutti ti vengono incontro, sei nella carreggiata sbagliata.
Leggi di Athena sulla cortesia stradale:
Se lasci passare una macchina, o
1. starete andando nello stesso posto e occuperà l’ultimo parcheggio disponibile; oppure
2. procurerà un incidente tale da bloccare il traffico per diverse ore.

Postulato del parcheggio:
Non appena hai deciso di parcheggiare a due chilometri di distanza, quattro posti si libereranno simultaneamente sotto casa.
Metodi sicuri per far arrivare gli autobus:
1. Accendere una sigaretta.
2. Allontanarsi rapidamente dalla fermata.
3. Prendere un taxi.

Legge dei semafori:
Se è verde, non hai fretta.
Legge di Quigley:
Un’automobile e un camion che viaggiano in direzioni opposte lungo una strada altrimenti deserta, si incontreranno sul ponticello.
Legge di Reece:
Chi va piano ha del tempo da perdere.
Legge di Drew sulla biologia autostradale:
Il primo insetto a spiaccicarsi sul parabrezza pulito lo farà esattamente di fronte agli occhi del guidatore.
Leggi di Campbell sulla riparazione degli autoveicoli:
1. Se arrivi al pezzo guasto, non avrai lo strumento per estrarlo.
2. Se sei riuscito a estrarlo, non troverai il pezzo di ricambio.
3. Se hai trovato il pezzo di ricambio, non era quello il pezzo guasto.

Leggi di Bromber sulla riparazione degli autoveicoli:
1. Quando c’è bisogno, ogni oggetto a portata di mano diventa un martello.
2. La quantità di grasso e olio di cui ci si cosparge non varia a seconda dell’entità della riparazione.
3. La quantità di grasso e olio di cui ci si cosparge varia inversamente al successo della riparazione.

Legge di Phillip:
Trazione a quattro ruote significa insabbiarsi in luoghi più inaccessibili.

Legge di Femo sulla riparazione dei motori:
Se fai cadere qualcosa, non tocca mai terra.
Legge di Nonno Charnock:
Non imparerai mai a bestemmiare davvero finchè non impari a guidare.
Legge di Vile sulle automobili:
La tua macchina consuma più benzina e più olio di quella di chiunque altro.

BON TON DELLE FESTE: L’APERITIVO Le signore e signorine che vanno a Firenze la sera all’aperitivo dovrebbero evitare le macchine dal cui finestrino sbuca solo la testa, oppure evitare la permanente. Certe volte al semaforo sui viali sembra di avere accanto un pechinese che per magia disenyana si è messo al volante. E comunque questa cosa dell’aperitivo deve rientrare nei ranghi di un’estetica accettabile. Come Cristina Parodi, lady Milano, voglio diventare lady “Vardinievole” e scrivere un libro sul bon ton dell’aperitivo. Non si può, non si può, è brutto presentarsi alle 7 di sera vestiti come Ru Paul e Elton John in “don’t go breaking my heart”. Il tacco a stiletto di gucci trasparente e con le borchie è accettabile a Firenze, dove un bicchiere di vino costa ventimila lire, ma non al circolo arci “la bodolona” di Serravalle. Peraltro altra metà di una macelleria, dello stesso proprietario del ristorante con specialità ciccioli di maiale sulle pappardelle. Non si può altresì indossare un litro di malta sulla ghigna alle sette e mezzo, a meno che nel bar non ci siano le luci stroboscopiche e il dj coccoluto. Va bene un fondotinta in tono. Gli uomini con la scarpa di legno, quella ottagonale in compensato, evitino almeno il gel sulla cravatta della pimpa, perchè la mistura con i cetriolini piccanti e quella visione lascia tracce indelebili sull’io bambino e riduce all’impotenza. Le risvolte più alte di quaranta centimetri – ai pantaloni si intende – solo ai giocatori dell’NBA, oppure organizzare tesseramento per portarci gli amici a giro durante l’inverno. Il rossetto uniposca può essere un problema per chi lava i bicchieri dopo, il profumo Maina Gran Nocciolone è repellente ai fini dell’attuazione della teoria concavo convsso, alisa “poggio e bua fa pari”. La lacca è lesiva della dignità umana ed è metafora poco gentile delle imbalsamazioni egiziane. Nell’eye liner non mettere semi di fico d’india e non farlo arrivare alla prima ruga della fronte. E’ prevista la pena di morte per gli uomini che si fanno le sopracciglia e le donne con gli occhiali della Police trasparente dopo le sei del pomeriggio a starci larghi. Minigonna proibita se si cammina e/o assomiglia a Rumenigghe. Le scarpe a punta inbiscono il maschio latino già vessato dagli eventi. Le meches sono un’aggravante, ma tone sur tone va bene, via. La sottoscritta potrebbe comprarsi un paio di jeans nuovi dopo quattro anni e fargli l’orlo, per esempio. Il fatto che le vetrine di firenze siano tappezzate di roba verde pistacchio acido non autorizza gli utenti a presentarsi come Donatella Rettore o Maurizio Seimandi al bancone dle bar. Tesoro, amore, bella, sono nomignoli che sono più appropriati ad un cane che ad un cliente. Ma se proprio il barista ha appena pippato e si sente in vena di amicizia cross all over the world va bene un ciao nini.

In cucina le girandole di fumo e gli sbuffi vengono meglio, specialmente dopo l’apertura dei pacchi regalo. Specialmente se c’è la lampadona di cucina fatta a gladiolo e bassa sul tavolone di legno. Federica mi ha fatto chiagnere come un vitello tagliato, che letterina. Passi una vita, scolastica e non, a disimparare a scrivere, a farcire meringhe di testo come cassate siciliane, invece un “resta così che per me sei speciale” fa venire un collasso alle sacche lacrimali. Ho ascoltato a ripetizione le caznoni di Natale in tutte le versioni: Jazz, pop, rock, country, sono arrivata persino a Kenny Rogers, e in questa atmosfera da speck affumicato in un maso di legno e hansel e gretel mi sono sdilinquita in biglietti, pensieri felici, gioia, tavolate di quattro cinque ore, ho persino trovato una casa in affitto in Garfagnana, dieci posti letto a 700 euro, una settimana intera. Che c’entra, poi c’è riscaldamento e spese e danni e chissà che, ma rimane che considerate le mie spese giornaliere – un pacchetto di sigarette, una simmenthal e mezza bottiglia di champagne – ho decisamente fatto bingo. Ci danno anche la legna per il caminetto. Il gruppo è dei più poltroni mai visti, nessuna aspettativa e fino al 30 ci starò da me. Caminetto libro sigaretta. Libro sigaretta caminetto champagne. Champagne buondì quaderno penna libro caminetto. Sogno un cenone di capodanno a base di pane e maionese da quando ho sei anni. C’è anche il forno a microonde. Tartufo, mi devo ricordare un pò di tartufo e un po’ di caviale. Caffè, quello me lo dimentico sempre e poi mi viene l’emicrania a grappoli. La casa è di pietra, nel niente, in una conca, casale c’era scritto. Le affitta un omino che non potrebbe e sta basso coi prezzi. A dieci chilometri c’è Castelnuovo garfagnana, a 60 km il primo sbocco autostradale. Si torna il 2.

I pensieri corrono indirizzati a tutti quelli che conosco e che non riuscirò a raggiungere. E a tutti quelli che non ho conosciuto ma che sarebbero persone mera vigliose da avere accanto all’albero. La cena con i compagni di classe, Lisa, Valentina, Matteo, Giulio, mi ha ricordato perchè penso sempre a loro, in good times and bad times. Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Rock, da da daaaa, tutti fuori a finire di fare i regali. Ho preso l’alloro per nonna, cioè, ho rubato dal giardino dei Kalife qui davanti, una decina di fogli. Nonna ci guarnisce l’insalata russa. La bilancia conferma un aumento imprevisto di sei etti ridisegnando l’assetto della giornata, in compenso il vento freddo mi ha fatto venire dei capelli che paio Cindy Crowford ai tempi di “otto minuti”, (pasta barilla, pieni anni ottanta). E’ appena passata Alessandra che è come il bianconiglio, corre di qua e di là, ieri sera aveva la recitina dei suoi bambini in parrocchia, per cui ha allestito un palco da Il Signore degli Anelli, con proiezioni incrociate che talvolta diventavano tridimensionali. La notizia che i Duran Duran stanno per uscire con un nuovo album mi infarcisce di goia ulte riore, te l’immagini la Federica che salta fuori col cd nuovo di pacca e mi fa guarda c’è un gruppo ganzo, e io gli dico guarda bellina che quando io andavo a vedere Sposerò Simon Le Bon in soffitta dalla Lisa squitinzia te non eri nemmeno un’idea del Signore. A me il monclair non me l’hanno mai comprato ma abbondavo di spalline, sia quelle tonde – disgustose – che quelle squadratine modello giuni russo – un pò meglio . E anche i calzini Burlinghton. Mi ricordo un Natale di qualche anno fa, credo quando avevo 21 anni, ero ancora all’università di Pisa ergo in casa della zia Wanda e con la Valentina cugina, il mio alter ego intelligente, ero disperata. Nei biglietti scrissi delle specie di sfoghi psicotici, “vi prego amatemi per quello che sono, non ho ancora ottentuo risultati (?) ma vi voglio tanto bene e vi prometto che darò sei esami (?!), credetemi, la facoltà mi piace tantissimo (?!?!), e vi penso ogni giorno con gioia e serenità (?!?!?!?!)”. Mio padre capì e mi intimò di smettere, stavo anche perdendo i capelli. Poi, mi ricordo sulla spalliera del divano bianco, divano d’angolo fatto fare su misura da mamma, colei che porta femminilità in da house, l’unica, e pensavo: chissà come sarà cambiata la mia vita a 26 anni, sarò fuori di casa e non ci saranno più natali insieme, bisogna tagliare il cordone ombelicale. Chissà se riuscirò a dire la verità. E a sei sette ore dallo scartamento dei pacchetti sono qui a ridere, a sorridere anzi, niente è cambiato. Nulla cambia, il 2 gennaio faccio 29 anni. Sono sempre la solita stronza che deve contare i quindici euro, solo che non faccio più le cose che la gente che mi vuole bene io presumo si aspetti da me. Cioè, via, uno smette di presumere, ma poi è sempre il solito, tutta la vita.

Ecco dove va a finire lo spirito del Natale cara Eva, si corre si corre e non ci si capisce niente. Noi babbinatalisti ad oltranza soffriamo lo stacco tra le settimane orrende pre Natale e questa palla d’ovatta in cui ti trovi tuo malgrado. Poi hai voglia dimetterti davanti ad un caminetto e farti cullare da tutti: babbo natale, befana, amici, fratelli, sorelle, cugini e cane. Tutti accovacciati su delle belle poltrone e via con i regali fatti almeno due mesi prima, un giorno che qualcuno delle persone che ami aveva detto “ma lo sai che mi piacerebbe tanto..”. E tu giù, avevi appuntato e provveduto. La realtà è che siamo una matassa di egoisti che devono dimostrare di non essere “così” egoisti, fare finta di avere pensato con amore a qualcunaltro. Invece di “oddio no m’ha fatto il regalo e io che gli fo?”. Ho chiesto carta quest’anno, tanta carta, per scrivere. Quindi avrò un microscopio a lenti infrarosse che funziona solo se ho freddo. Altrettanto mi sto alambiccando per mio padre. Vorrei regalargli un castello nel Chianti col torrino per farcelo studiare quanto gli pare. Studiare e leggere, gli piace tanto. A mamma vorrei regalare un palco con le luci off broadway, duemila persone davanti e Elvis Costello che suona in background. Un concerto memorabile che lei, cantante anche, adorerebbe fare. Partenza con una di Mina, proseguire con Baby can I hold you di Tracy Chapman, l’abbiamo cantata e suonata almeno cento volte, a casa e nei bar. A Federica, la piccina, uno specchio per vedersi davvero, me lo ricordo che a quindici anni è strano riuscire a focalizzarsi, ad amarsi quindi. Alla nonna un bonus per poter rivedere nonno, sessanta minuti, farlo tornare e farli stare mano nella mano in un bel ristorante, candele e violino. Farfallina la chiamava quel botolo di settanta chili, adorabile botolo, dagli occhi azzurri. Ad Alessandra, sorella mediana – anche a calcetto – un fiotto di raggio paralizzante e un massaggiatore che le rimetta a posto il collo e l’ipofisi dell’ozio. Il massaggiatore dovrebbe essere di duecento chili e privo di interesse fisico per le altre creature giacchè Alex è un mix fra Giovanna d’Arco e Beyonce Knowles che male sopporta ogni attenzione che non abbia richiesto. E una candidatura alle prossime politiche, per farle arringare le folle come le si conviene. Al canino una canina, se no morirà senza avere mai espletato. Poi ci sono gli amici. Per gli amici delle “amiche”, per le amiche degli “amici”, simpatici e che non ci separino se no soffro come un cane. Per me la copertina del Rolling Stones, con la solita scritta “rock is back, Britney is dead”. Due giorni in casa con Erykah Badu per sentirla cantare sotto la doccia e morire lì, di felicità. Un mese a Cuba nella casa che fu di Hemingway per cercare di osmotizzare il suo potere evocativo. Basta basta. E’ ora di ripassare i regali, accoppiarli con i loro biglietti e cercare di mediare i regali di intento con quelli de facto.

MADRID- appunti di un previaggio
Art Jacinto Salvadó This show aims to rescue the figure of Catalan artist Jacinto Salvadó from the oblivion in which he has unjustly remained for years. A contemporary and friend of Picasso and Derain, Salvadó was practically unknown when he died in 1983. His work followed a varied line of development from expressionist figurative work in his early years, through cubism and to abstract, geometric forms in later life. The 30 canvases that comprise this recommendable exhibition all show the vigorous, rhythmic, colourful lyricisms that were constant features of his work.
Until 20 Nov, 10am-9pm Mon, Wed-Sat, 10am-2.30pm Sun, Museo Centro de Arte Reina Sofía
Eating & Drinking TokioHurry Madrid’s newest Japanese restaurant, opened barely a month ago, is a bargain, for the time being anyway, offering special launch prices until a date as yet undetermined. Tokio offers haute cuisine in a wide-ranging menu including all the classics: sashimi, soups, pasta and noodles, boiled veg and fish, fried and grilled dishes. Worth trying is the sample menu at 45 euros for two people. With subtle décor including giant relief landscapes and blue ceiling lights complemented by huge paper lamps, Tokio is a welcome addition to Madrid’s increasingly international restaurant scene. Calle Melzéndez Valdès 64 (34 91 543 0526). Metro Argüelles, lines 3, 4 & 6. Open noon-4pm, 8pm-midnight daily.
Five Day Forecast
Thursday ____Plenty of sunshine. High 13. Low 1
Friday _______Partly sunny; mild and nice. High 18. Low 6
Saturday ____Clouds and sun. H igh 14. Low 9.
Sunday ______Times of sun and clouds.High 17. Low 8

Information DISCOS Madrid WAWALAG Serrano, 85. PACHÁ Barceló, 11. KAPITAL Atocha, 135. JOY MADRID Arenal, 11. THE IRISH ROVER Avenida de Brasil, 7. FREE WAY San Vicente Ferrer, 7. AMNISTÍA 10 Amnistía, 10. BOLSHOI Avenida de Brasil, 5. BUT Barceló 11. CHEYENNE Avenida de Brasil, 5.

NightLife:
Nightowls wil find Madrid a paradise every night of the week. Visitors must keep in mind the late dining hours; restaurants do not even open until eight or nine o’clock. Many night establishments are open until the early morning hours.
_ In the vicinity of the Plaza de Santa Bárbara, the Glorieta de Bilbao and Alonso Martínez, a large number of popular bars, pubs, fast food restaurants and ice cream parlors are concentrated.
_ The bars in the districts of Arguelles and Moncloa are generally frequented by University students and a younger crowd.
_ Malasaña, in the vicinity of the Plaza de Dos de Mayo, has countless cafés and bars with live music, in addition to moderately-priced restaurants.
_ The streets of Paseo de la Castellana, Paseo de Recoletos and Paseo del Prado boast quality restaurants, cafés and popular night spots.
Cafè Central (live music) Off the Plaza de Santa Ana, beside the famed Gran Hotel Victoria, the Café Central has a vaguely turn-of-the-century art deco interior, with an unusual series of stained-glass windows. Many of the customers read newspapers and talk at the marble-top tables during the day, but the ambience is far more animated during the nightly jazz sessions, which are ranked among the best in Spain and often draw top artists. Open Friday and Saturday 1:30pm to 3:30am; live jazz is offered daily 10pm to midnight. Beer costs 400 pesetas (US$2.40). Plaza del Angel, 10 Transportation Metro: Antón Martín Phone 91/369-41-43 Prices Cover 1,300 ptas. (US$7.80); prices can vary depending on the show Café Central
Cafè del Foro This old-time favorite in the Malasaña district has suddenly in the 1990s become one of the most fashionable places in Madrid to hang out after dark. Patronizing the club are members of the literati along with a large student clientele. You never know exactly what the show for the evening will be, although live music of some sort generally starts at 11:30pm. Cabaret is often featured, along with live merengue, bolero, and salsa. There’s a faux starry sky above the stage area, plus Roman colonnades that justify the name Café del Foro. Open daily 7pm to 3am. Address Calle San Andres, 38
Transportation Metro: Bilbao. Bus: 40, 147, 149, or N19 Phone 91/445-37-52 Prices No cover (but may be imposed for a specially booked act)
Palacio Gaviria Its construction in 1847 was heralded as the architectural triumph of one of the era’s most flamboyant aristocrats, the Marqués de Gaviria. Famous as one of the paramours of Queen Isabella II, he outfitted his palace with the ornate jumble of neoclassical and baroque styles that later became known as Isabelino. In 1993, after extensive renovations, the building was opened to the public as a concert hall for the occasional presentation of classical music and as a late-nigh t cocktail bar. Ten high-ceilinged rooms now function as richly decorated, multipurpose areas for guests to wander in, drinks in hand, reacting to whatever, or whomever, happens to be there at the time. (One room is discreetly referred to as having been the bedroom-away-from-home of the queen herself.) No food is served, but the libations include a stylish list of cocktails and wines. The often-dull music doesn’t match the elegance of the decor. Dance nights are usually Thursday through Saturday, everything from the tango to the waltz. Cabaret is usually featured on most other nights. Open Monday to Friday from 9pm to 3am, Saturday and Sunday from 9pm to 5am. Second drinks start at 1,200 pesetas (US$7.20). Calle del Arenal, 9 TransportationMetro: Puerta del Sol or Ópera Phone 91/526-60-69Prices Cover 2,000 ptas. (US$12),including first drink
Clamores With dozens of small tables and a huge bar in its dark and smoky interior, Clamores, which means noises in Spanish, is the largest and one of the most popular jazz clubs in Madrid. Established in the early 1980s, it has thrived because of the diverse roster of American and Spanish jazz bands that h ave appeared here. The place is open daily 6pm to around 3am, but jazz is presented only Tuesday to Saturday. Tuesday to Thursday, performances are at 11pm and again at 1am; Saturday, performances begin at 11:30pm, with an additional show at 1:30am. There are no live performances on Sunday or Monday nights, when the format is recorded disco music. Regardless of the night of the week you consume them, drinks begin at around 700 pesetas (US$4.20) each. Address Albuquerque, 14Transportation Metro: Bilbao Phone 91-445-79-38Prices Cover Tues-Sat usually 600-1,200 ptas. (US$3.60-US$7.20), but varies with act; Sun-Mon no coverClamores
Viva Madrid A congenial and sudsy mix of students, artists, and foreign tourists cram into the turn-of-the-century interior here, where antique tile murals and blatant belle époque nostalgia contribute to an undeniable charm. In the good old days (the 1950s, that is) the fabled beautiful people showed up here, notably Ava Gardner with the bullfighter Manolete when they couldn’t take their hands off each other. But Orson Welles or even Louis Armstrong used to pop in as well. Crowded and noisy, it’s a place where lots of beer is swilled and spilled. It’s set within a neighborhood of antique houses and narrow streets near the Plaza de Santa Ana. Open Friday from noon to 1am, Saturday from noon to 2am. Beer costs 500 pesetas (US$3); whisky begins at 900 pesetas (US$5.40). Manuel Fernández y González, 7 Transportation Metro: Antón Martín Phone 91-429-36-40 Open-air markets. The Rastro is the most famous of the flea markets which opens on Saturdays and Sundays between the Plaza de Cascorro, La Latina and the street of Embajadores. Everything imaginable can be found here from valuable antiques to used clothing, including collector cards, books, records, paintings, etc.
Musei
prado Located in an 18th building designed by Juan de Villanueva, the Prado is considered one of the most important art galleries in the world. It houses masterpieces by Velázquez, Goya, El Greco, Zurbarán, Ribera, Titian, Raphael, Botticelli, Fra Angélico, Rubens, Bosch, Van der Weyden, Poussin, Lorrain, Watteau, Remb randt, Dürer and Mengs, among others.Paseo del Prado.
Metro: Banco de España & Atocha. Open: 9 AM to 7 PM; Sunday 9 AM to 2 PM. Closed: Monday. Telephone: 91 3302800 thyssen bornemisza
This museum houses a splendid collection ranging from primitive Flemish to contemporary works. More than 800 paintings and sculptures, carvings, tapestries and other items are displayed. Villahermosa Palace, Paseo del Prado, 8.
Metro: Banco de España. Open: 10 AM to 7 PM. Cloed: Monday. Telephone: 91 4203944 & 91 3690151

nazionale regina sofia
A cultural center containing a permanent collection of Spanish contemporary art and offering a wide variety of temporary exhibitions covering diverse modern artistic disciplines such as painting, sculpture, video, photography, films, etc. Calle Santa Isabel, 52.
Metro: Atocha. Open: 10 AM to 9 PM; Sunday 10 AM to 2:30PM; Closed: Tuesday. Telephone: 91 4675062 & 91 4674761

palazzo reale
The royal palace is no longer used as a residence, but it has been kept intact since it last functioned as home to the king, primarily serving as a tourist attraction. The entire palace is not open to the public, but most of the more important rooms can be visited. The palace is interesting in its own right, in particular its architecture and gardens (there are two, the Jardines del Moro and the Sabattini gardens). There are also some excellent frescos inside the palace by Tiépolo, and paintings by Velázquez, Goya, Rubens, El Greco, Juan de Flandes and Caravaggio, among others.
Calle Bailén. Metro: Opera. Open: October to March 9 AM to 5 PM; Sunday and Holidays 9 AM to 2 PM; April to September 9 AM to 6 PM; Sunday and Holidays 9 AM to 3 PM. Closed when official acts are held. Telephone: 91 5420059

CAP.1
Cross contaminations
Ibanez si guarda intorno e tutto quello che vede sono i due seni che avrebbe voluto tutti per sè ma che non avrà mai. Il suo senso di inadeguatezza lo fa sembrare ai suoi occhi ancora più brutto, ancora più goffo e purtroppo quando ti ci senti è così che ti vedono. Tutti sanno che stanotte si rigirerà avvolto da quella sensazione di scorame nto che si prova in tutti i modi ad evitare, e provano a coinvolgerlo in qualche discussione qualsiasi ma con il sorriso per cercare di distrarlo, per vedere se quel fischio noioso è solo un questione di noia. Niente. Le notizie sul giornale stamani non aiutano davvero, il rientro al lavoro nemmeno, nessuna prospettiva di diventare miliardario nell’arco di due giorni e potersi prendere delle rivincite almeno nel campo materia e usufrutto. Ci vorrebbe il colpo di fortuna, un riconoscimento stratosferico, per trasformare questo uomo piccolo in un uomo ammirabile. E’ che ognuno si rinchiude dentro una specie di pantano protettivo nel cui interno è proprio difficile fare arrivare anche le cose belle. Verrebbe voglia di bestemmiare. Viene ogni voglia fuorchè quella di vivere una vita che assomiglia alla propria. Ci deve essere un ufficio nell’aldilà dove si sconta un ergastolo tutto particolare per i giorni che si sono lasciati sotto il letto, alzati a malapena con gli occhi gonfi di non voglia. Un’a ltra giornata, e chi l’aveva chiesta. Poi ci sono quelli fortunati, che si potrebbe dire che hanno invece un occhio più intelligente e sanno vedere dove devono correre per fare una buona merenda. E anche del buon vino ci si accompagna con la mortadella e il formaggio tenerino ma acre. Insomma Ibanez comincia a domandarsi chissà quante domande strambe, e più che i minuti si spostano e più che si aliena da tutti. E’ solo un tavolino da cena, ma si è appena trasformato in un consesso ostile, tutti si accorgono del disagio, signore dammi la forza di alzarmi di qui e andarmene via. Ma no, è festa. Ma che festa è, di chi è questo festeggiamento? Mio no. Sta pensando questo. Un’altra sigaretta darà nella sua attesa un pochina di gioia, bisognerebbe anche potersi impinzare e essere davvero felici. Ripensa alla sua grande occasione, sprecata naturalmente, e si chiede se conosce qualcuno che le sue grandi occasioni non le abbia sotterrata fra i come va a finire. Non gli viene in mente nessuno e questo è un punto in saccoccia. Come fa quella canzone della pubblicità? Mi sembra sia la cover di un pezzo d ei Beatles, ma non mi riocordo quale. Lei la canta con la vocina di naso come Billie Holiday, ma non è lei, l’avrebbe riconosciuta. Domani ho l’appuntamento con quelli della Sofis alle undici, se mi muovo bene ci sta di avere un premio dal capo. Domani sera c’è teatro, non so se ho volgia di andarci, certo se venisse Laura.
– Laura vieni domani sera a Teatro?
– Non lo so, perchè?
– No, così.
– Che hai?
– Niente
– E giovedì al cinema?
– Ma che hai, l’ansia? Ma che ne so cosa faccio domani e dopodomani.
Ma vaffanculo. Sempre così, più che hai bisogno.. Se lo sentono quando hai bisogno di qualcosa, tac. Chissà che fa Gagi domani sera, ho due biglietti, viene lui, glielo dico. Poi se lei vuole venire gli dico che non c’è più posto, vedrai la prossima volta.

Lei è tornata e l’ha fatto come sempre, meravigliosa, tragica, sorpresa. All’improvviso, come un vestito che cade. Una collisione mai avvenuta e potente proprio per quello, un filo che non è mai entrato in una cruna ma che potrebbe fare arazzi, non tappeti. Lei torna quando la vita le presenta qualche conto e ha voglia che qualcuno le ricordi quanto è importante, amata. Ma no adorata, ADORATA. Ibanez pensa che lei sbuca tutte le volte che prova a fare il bravo e che ha deciso che ora sta bene anche senza di lei. E con lei ritornano la furia, la fretta, i chili persi nello struggimento. Ma si parla di roba che solo qualcuno conosce, in particolare tutti quelli che si ammalano di bello. Lei è come vorrebbe essere ognuna, solo che è lei, e Ibanez ha avuto voglia di correre e convincersi che era giusto così. Non si può tenere l’acqua in mano per tanto tempo. La musica che stride non fa digerire al ristorante. E fa mangiare di meno. Una parete troppo fredda, uguale, non fa venire l’appetito. Ibanez si rese conto che erano almeno sei anni che non pensava e questo pensiero nuovo lo colpì come un maglio di acciaio, i componenti di un robot d’acciaio. La sensazione di avere navigato idiota in quell’a cquario anche un po’ zozzo gli fece tornare anche a mente del mutuo, del fido, della macchina, di tutto quello che aveva costruito abilmente per cercare di vivere un po’ meno e un pò alla meglio; di tutte le persone che lo sconcentravano quando si mette a fare le parole crociate al bagno, di tutte le maniglie che non avrebbe voluto vedere girare verso la sua stanza, di tutte le inadeguatezze che gli vengono ricordate, solo a lui poi. Era mai stato innamorato? Questo assillo lo accompagna tutta la sera insieme all’odore del ristorante da solo e nemmeno gli sguardi con una lo possono riparare dalla pioggia di pensieri che gli sono capitati fra il capo e il collo. Domani mattina la sveglia è presto, c’è da andare a fidelizzare un cliente di un padrone, il suo. E lui lo farà eccome, c’è la tredicesima.

Non molto tempo fa avevo una telecamera, per discutere su internet e vedere la faccia delle ragazze con cui si parlava di tutto, compreso quello che sarebbe potutto succedere se ci fossimo incontrati, nell’immaginario dell’approccio e anche dettagli che in genere nella vita normale non puoi proprio tirare fuori. Quello che mi angosicava era il fatto che ogni discussione era come la questione dell’aborto: io non decidevo mai. Sempre le donne. Chiudevano connessione e camicetta secondo la loro discrezione che in genere non corrispondeva mai alla mia. I bambini erano ancora piccoli all’epoca ma erano tutto quello che avevo, oltre ai tratti della loro ufficiale creatrice nonché madre nonché mia viperosissima mugliera sulla loro faccia. Anche lei probabilmente faceva uso di quelle macchinette e aveva trovato il suo partner virtuale, l’idea mi dava fastidio, ma sono sempre stato un democratico. Ha sempre deciso tutto lei, a me va bene ogni cosa, purchè non mi si rompano le palle più di tanto. Fra le mie frequentazioni elettroniche ce n’era una in particolare che mi faceva sperare in un mio mondo felice, con lei immaginavo di ripartire e vincere (prima) il superenalotto. Mi sembrava sincera quando mi diceva che avevo una voce sensuale, mi faceva sentire bello. Perché passare dalla rete al telefono è stato veloce, credo sia così per tutti. Ma poi non mi importa, lei valev a la doppia scheda. E così vivevo piegato una vita e arzillo un’altra. Anche lei che pur avrebbe potuto fare quello che voleva, insomma non era come me, sposato. I bambini non si toccano, no, me lo sono sempre imposto. Non ho ancora capito perché sono venuti, se mai ho avuto io l’idea che sarei stato padre. E’ che a un’età dai importanza a una cosa, poi cambi, poi ti accorgi che avevi sbagliato. Il passato è tanto importante per me, i ricordi sono la mia forza ora che anche la voglia di ripartire se n’è andata via. Oddio se potessi sentirmi, sai se quando ero giovane mi fossi sentito fare questo discorso, avrei detto che tristezza, che squallore. Sì perché uno è pronto allo squallore altrui, non al suo. Si crede sempre di potersela cavare in qualche modo, invece non è vero. Qualche volta si soccombe e basta, e si fa quel che si può. Domenica il pranzo dalla suocera, lunedì accompagnare i ragazzi di qua e di là, pagare ogni loro desiderio di felicità per rendere idealmente ai propri genitori i soldi spesi. Avrei voluto interromperla questa catena. “Cari ragazzi, si cambia registro. Come in Germania si fa, levatevi dai coglioni e fatemi godere i miei soldi. È accordato di vedersi per Natale e Pasqua. Vi sta bene?”. Rifiuterebbero quegli squali. Chissà lei dov’è finita, se per lei sono stato importante come lo è stata lei, magnifica ninfetta senza cervello e con qualche verbo sbagliato, ma tanto bella. Come se fosse poco. La penso spesso, anche stamattina. Devo ritirare la macchina alle sei e questo inciderà molto sul tenore dei regali che posso fare a Natale. Non ho sfondato io. Ho iniziato un lavoretto e lì sono rimasto. Guadagno milleduecento euro puliti al mese, in casa mia non manca mai niente né avanza.

Bisogna vederle queste due. Una si è un pò inquattata ma tira lo stesso. Quell’altra, quell’altra. Ieri sera, assorbite completamente dalle mie invenzioni, quanto mi ascoltavano, era un brivido lungo le cosce, in pugno e sul palmo: piazza bella piazza, c’è una leprina pazza pazza pazza. Guardatemi ora, sono il vostro padrone, che sto dicendo? Questo sguardo vacuo mi sta facendo l’effetto di una chicca di anfetamina, potrei parlare per sempre. Domani ho un appuntamento alle undici, peccato, questa era una buona occasione per rapirle e portarmele da qualche parte. Il mio harem, con due. La mugliera sta pulendo di là, devo non fare trapelare l’entusiasmo, le ha portate lei, me la devo giocare bene, se no non me le porta più. Ah guarda tesoro che meraviglia, guarda loro come mi ascoltano che te non mi caghi mai se non per ricordarmi quanto ti sono antipatico. Il pensiero del Natale e del pranzo con le chiatte da diporto mi sta distraendo dalla missione fascino in cui mi sono trovato. Ma chi sono, chi sono, james bond. Proseguo abbondante di particolari sul mio viaggio, invento a sette mani e due piedi, sempre di più fino all’infarto, voglio che mi scoppi una coronaria sotto i loro occhi, morirei da eroe, come non vivo mai. Anzi, spero che entri un ufo e che mi spari con un raggio paralizzante: fermo in questa immagine di potenza e intelligenza virile per sempre. Piazza bella piazza, guardate come gesticolo stasera. Allora bimbe, vi si chiudono gli occhi mi rimanete lì incollate, piccine, ora vi lascio andare a letto. Devo scacciare la foga e i pensieri, devo andare a letto, domani ho un appuntamento importante, la tredicesima chiama e io rispondo. Sono un verme. Sono un verme galattico.
– Ibanez mi pigli quella presina? Ragazze ci vediamo domani, scusatemi, sono stanca e ho i piedi gonfi, vi dispiace?
– No, no, ciao, ciao.
Solo i piedi amore? Hai i piedini gonfi? Forse non ti sei concentrata dulla collottola, da quanto sei ingrassata non si vede più il manubrio, non si vede più il collo. E mi porti via queste due delizie dell’orto. A domani ha detto la stronza, vuol dire che forse domani sera c’è una cena o un dopo cena con le due pulzelle, e non avrò nessun appuntamento dopodomani, posso anche portarmele a Zanzibar e tenerle lì per sempre.
– Ibeniz li porti te i bimbi domani a scuola? Ricordati di lasciarli vicino, cioè falli attraversare e stai attento, l’altro giorno hanno arrotato un bambino. Mi raccomando
– (sì mamma) Ochei.
Ibanez schiaccia il pulsante del telecomando come se fosse l’avvio della guerra nucleare, stessa potenza, è rimasta qualche traccia di virilità dentro dalla discussione, giro di qua, giro di là. Servizio su Helmut Newton, che ganzo, ha trovato il modo di vedersele tutti i giorni senza rotture, guarda questa com’è. Si addormenta come un uccello che non ha migrato, ma non ha compagni intorno, tanto vale dormire.

22/10/2003
Caro Ibanez,
quando ti guardo mi sembri un cavaliere con il colletto a pieghette, non lo so se di preciso sono cavalieri quelli con la calzamaglia. Mi piace il tuo naso, e anche tutto il resto, compresa la barba che non fa mai vedere se sei a ridere o se sei arrabbiato. Però ti si stringono gli occhi. Ti prego chiamami. 29/10/2003
Perché sei passato per non restare? Ho gardato la casella di posta il giorno dopo che ci siamo sentiti, me l’avevi promesso. Se tu mi potessi vedere e se io ti avessi sottomano. Me l ’avevi promesso. Lo so che sei tu e io sono quella per te. Il fatto che tu abbia un’altra accanto non dovrebbe impaurirti, ma come fai a non volere essere coraggioso così? E’ un’ingiustizia che tu non sia qui con me. Ti amo.

01/11/2003
Caro Ibanez,
stamattina ho visto che esiste una chitarra che si chiama come te e ho deciso di scriverti, forse è l’ultima volta. Mi sono messa al bar davanti al tuo ufficio, ho fatto tanti chilometri in macchina per vederti e basta. Avevi il Barbour, lo vedi che ho ragione io, che sei demodè. Mi piaci. Perché non mi chiami?

27/11/2003
Caro Ibanez,
quando parlavamo insieme sentivo che ti veniva la felicità anche a te e sono sicura che mi hai voluto bene. Una volta mentre stavamo chattando mi ricordo che sapevo perfettamente cosa avresti scritto e so che anche tu sapevi quello che stavo per scrivere io. Eravamo, siamo, una cosa sola. Non mi lasciare qui a dover aspettare, mi imbruttisce.

28/11/2003
Ibanez,
non capisco.

28/11/2003
chiamami

02/12/2003
Vaffanculo, come puoi fare così. Ti sei divertito?

14/12/2003
Ibanez,
non capisco. Ma ti voglio dare un’altra possibilità. Chiamami oggi, prometto che non sarò arrabbiata.

15/12/2003
perché non rispondi al telefono?

Ciao riconosco la tua faccia, le luci dei giorni che passano la fanno assomigliare alla mia anche se non ci conosciamo, se non ti ho mai visto. I pensieri e le preoccupazioni sfarfallano qui attorno perciò ho bisogno che tu mi dia una mano, non ti imbambolare anche te, ho bisogno che tu sia attiva. Sì stiamo cambiando, tutti, ma poi alla fine non si cambia mai, lo vedi che non cambia niente? Sai di cosa ho voglia oggi? Di f umarmi una sigaretta buona, perchè non mi è riuscito tutto il giorno, non mi è riuscito nemmeno di lavorare. Ho dovuto fare i conti con certe nostalgie. Stanotte sono stato la succursale del mio stomaco irritato, i sogni di conseguenza, l’agitazione. Stamani avevo voglia di avere un pò di pausa ma è ora, sotto le feste, che si tira il carro: moglie e buoi dei regali tuoi. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome my ologram. Ci vorrebbe una cantante jazz in un locale jazz in un posto jazz, ma stasera ho le prove in parrocchia, c’è la messa di Natale. Manca l’organista, si è fidanzata, io suono la chitarra con mia moglie. Fai finta allora? Cosa fai, arrivi e riparti? Non ti presenti? Pensando spocchiosa di avere una piccola parte nelle mie speranze? L’oroscopo diceva “dichiaratevi, siate chiari, se non vi vuole non vi merita”. Bella cagata, è ovvio che ritengo di non essere meritato nel caso che i miei canti del cigno cadano nella latrina dei maiali d’allevamento. Era sulla risposta da film che contavo, su un vascorossiano ti prendo e ti porto via. E chi sei? E chi ti conosce. Ma mi piaci, e tanto. E poi dovresti essere tu a sperare di essere portata via. Ieri la ragazzina ha di nuovo chiamato. Si è anche appostata sotto l’ufficio dice. Sono terrorizzato. Non mi è mai piaciuta, ma come faccio a dirglielo, non si tarpa un fiorellino a quell’età. Ma quale fiorellino.. quella vuole scopare altro che, chissà che ha in mente. Che enormi, incommensurabili, insostenibili, palle.

Ibanez seduto al tavolo insieme ad altri e altre cominciò a manifestare il suo disgustoso senso dell’umorismo, a lamentarsi perchè non si poteva fumare in una trattoria e a mandare messaggini a sconosciuti sperando che fossero sconosciute. E tra queste che fossero calde e in attesa proprio di un suo messaggio. Aveva comunque il terrore di essere scoperto, era il momento dove si rinvangavano i bei momenti felici della sua famiglia, momenti che lui non aveva mai personalmente vissuti ma che erano ormai passati con decreto ministeriale a stato di buoni, belli, da rimpiangere. Una cosa solo c’era in realtà da rimpiangere, i Chicago in sottofondo, a ricordargli quanto tempo era passato e quanto quelle vocine fossero ancora pedanti, pallose insomma. Arrivano le cozze, tutti giù di mani unte, guarda i bambini. Felici come delle patatine nel loro sacchetto, altrettanto unti, tutta la bocca, le maglie. Ti ripagano, come una canzone di Elvis Costello al terzo bicchiere di rum, quando fai finta di non essere ubriaco: la gente è maligna e pensa sempre che tu sia felice solo perchè sei alticcio. Pensano che tu non sia capace, anzi che tu sia troppo sfigato per stare beandoti di qualcosa che non è anche nella loro testa. La gente è strana, Ibanez ha sempre cercato di essere diverso. La moglie di Fausto, simpatico coglione senza midollo appaiato a donna con dente a balena ma due punti vita attaccati, comincia a mangiare il pesce succhiando le chele, solo che lei non è bella come i bambini. Sono due ore che parla con la mugliera. ma che avranno di tanto appassionante da dirsi. Nulla, garantisco, nulla. Fausto è un idolo, è uno che sono sedici anni che lo conosco e che non ha mai de tto niente. Una vita silente parloando. Cos’è, un Houdinì, un mago del sottovuoto spinto. Mi fa ridere, quando apre bocca e sta per non dire niente. Sarebbe come vedere una banana che sta per starnutire, uno si piscia addosso. Vado verso il bagno, ora apro la porta e dietro ci trovo la mia vita.
– Ibanez
trilla con un nodo in gola o un fischietto in culo la mia adorata mugliera
– hm?
– Guardi se c’è un pezzo di carta igienica che paolo c’ha il moccio, non ho fazzoletti, grazie amore
– sì
Distratto nel viaggio alla mia esistenza di luce mi riconcentro sulla porta. Dietro vorrei trovarci il creatore, fargli qualche domanda ma soprattutto avere qualche risposta, qualche dritta sui prossimi anni. Che faccio, rottamo la vita di ora e rischio un modello ancora peggiore? Rimango qui e faccio i tagliandi? Che devo fare. Vorrei ci fosse uno scenario da caldobagno, quello dove entravano in bagno e erano le maldive, tipo, si buttavano tutti felici. Che tristezza, mi veniva sempre in mente che poi dopo dovevano andare a lavoro lo stesso, anche dopo caldobagno. Ecco vorrei non scegliere, ecco cosa gli chiederei. Vorrei un imperatore io non un dio, levarmi la difficoltà della scelta. Rimani lì stronzo! E allora potrei scappare felice come nella mattina della forca. Mi devo ricordare di comprare la scheda prepagata per i regali su internet. 1963, 2003 meno 1963 fa quaranta. Sono nato di novembre. E non capisco perchè qui c’è solo un bagno per gli handicappati e uno per le donne.

Sono così stanco stasera che sono pure stronzo, mi ci sento. Odissea nella scazzo 2003. Oggi ho provato a vivere un giorno migliore e a spaccare qualche sasso di convinzioni. Ecco il carcerato che si morde la catena e ci si spezza i denti per benino. Giorno di riunione a lavoro, incentivi e panettoni paiono essere diventati la stessa cosa, gonne più corte del solito, ma non sono invidioso perchè sono talmente inetto che se anche fossi donna, se mai avessi le cosce di due metri e un panno a coprire qualcosina non mi incentiverebbe nessuno lo stesso. Insomma, canta Pierrot. Mentre ci comunicavano quanti e quali obiettivi avevamo raggiunto e io mimavo l’insieme di eulero venn vuoto ho dato una scorsa al giornale. Parlava di qualcuno, uno sfigato, un poveraccio comico fallito plus presentatore fallito. Diceva il sorriso triste di piero. Perchè non gli si dà l’opportunità a un comico di essere allegro, no. Da quel maledetto nano con i baffi tutti i comici sono tristi. Lo vedi com’è il mondo? Lo vedi come siamo stronzi, pensavo? Bisogna sempre trovare due chili di sostanza alla forma, se no ci si sente in colpa. Ho preso il coraggio a due mani e ho chiamato, ho fatto ho brigato, mi sono levato da quel cottolengo. Niente panettone alla mugliera Ibanez, speriamo non si arrabbi. E chi se ne frega comunque. Ho appuntato il numero di Katiuscia sul dietro di un biglietto da visita di cartoncino volgare.
– Pronto?
– Quanto prendi?
– Per quanto?
– Dove ti trovo? Vicino al bar della stazione.
– Come sei?
Già mi comincio a divertire. Arrivo e Katiuscia va bene per 120 euro, no fattura. Fatto in tre mosse. Finite le amiche de lla mugliera e scampati tutti i loro sensi di colpa devo cominciare a calcolare queste uscite e sentire il commercialista se posso dedurre dalle tasse le spese. Mi casca l’ispirazione e anche tutto il resto, devo portare un bollettino da pagare a qualcuno, oddio chi era, che era.
– Ibanez? A che ora torni?
– Mi rivesto e torno
– Ma che dici?!
– Scherzo, scherzo. Dimmi.
– I bimbi
– Vado
– Ciao
– Ciao
Mi pettino un attimo e passo davanti all’agenzia di viaggio, con 780 euro posso andare al mare scaldobagno. Meno male che i bambini non riconoscono gli odori che non conoscono. Brava Katiuscia. Ti sono piaciuto?

– Pronto Caterina?
– Ciao stella, dimmi, come stai?
– Insomma, si va.
– Ti sento una voce triste, è successo qualcosa?
– No, non è che è successo qualcosa .. sono un pò giù. Sono due settimane che lo sento lontano. Lo sai..
– Stai serena, magari ha da fare. Non mi avevi detto che ha un congresso a breve?
– S ì, sì, ma che c’entra..
– Ma stai tranquilla; quand’è che l’hai sentito l’ultima volta
– Stamattina
– Che ti ha detto?
– Parlava della piazza davanti al posto dove lavora; lo so che quando fa così sta lasciando qualcosa, non voglio nemmeno pensare se sparisse, muoio, Caterina mi sento così male.
– Calmati, non fare l’isterica. Ti ama, te l’ha detto e dimostrato. Stai tranquilla. Dov’è ora? A lavoro?
– Hm.
– Ma che fai, piangi? Daiiii stupidina.. Vieni da me. Piuttosto, il coglione come sta?
– Ibanez?
– Sì
– Ma che cazzo ne so. E’ da qualche parte. Dammi dieci minuti e arrivo.
– Vai stella.
– Ciao a fra poco, grazie..
– Ma va là.

– Ibanez? A che ora torni?
– Mi rivesto e torno
– Ma che dici?!
– Scherzo, scherzo. Dimmi.
– I bimbi
– Vado
– Ciao
– Ciao
– Ah! Ibanez vado a pranzo da Caterina, ci pensi tu?
– Ovvio. A dopo. Ciao.
– Ciao.

C’è il dizionario di francese vecchio come i miei ricordi sulla scrivania. Sto cercando di ubriacarmi per non ricordarmi quando è che ho perso i miei intenti per strada, quando ho permesso a tutti di diventare ignobili con me. E io di conseguenza. Oddio questo discorso puzza di autcompassione, ma se non ci sono io a darmi un po’ di consolazione chi me la darà. Quando è che ho abbassato le difese e ho permesso al marcio di questi psicopatici di sporcare anche me, per quale motivo al mio me stesso peggiore ho dato la corona del regno. Stamani sono tornato da scuola, con i bimbi in macchina, e mi è tornata in mente Londra, quando vivevo là ogni momento che arrivava, così, semplicemente, con entusiasmo. Sì, ero solo, impacciato, ma era tutto davanti. Davanti alla scuola a riprendere i bambini non mi ritrovo, dove sono; dovrei essere in una prateria a cacciare cervi e bisonti, tigri e avere un ingresso di legno e un caminet to. L’ho sempre voluto cazzo un fuoco dove sentirmi un eroe, mai avuto. Ho avuto tutto fuorchè quello che ho chiesto. Me lo ricordo l’embankement, il freddo, sei sul fiume ma sei in città. E sa di città del nord. Dio com’è bella, così lontana, non ti fa entrare, come una ragazza un po’ troppo lunga e un po’ troppo magra, ma charmeuse. Le spezie nei biscotti, anche quelle sono buone, i dolci confezionati come se fossero panetti norvegesi, ti aspetti sempre l’inverno. Ed è una stagione di assoluta felicità, lì. E’ luce, è tutto, era tutto aldisopra delle mie possibilità. Mi scappa da cagare, deve essere lo sforzo di aver pensato per più di due minuti.

Mi ricordo una giornata in una casa. Avevo quasi ventanni. Lei ne aveva almeno sessanta, sicuramente almeno sessantaquattro. La casa era così bella che avrei voluto farla vedere ai miei genitori, per fargli vedere che ero arrivato facendo finta che fosse mia. Poi non se n’è fatto di niente. Stavo davanti al camino con l’augusta signora che mi aveva insegnato a riempirlo con i legni giusti e a farlo funzionare; teneva tutto nello sgabuzzino fuori, ben diviso per tasso di umidità. Avrei voluto comprarla quella casa, non so con quali soldi e stavamo lì giornate intere, la signora era ricca, poi era diventata povera, poi era ritornata ricca. Ora era solo in discesa. Non era tanto che avevo perso di vista il grande amore e avevo deciso di buttarmi sulla quantità, belle e brutte, giovani e vecchie, e mi ricordo di avere pensato che quella sarebbe stata probabilmente l’unica grinza in cui non mi sarei infilato, e mi faceva pena di una cosa che on avrebbe mai saputo. In casa c’era solo whiskey torbato e un limone in frigo, la balorda sapeva cos’è l’ospitalità. Bicchieri e arredi straordinari, uno stereo grigio super teconologico con bei cd, qualcuno, e robaccia per nostalgici di un tempo che in ogni caso non era il mio. Toquino, che troiata. Dormivo lì, il patto era che offrissi la mia compagnia e che non mi avrebbe mai rotto le palle, non dico che l’avrei picchiata se solo avesse tentato, ma il solo pensiero era violentemente schifoso, mi dava ribrezzo insomma. Aveva le finestre rinforzate perché in campagna tira un vento cane, specialmente a dicembre. Specialmente lì a Camagnani, ridente buco di culo in altezza e sperdutezza. E c’era il cotto e tutto quello che si sarebbe aspettato un british ignorante e con moneta forte, quindi un sacco di gente alla fine. Si stava su due poltrone, separate da un tavolino, davanti ad un caminetto, su legno e intorno legno; la sua più bella, ovvio, la mia gradevole con le gambe tirate su, azione difficoltosa e dolorosa di ritorno se penso alla mia mole. Si stava lì, senza dirsi niente, felici, lei delle mie gambe giovani, io del suo apprezzamento. Mi raccontava di quando era a Parigi e stava in una casa promiscua per figli di ricchi conditi di sinistra. Lei l’ammetteva che non sapeva nemmeno di cosa parlavano quando ne parlavano, ma il fermento quello c’era, te lo potrebbe pitturare. Lei diceva che siamo stati sfortunati noi giovani vecchi. Un giorno prese una brutta infezione giù, mi raccontava, e per farsi controllare chiamò amici e amiche e si fece guardare bene, me lo raccontò come se volesse vedere la reazione. Non ho fatto una piega, la vecchia balorda stava cercando la gara, ma figurati. Si fumava tutti e due come turchi. Stava con uno, ma andava con un altro, rincorreva un altro ancora. In quale categorie di nonne rientra? Mi chiedevo come faceva ad abbracciare i suoi nipoti, sono sempre stato un vigliacco, non mi è mai riuscito prima di allora di buttarmi fra due gambe solo per non sapere che fare, quindi era inevitabile dipingerla dentro di me come una specie di vampirona grottesca. Ma cominciavo a intuire la ricchezza degli incontri casuali, il fuoco e l’acqua per calmarlo, la bellezza della bruttezza. Me le faceva immaginare tutte le scene quel barile di vecchiaia, senza trascendere, brava maitresse del racconto. Lei leggeva e scriveva, io mi annoiavo a morte, ma non c’era niente da fare se non stare bene e ci stavo. La signora mi ubriacò e cominciavo a temere le immagini che mi si dipingevano in testa. Mi faceva schifo come le pubblicità brutte, le stesse che ora bevo come raccomandato. Ti rimangono in testa e ti domandi se l’hanno fatte apposta. C’è la cena con le due piccine amiche della mugliera stasera.

Ecco una persona che crea delle regole che se saranno seguite daranno la felicità. Così ci hanno insegnato, questo abbiamo voluto imparare.Cosa serve per una vita felice? O acquietare i bisogni o sotrarre la loro soddisfazione. Che vuoi? Che cerchi? Certe immagini felici vanno create e in questi quadretti di lega medio bassa le pennellate rosse non ci stanno bene. Bisogna trovare una base, ad olio bella pastosa, e su quella muoversi. Non è più tempo di Picassi qui, è tempo di donne nude tutte uguali fotografate mentre fanno niente, un tentativo di dare un senso a qualcosa che è solo bello da vedere. Passerella vince passera uno a zero.

Ibanez ha preso campo.

Sognare il creatore non è cosa da tutti i giorni, quindi appena me lo sono trovato in macchina gli ho fatto delle domande, anche se la gente era ostile ed ero su uno strano altipiano difficoltoso. NOn ho fatto nessuna domanda, ma mi ha risposto lo stesso. Il bello non è bello perchè gli metti accanto un aggettivo. La bellezza spazia dalla filosofia, alla morale, dall’estetica alla fede. La bellezza è dio in presenza e in assenza. A questo punto chiedo al mio signore cosa vuole dire in presenza e in assenza. Mi risponde che la bellezza esiste ma non tutta si può vedere. Qualcosa è bello in nostra assenza. Invisibile allora dico. No, sei solo tu che non la puoi vedere, ma per altri è palese. Il mio signore cambia sembianze in quelle di una donna che mi attacca e a cui devo rispondere con tutti i miei migliori argomenti, ma è davvero difficile. Sono un pò a Londra, vicino alla casa vecchia, un pò in Africa, in macchina e in aree così aperte da farmi venire l’angoscia. E’ tempo di cena, alla Taverna di Jack a Pistoia. Ora un bicchiere di v ino bianco per la scrittura e uno per la vasca. Tante le volte il Signore venisse a richiedermi di estetica e morale voglio essere pronta a una buona morte.

Retrieving informations from juanita’s buffo come un contrappasso dietro l’altro mi ritorna in mente un inverno di qualche anno fa. C’è da dire che sono un talento a tirarmi le persone dalla mia, nel senso, in un alterco non c’è verso che qualcuno scappi dalla mia posizione. Non lo so perché, non è un orgoglio, non è fatto apposta, non profondamente perlomeno. Insomma mi ricordo quell’ inverno, ero piccina, come se fossero passati venti anni invece che quattro o cinque, e mi ricordo gli occhi della brigata quando detti notizia che non avrei portato il mio fidanzatino in montagna. Ero troppo più brillante all’epoca, si aprivano nuovi spiragli. Non che qualcuno avrebbe solo osato avvicinarsi, ma si aprivano spiraglini. La vacanza fu un trionfo di pasta e trillini di voce, film e caminetti. Poi sono passati tanti anni, poi quegli amici di allora chissà dove sono andati, oggi ci sono persone che vedo qualche volta e sono loro ma non sono più loro, lo stesso varrà per tutte e due le parti. Uno si sposa, uno soffre, uno ripiega, uno è emigrato, uno ha cambiato mestiere, uno non era un amico, non c’erano ragazze a parte me. Ma nessuno più di loro ha assorbito le mie capacità di tour organizer: alla consolle le vacanze organizzate da me, le cene organizzate e cucinate da me, le scuffie capeggiate da me, le vacanze supportate se non qualche volta sponsorizzate da me, me, me e me. Ho imparato da poco il senso dell’amicizia come un contenitore dove tutti buttano e dove i meriti entrano poco. Le skills le chiamano. E infatti gli amici sono diventati amiche perlopiu’ e quella facce sono diventate il dagherrotipo di un tempo che fu, che non solo non tornerà ma che avrebbe potuto sostare solo in quel momento di assenza. Questa è la storia di tutti circa, se non fosse che certe volte non ci si arrende all’evidenza, e si sogna che un giorno ti facciano una sopresa e si presentino a bussare con un rametto di agrifoglio e ti dicano “oh piccina, buon natale. E come stai?”. Aspettative di allora che erano solo mie e che tornano nel Natale di quelli che addobbano l’albero come una meringa ghiozza (troppe palle, troppi colori, troppe lucine) e si arrovellano a cercare il regalo che farà breccia. Ancora. A breve ci rincontreremo tutti e il giorno dopo correrò agli album delle foto.

Forse l’anno prossimo imparo php.

Di juanita

50% business, 50% eggs benedict

772 risposte su “Dicembre 2003”

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Nous présenterons ainsi successivement les conditions liées au soignant (I), les exigences relatives à l’environnement où est réalisée la « roqya » (II). Nous aborderons ensuite la question de la gratuité de la prestation ou de sa contrepartie financière et enfin les conditions dans laquelle elle est réalisée (III). I- Les conditions liées au soignant Souvent la « roqya » est perçue comme une pratique dispensée par un tiers. Or, il est essentiel de rappeler et de souligner un fait important : la meilleure des « roqya » est celle que nous dispensons nous-mêmes à travers le « dhikr » et la récitation du Coran. Ainsi, pour se prémunir des maux liés au mauvais œil ou à la sorcellerie, il convient régulièrement de lire le Coran et faire des invocations notamment celles du matin et du coucher, de réciter régulièrement la sourate « La vache », de renouveler son intention, de placer la certitude dans son cœur, d’effectuer ses prières etc., et surtout de demander à Allah la meilleure des protections. Toutefois, dans certaines conditions, il est nécessaire de recourir à un soignant. C’est à ce stade qu’il convient d’être vigilant. Il ne suffit pas de se rendre auprès d’une personne qui se présente avec la qualité de cheikh ou d’imam pour accepter de lui confier cette pratique. Comme pour tout procédé et encore plus lorsque cela relève de considérations religieuses, il est important de bien choisir son soignant car ce dernier est tenu de posséder des qualités bien affirmées. La maîtrise du Coran et des traditions prophétiques en la matière est une condition sine qua none, mais insuffisante. La personne doit également avoir des notions de psychologie afin de déterminer la part de sorcellerie et celle de troubles psychologiques fréquents chez les patients. La personne doit posséder une bonne hygiène de vie, notamment spirituelle puisqu’il n’est pas inutile de rappeler que le succès de la « roqya » dépend de Dieu. Ces critères sont difficilement évaluables, surtout par une personne qui est affectée par un mal-être, quelle que soit sa source. C’est pourquoi les proches doivent accompagner la personne dans la recherche d’un soignant qualifié et reconnu comme tel par des référents religieux de la localité (imam, responsables associatifs, etc.). De manière générale, le soignant doit posséder des qualités déterminées que nous pouvons synthétiser de la manière suivante. Il doit : être en capacité de lire le Coran, croire avec certitude au Coran, être empreint de piété, connaître les pièges et les caractéristiques du diable et des djinns, connaître la méthode prophétique de la « roqya », disposer de connaissances de base en psychologie, avoir la conviction que le succès de sa thérapie dépend de Dieu. A l’exception de la première exigence, il semble difficile de vérifier les autres conditions dans le cadre d’un entretien téléphonique avec une personne que nous n’avons jamais rencontrée, même si elle se présente sous le titre de « cheikh » ou d’un imam. Par conséquent, ces conditions soulignent une première limite quant au recours à la « roqya » par téléphone. Par ailleurs, à l’instar de tout médecin, le soignant doit, avant de prodiguer des conseils ou une médication, procéder à une consultation. Ainsi, un environnement adéquat est indispensable pour la réalisation d’une « roqya ». Il est enfin inconcevable qu’un médecin puisse vous affirmer par téléphone connaître votre maladie et attester pouvoir vous guérir. Vous auriez plus que des doutes sur ce prétendu médecin. II- Un environnement propice et la réalisation d’une consultation préalable à la réalisation d’une « roqya » Il est intéressant de noter que, dans son ouvrage « Comment se protéger des djinns & satan », Wahîd ‘Abdussalâm Bâli évoque l’importance du climat pour réaliser une roqya[2]. Ainsi, il expose les points suivants : « 1. Préparer le climat adéquat en faisant par exemple sortir les images et les statues de la pièce où on va soigner le malade, pour permettre aux anges d’y entrer. 2. Débarrasser le sujet de tout ce qu’il peut porter sur lui comme talismans ou amulettes et les brûler. 3. Éteindre tout ce qui peut émettre le son de la musique et des chants. 4. 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En outre, il est intéressant de souligner que dans l’un des témoignages communiqués à l’UFCM, l’interlocuteur demandait à la personne de remplir successivement des verres de lait, d’huile, d’eau etc. et de les poser par la suite sur la table de la salle à manger. Au point que la personne s’est retrouvée avec une multitude de verres posés sur la table. Le comble est que la personne ignorait ce qu’elle devait en faire lorsqu’elle a pris conscience de la tromperie. Nous constatons par conséquent qu’une « roqya » ne peut être réalisée dans un environnement quelconque. En effet, une procédure de diagnostic est essentielle. Nous pouvons à titre d’exemple faire le parallèle avec un rendez-vous chez le médecin ; ce dernier ne peut vous prescrire une ordonnance sans au préalable vous avoir ausculté et interrogé sur les différents symptômes que vous ressentez physiquement. A défaut, au lieu de guérir vous allez aggraver vos maux. Cette attitude vigilante du médecin traitant doit se retrouver lorsque nous envisageons le recours à une « roqya ». Pour illustrer ce propos, nous citerons l’exemple de l’anthropologue, spécialiste de l’islam européen, Farid El Asri, chercheur associé au Centre Jacques Berque, qui nous rapporte une situation alarmante suite à une « roqya » : « Une jeune femme en Belgique (…) est morte suite à une tentative d’exorcisme. Pendant les séances, les fkihs (imams) utilisent normalement de l’eau « coranisée ». Pour cette jeune femme, prétendument stérile, les exorcistes ont carrément plongé son visage dans l’eau et quand elle tentait d’en sortir pour respirer, les guérisseurs estimaient qu’il s’agissait du jinn qui l’habitait et ils replongeaient son visage dans l’eau. Pendant le procès, la famille de la défunte s’est présentée comme musulmane et a accusé ces pratiques d’être extérieures à l’islam quand les guérisseurs estimaient qu’ils avaient simplement fait ce qu’ils pouvaient. Le fait de recourir trop systématiquement au fkih risque également de faire passer une crise d’épilepsie, par exemple, pour une crise de possession. »[3] Nous allons aborder enfin la dernière problématique, celle relative aux honoraires du soignant. III- Les honoraires du soignant Le Prophète, bénédictions et salut sur lui, « a agréé les Compagnons qui ont été payés pour la roqya ». Il est dès lors autorisé de rémunérer un soignant en contrepartie d’une prestation. Toutefois, cette rémunération doit être raisonnable et surtout clairement définie avant le traitement. En outre, nous ne pouvons que souligner et rappeler que, si la roqya est réalisée dans un cadre sérieux, il convient de procéder à toutes les déclarations administratives. Comme pour tout contrat, vous devez exiger un document écrit et le praticien doit préciser quels sont ses engagements exacts afin d’éviter tout litige postérieur. Malheureusement, tous les témoignages transmis à l’UFCM soulignent que l’interlocuteur insiste à plusieurs reprises sur la gratuité de la prestation. Or, dans les faits, cette dernière est payante puisque le coût de la communication est surtaxé. Ainsi, l’une des victimes qui nous a contacté, s’est retrouvée avec une facture téléphonique (hors forfait) de 1800 euros. Par conséquent, nous constatons que ces « roqyas » gratuites sont fondées sur la technique dite du « call-back » qui consiste à amener une personne à rappeler un numéro surtaxé, information qui lui est bien évidemment dissimulée. Une « roqya » peut être payante à condition de respecter un cadre prédéterminé, fondé sur l’information et la transparence des honoraires. En conclusion A la lumière des développements susvisés, l’UFCM appelle d’une part à une régulation du métier de la pratique de la « roqya », d’autre part, à la vigilance de chacun à ne pas céder à la tentation d’une « roqya » qui ne serait pas réalisée dans les conditions requises et qui pourrait produire des effets inverses. Au-delà du cadre spirituel ou juridique, les divers témoignages reçus et étudiés par l’UFCM ne peuvent pas nous laisser indifférents à la question suivante : pourquoi des personnes sont-elles amenées à accepter aussi facilement une « roqya » par téléphone ? Est-ce la gratuité qui a déterminé leur choix ? Certes le mal-être produit par cette société est de plus en plus grand. Nous vivons une époque où les êtres sont de plus en plus coupés des signes de Dieu et vivent un rythme de vie effréné. Ces affaires sont révélatrices des maux les plus profonds qui touchent la communauté musulmane. 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