Che ti aspettavi da me?

La piccina non ci fa litigare.

Arriva in camera, anche quando ci massacriamo sotto voce, e dice me l’avevate promesso. Allora io smetto subito, lui continua, io vorrei avere una pistola, lui continua, io dico bestialità che arrivano da luoghi neri, ma sempre con educazione, con la voce bassa. Smettiamo e tutti ci addormentiamo con il torcistomaco. 

Qualche volta meno le mani, sono fortissima, faccio male.

Questo che si addormenta accanto a me è un bambino che non ha preso né carezze né sculaccioni, e tocca tutto a me. Gli uomini li allevo fino da piccola, poi quando sono finalmente cresciuti trovano una donna migliore, meno rigorosa, meno stramba. Li incito ad andare, a svilupparsi, a tornare con una valigia piena di se’, ma capiscono poco e si sentono abbandonati. Mi tradiscono spesso e mi fanno vera tenerezza per questo, perché si sentono tutti molto soli accanto a me.

La piccina dice che spesso faccio la faccia arrabbiata – e me ne vergogno. Il problema è che non me ne accorgo. Chiaro.

Provo sempre ad essere quella signora che aspetta felice che tutti tornino a casa, con l’odore di brodo come una candela accesa di Jo Malone, profumo di famiglia allegra, ottanta euro grazie – centosessantamila lire di cera, te l’immagini, bisogna essere tarati nel cervello. Provo a diventare quella donna che accoglie e non (si) fa domande, ma mi smaschero da sola in poco tempo, torno io e l’atmosfera diventa di nuovo seria, rigorosa. Devo essere stata un gesuita muto in qualche altra vita. Un orso mutilato. Una lavanderina di panni con l’artrite reumatoide impiegata giù, al fiume freddo. E’ questo il livello di conforto che io sento ed emano, specialmente se inserita in contesto sconosciuto.

Era questo che ti aspettavi da me, da noi? Sei contento? Non vorresti ripartire da capo? Non vorresti non conoscermi, cosi magari possiamo passare un’altra di quelle serate tipo Firenze, alle quattro del mattino, io e te senza fine? Perché non mi hai aperto la porta al ristorante? E poi le domande sulle bollette, sul futuro, sulle cose minute, che ci fanno dimenticare il tutto, che ci toccano i piedi come le alghe nell’acqua bassa e, che schifo quella sensazione.

Ti amo.

Sono dispiaciuta di non avere detto nemmeno una parola stasera. Mi dispiace che i tuoi amici pensino che sono pazza. Io sono d’accordo con loro, fra l’altro, ma non vorrei mai che questo fardello ricascasse su di te – ti vergogni di me? Non sapevo cosa mettermi, non ho nulla da mettermi infatti perché i vestiti mi mettono l’ansia, e così pure le persone che hanno più di due paia di scarpe. Tu, no tu stai benissimo, guarda come sei elegante.

Non ceno grazie. Non ceno mai con persone che non mi stanno a cuore e ci siamo appena conosciuti.

Mi guardi, ridi: te l’ho fatta un’altra volta. Ridi, sussurrano, lo so cosa dicono, che sono pazza. Tu no, tu mi metti il giacchetto e mi porti via come si fa coi bambini scemi al campo giochi, andiamo a mangiare quel coso di pollo e verdurine che ti piace tanto, quello da pret-a-manger. Si.

Costa tre sterline quello. Alla cena con quei cosi nemmeno l’acqua costava tre sterline. La gente è pazza, non io. E non mi ero depilata perbene, si vedeva quel pelo tremendo che mi e’ venuto appena sotto al mento, così irto, maledetto, me lo sento crescere un nano millimetro alla volta, e il diametro espandere fino all’orecchio. Nero come la morte.

Non mi piace l’amore che funziona nei ristorantoni, perché senza cornice non vale niente.

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