Woody Allen ha ragione quando dice che la colpa delle crisi familiari odierne risiede (solo) nella madre. Il padre, come risaputo, e’ infatti una figura lateralmente straordinaria nel senso che funge da controllore sulla follia materna, ne asseconda determinate compulsioni in cambio di prestazioni occasionali di pessima levatura, con la sua assenza cronica stabilizza la presenza reboante della compagna; e’ anche fondamentale nella scelta delle vacanze. A parte questi ruoli satellitari e qualche esprit educativo (vedi alla voce contentino) il padre e’ tanto pleonastico quanto adorabile.
La mamma odia le sue figlie finche’ (anche) loro non ingrassano o non si trovano in una di quelle situazioni white trash come il tradimento, la perdita della casa per debiti, la malattia, l’invecchiamento. Ed e’ per questo che fa sempre in modo di non informare nessuna di quello che veramente un rapporto di coppia e’: un massacro affascinante. Non dice loro che mentre erano all’ospedale con la polmonite il papa’ era fuori a caccia (che cazzo, la stagione in Albania dura cosi’ poco) o che per Natale lui voleva regalare loro una scatola di fiammiferi, mentre era lei a premere sul budget. Non ci raccontano, le mamme, che nel periodo di degenza post parto, quando se ti va bene hai una ferita sui genitali che non ti fa respirare, lui – il papa’ – si scoccia, perche’ non puo’ trastullarsi con la sua sposa. Non ci dicono nulla, perche’ se no non passeremmo mai piu’ le vacanze con loro, piangendo tutto il tempo e facendole sentire meglio riguardo loro stesse.
La mamma del maschio, invece, accusa un ictus cerebrale degenerativo contemporaneamente alla nascita del pargolo, che la trasforma in un amplificatore di assurdita’, quelle del suo bambino. Lo tira su celebrando la sua indole fanciullesca, gli serve il caffe’ fino ai cinquantanni e lo aizza, con gentilezza, contro ogni povera donna che si trovera’ davanti; lui ne ha una sola: lei. Se non fosse illegale o socialmente contestabile la meta’ delle mie amiche con figli maschi se li farebbero proprio, appena raggiunta la puberta’: vedi amore, cosi’ si fa, non come quella cretina che ti sei trovato.
La famiglia e’ un nucleo malsano, difatti, perche’ generata da una donna e da un uomo. Non capisco questa avversita’ contro le coppie omosessuali, quando sono l’unica alternativa contemporanea alla dannazione in terra. Dopo qualche anno i due animali in coppia iniziano a dare segni di evidente squilibrio: manca loro un’affettivita’ cara, naturale, buona. Si sono condannati assieme ad un giogo insopportabile, e non sanno nemmeno quello che gli sta succedendo. Ecco cosa: a queste condizioni, non e’ possibile stare bene. Bisogna trasformare la famiglia in una societa’ , se possibile a delinquere perche’ e’ piu’ divertente, dove c’e’ un orario e una programmazione ben precisa. Fuck feelings, direi se fossi a Londra, quelli sono una buona base, ma non possono bastare: ci vogliono i cannoni, la strategia, la ferocia.
Ogni giorno bisogna alzarsi sapendo di stare combattendo una guerra, ricordandosi che il momento in cui non si fiuta il pericolo e’ quello in cui si salta su una mina. Bisogna interpretare il linguaggio non parlato e condividere le proprie deduzioni con il nemico (il partner). Creare periodi di tregua, per non impazzire, tipo vacanze separate o anche serate in cui si frequentano altri animali malati, ma almeno malati di un male diverso, quasi piacevole da constatare. Separare i conti. Separare le librerie. Chiarire prima di partorire chi fara’ cosa coi pargoli – in linea di massima: lei cucina e lui tira le cinghiate e’ un modello che ha funzionato per migliaia di anni, non vedo perche’ sovvertirlo – e i divieti assoluti a priori – mio figlio non fara’ il saluto al sole la mattina, mia figlia non andra’ in una scuola cattolica fra lesbiche incazzate, i miei figli non assumeranno droghe sintetiche altrimenti infibulazione e castrazione saranno considerati.
La donna ha il dovere di liberarsi dello spirito di Hello Kitty e smettere di essere cretina. L’uomo ha il dovere di liberarsi dello spirito di Peter Pan, e portare soldi e umanita’ a casa. La femmina deve capire che il pene e’ importante, fondamentale: lei acquisira’ cosi’ il diritto di diventare centododici chili ma essere amata profondamente dal marito. L’uomo deve capire che lei e’ stata traviata dalla madre, e non capisce che il pene e’ importante. Deve avere pazienza e coinvolgerla, almeno provare, nelle sue fantasie piu’ luride: a lei piaceranno, e le faranno perdere peso. L’uomo deve anche cercare di interrompere la sua relazione morbosa con la madre, avendone pena. La donna deve capire che la parola depressione ha sul maschio lo stesso effetto infervorante e benefico di un altro termine: impotenza – ed e’ per questo che ne puo’ parlare con le amiche, con l’amante, con lo strizzacervelli, ma non con il marito. Quindi la stesura dell’orario, a seguire.
Da appendere sul frigo, vale ogni giorno.
- 7:00 sveglia e preparazione della colazione da parte di lui e dei nani da parte di lei. Lei promette di non aprire bocca e di non uscire dalla stanza vestita da sarcofago o senza trucco.
- 7:30 lui parte per il lavoro e lei lo incita come le donne tedesche nella Germania di Tacito (volume da recuperare, se non lo si conosce, im-me-dia-ta-men-te).
- 7:40 lei indossa i tacchi e lascia la casa in disordine, poi manda un sms al marito dicendo che vuole comprare biancheria sexy, lui le fa il release di carta di credito, lei ne approfitta per fare la spesa (che lui odia), comprare la roba in rosticceria e pigliare un completino in sconto al mercatino (volgare, con pizzo e tessuto sintetico).
- 8:00 lei e lui sono in ufficio, dove entrambi hanno bisogno di stare concentrati quindi, a meno che uno dei figli non sia in terapia intensiva, vietato contattarsi fino alle 13:00.
- 13:00 pausa pranzo con i colleghi piu’ carini, flirtando ma senza arrivare mai al dunque (per non subire mobbing successivamente), lei si scatta una foto col cellulare nella camicetta e gliela manda via mms, tecnica che padroneggia come la vaporella, lui la invita all’aperitivo con i suoi colleghi la sera, scrivendole “ti voglio esibire stasera, se troppo bona”. Lei rifiuta ma e’ felice. Lui e’ felice, non ce la voleva affatto.
- 17:00 lei va a prendere i bimbi a scuola, lui non puo’ perche’ ha un lavoro troppo importante, lei lo sa e non si lamenta.
- 17:10 la mamma legge un libro di nascosto a casa, nella vasca, e si stravacca alla televisione in tuta, pronta all’autocombustione se lui dovesse rientrare all’improvviso.
- 18:00 lui 30 minuti prima di rientrare manda un sms, per non trovare la moglie in tuta e per dare il tempo all’amico della mamma di riprendere il tutto e andare via.
- 18:45: non importa cosa stiano facendo quei mangiapane a ufo dei propri figli: come lui infila la chiave nella toppa lei li scaraventa con una pedata verso il papa’, cui devono urlare “bentornato e grazie di tutto quello che fai per noi” con quanto fiato hanno in corpo, altrimenti la mamma gli spenge le sigarette addosso mentre dormono.
- 19:00 aperitivo e figli con la tata, che ha il permesso di graffiarli in faccia se fanno troppo casino.
- 20:00 cenetta a casa, la tata (tedesca irsuta di cento chili, altrimenti lui tromba anche quella) ha disposto la roba della rosticceria nelle terrine e pulito la casa.
- 20:40 uno dei bambini chiede alla mamma come e’ andata la giornata di lavoro a lei e per punizione salta la gita scolastica.
- 21:00 televisione un’ora tutti assieme.
- 22:30 mamma e papa’ accendono il Pc e navigano nudi su chatroulette.com, combinando qualcosa
- 23:00 la mamma si addormenta abbracciata al papa’ per finta, poi va a dormire nello studio, dove sta imparando il cinese con le cuffiette e ha messo le candele profumate
- 05:45 mamma torna nel letto da papa’ truccata e con i denti lavati, e quando lui si sveglia gli mette in bocca un friski, poi lo bacia appassionatamente
- 06:30 papa’ lascia 100 euro sul comodino, vai e comprati un altro di questi completini, sei uno schianto. Lei ci paga le rate dell’assicurazione privata dei figli.
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Ainsi, pour se prémunir des maux liés au mauvais œil ou à la sorcellerie, il convient régulièrement de lire le Coran et faire des invocations notamment celles du matin et du coucher, de réciter régulièrement la sourate « La vache », de renouveler son intention, de placer la certitude dans son cœur, d’effectuer ses prières etc., et surtout de demander à Allah la meilleure des protections. Toutefois, dans certaines conditions, il est nécessaire de recourir à un soignant. C’est à ce stade qu’il convient d’être vigilant. Il ne suffit pas de se rendre auprès d’une personne qui se présente avec la qualité de cheikh ou d’imam pour accepter de lui confier cette pratique. Comme pour tout procédé et encore plus lorsque cela relève de considérations religieuses, il est important de bien choisir son soignant car ce dernier est tenu de posséder des qualités bien affirmées. La maîtrise du Coran et des traditions prophétiques en la matière est une condition sine qua none, mais insuffisante. La personne doit également avoir des notions de psychologie afin de déterminer la part de sorcellerie et celle de troubles psychologiques fréquents chez les patients. La personne doit posséder une bonne hygiène de vie, notamment spirituelle puisqu’il n’est pas inutile de rappeler que le succès de la « roqya » dépend de Dieu. Ces critères sont difficilement évaluables, surtout par une personne qui est affectée par un mal-être, quelle que soit sa source. C’est pourquoi les proches doivent accompagner la personne dans la recherche d’un soignant qualifié et reconnu comme tel par des référents religieux de la localité (imam, responsables associatifs, etc.). De manière générale, le soignant doit posséder des qualités déterminées que nous pouvons synthétiser de la manière suivante. Il doit : être en capacité de lire le Coran, croire avec certitude au Coran, être empreint de piété, connaître les pièges et les caractéristiques du diable et des djinns, connaître la méthode prophétique de la « roqya », disposer de connaissances de base en psychologie, avoir la conviction que le succès de sa thérapie dépend de Dieu. A l’exception de la première exigence, il semble difficile de vérifier les autres conditions dans le cadre d’un entretien téléphonique avec une personne que nous n’avons jamais rencontrée, même si elle se présente sous le titre de « cheikh » ou d’un imam. Par conséquent, ces conditions soulignent une première limite quant au recours à la « roqya » par téléphone. Par ailleurs, à l’instar de tout médecin, le soignant doit, avant de prodiguer des conseils ou une médication, procéder à une consultation. Ainsi, un environnement adéquat est indispensable pour la réalisation d’une « roqya ». Il est enfin inconcevable qu’un médecin puisse vous affirmer par téléphone connaître votre maladie et attester pouvoir vous guérir. Vous auriez plus que des doutes sur ce prétendu médecin. II- Un environnement propice et la réalisation d’une consultation préalable à la réalisation d’une « roqya » Il est intéressant de noter que, dans son ouvrage « Comment se protéger des djinns & satan », Wahîd ‘Abdussalâm Bâli évoque l’importance du climat pour réaliser une roqya[2]. Ainsi, il expose les points suivants : « 1. Préparer le climat adéquat en faisant par exemple sortir les images et les statues de la pièce où on va soigner le malade, pour permettre aux anges d’y entrer. 2. Débarrasser le sujet de tout ce qu’il peut porter sur lui comme talismans ou amulettes et les brûler. 3. Éteindre tout ce qui peut émettre le son de la musique et des chants. 4. Vider le lieu de tout ce qui comporte une infraction à la shari‘a à savoir, par exemple, la présence d’un homme qui porte de l’or ou une femme qui ne porte pas le voile légal – al-hijab. 5. Donner au malade et à sa famille une leçon de dogme de façon à ce que leurs cœurs ne soient pas attachés à un autre qu’Allah. 6. Leur faire savoir que la façon de soigner est différente de celle des sorciers et des charlatans et que le Coran recèle guérison et miséricorde, comme l’a informé Allah le Puissant et le Majestueux. 7. Diagnostiquer son cas : pour cela poser des questions au malade pour s’assurer de la présence de tous les symptômes (…) ». Or, dans les témoignages communiqués, l’interlocuteur qui se présente comme soignant ne pose aucune question aux personnes. Il débute ainsi la « roqya » directement par une récitation du Coran. En outre, il est intéressant de souligner que dans l’un des témoignages communiqués à l’UFCM, l’interlocuteur demandait à la personne de remplir successivement des verres de lait, d’huile, d’eau etc. et de les poser par la suite sur la table de la salle à manger. Au point que la personne s’est retrouvée avec une multitude de verres posés sur la table. Le comble est que la personne ignorait ce qu’elle devait en faire lorsqu’elle a pris conscience de la tromperie. Nous constatons par conséquent qu’une « roqya » ne peut être réalisée dans un environnement quelconque. En effet, une procédure de diagnostic est essentielle. Nous pouvons à titre d’exemple faire le parallèle avec un rendez-vous chez le médecin ; ce dernier ne peut vous prescrire une ordonnance sans au préalable vous avoir ausculté et interrogé sur les différents symptômes que vous ressentez physiquement. A défaut, au lieu de guérir vous allez aggraver vos maux. Cette attitude vigilante du médecin traitant doit se retrouver lorsque nous envisageons le recours à une « roqya ». Pour illustrer ce propos, nous citerons l’exemple de l’anthropologue, spécialiste de l’islam européen, Farid El Asri, chercheur associé au Centre Jacques Berque, qui nous rapporte une situation alarmante suite à une « roqya » : « Une jeune femme en Belgique (…) est morte suite à une tentative d’exorcisme. Pendant les séances, les fkihs (imams) utilisent normalement de l’eau « coranisée ». Pour cette jeune femme, prétendument stérile, les exorcistes ont carrément plongé son visage dans l’eau et quand elle tentait d’en sortir pour respirer, les guérisseurs estimaient qu’il s’agissait du jinn qui l’habitait et ils replongeaient son visage dans l’eau. Pendant le procès, la famille de la défunte s’est présentée comme musulmane et a accusé ces pratiques d’être extérieures à l’islam quand les guérisseurs estimaient qu’ils avaient simplement fait ce qu’ils pouvaient. Le fait de recourir trop systématiquement au fkih risque également de faire passer une crise d’épilepsie, par exemple, pour une crise de possession. »[3] Nous allons aborder enfin la dernière problématique, celle relative aux honoraires du soignant. III- Les honoraires du soignant Le Prophète, bénédictions et salut sur lui, « a agréé les Compagnons qui ont été payés pour la roqya ». Il est dès lors autorisé de rémunérer un soignant en contrepartie d’une prestation. Toutefois, cette rémunération doit être raisonnable et surtout clairement définie avant le traitement. En outre, nous ne pouvons que souligner et rappeler que, si la roqya est réalisée dans un cadre sérieux, il convient de procéder à toutes les déclarations administratives. Comme pour tout contrat, vous devez exiger un document écrit et le praticien doit préciser quels sont ses engagements exacts afin d’éviter tout litige postérieur. Malheureusement, tous les témoignages transmis à l’UFCM soulignent que l’interlocuteur insiste à plusieurs reprises sur la gratuité de la prestation. Or, dans les faits, cette dernière est payante puisque le coût de la communication est surtaxé. Ainsi, l’une des victimes qui nous a contacté, s’est retrouvée avec une facture téléphonique (hors forfait) de 1800 euros. Par conséquent, nous constatons que ces « roqyas » gratuites sont fondées sur la technique dite du « call-back » qui consiste à amener une personne à rappeler un numéro surtaxé, information qui lui est bien évidemment dissimulée. Une « roqya » peut être payante à condition de respecter un cadre prédéterminé, fondé sur l’information et la transparence des honoraires. En conclusion A la lumière des développements susvisés, l’UFCM appelle d’une part à une régulation du métier de la pratique de la « roqya », d’autre part, à la vigilance de chacun à ne pas céder à la tentation d’une « roqya » qui ne serait pas réalisée dans les conditions requises et qui pourrait produire des effets inverses. Au-delà du cadre spirituel ou juridique, les divers témoignages reçus et étudiés par l’UFCM ne peuvent pas nous laisser indifférents à la question suivante : pourquoi des personnes sont-elles amenées à accepter aussi facilement une « roqya » par téléphone ? Est-ce la gratuité qui a déterminé leur choix ? Certes le mal-être produit par cette société est de plus en plus grand. Nous vivons une époque où les êtres sont de plus en plus coupés des signes de Dieu et vivent un rythme de vie effréné. Ces affaires sont révélatrices des maux les plus profonds qui touchent la communauté musulmane. Par ailleurs, comme l’ensemble des rites islamiques (hajj, halal, pompes funèbres) censés nous rappeler les limites qui déterminent la voie vers Dieu, nous constatons que leur marchandisation trahit de plus en plus leur vocation première. Suffit-il qu’un interlocuteur se présente à nous comme un « cheikh » ou un imam et qu’il nous propose une « roqya » gratuite pour l’accepter aussitôt Ne devrions-nous pas tous nous interroger sur le fait qu’il y ait des musulmanes et des musulmans aussi isolés et aussi ignorants de leur propre religion pour être trompés aussi facilement ? Sommes-nous devenus si dépendants des Hommes que nous en oublions de nous adresser directement à Dieu pour solutionner nos malaises ? Autant de questions que chacun d’entre nous a la responsabilité de se poser. En effet, aucun de nous ou de nos proches ne sont à l’abri d’une telle tromperie. 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