Esci da qui dentro, spirito di Hello Kitty: manuale di sopravvivenza per la coppia, parte I

Juanita de Paola

Woody Allen ha ragione quando dice che la colpa delle crisi familiari odierne risiede (solo) nella madre. Il padre, come risaputo, e’ infatti una figura lateralmente straordinaria nel senso che funge da controllore sulla follia materna, ne asseconda determinate compulsioni in cambio di prestazioni occasionali di pessima levatura, con la sua assenza cronica stabilizza la presenza reboante della compagna; e’ anche fondamentale nella scelta delle vacanze. A parte questi ruoli satellitari e qualche esprit educativo (vedi alla voce contentino) il padre e’ tanto pleonastico quanto adorabile.

La mamma odia le sue figlie finche’ (anche) loro non ingrassano o non si trovano in una di quelle situazioni white trash come il tradimento,  la perdita della casa per debiti, la malattia, l’invecchiamento. Ed e’ per questo che fa sempre in modo di non informare nessuna di quello che veramente un rapporto di coppia e’: un massacro affascinante. Non dice loro che mentre erano all’ospedale con la polmonite il papa’ era fuori a caccia (che cazzo, la stagione in Albania dura cosi’ poco) o che per Natale lui voleva regalare loro una scatola di fiammiferi, mentre era lei a premere sul budget. Non ci raccontano, le mamme, che nel periodo di degenza post parto, quando se ti va bene hai una ferita sui genitali che non ti fa respirare, lui – il papa’ – si scoccia, perche’ non puo’ trastullarsi con la sua sposa. Non ci dicono nulla, perche’ se no non passeremmo mai piu’ le vacanze con loro, piangendo tutto il tempo e facendole sentire meglio riguardo loro stesse.

La mamma del maschio, invece, accusa un ictus cerebrale degenerativo contemporaneamente alla nascita del pargolo, che la trasforma in un amplificatore di assurdita’, quelle del suo bambino. Lo tira su celebrando la sua indole fanciullesca, gli serve il caffe’ fino ai cinquantanni e lo aizza, con gentilezza, contro ogni povera donna che si trovera’ davanti; lui ne ha una sola: lei. Se non fosse illegale o socialmente contestabile la meta’ delle mie amiche con figli maschi se li farebbero proprio, appena raggiunta la puberta’: vedi amore, cosi’ si fa, non come quella cretina che ti sei trovato.

La famiglia e’ un nucleo malsano, difatti, perche’ generata da una donna e da un uomo. Non capisco questa avversita’ contro le coppie omosessuali, quando sono l’unica alternativa contemporanea alla dannazione in terra. Dopo qualche anno i due animali in coppia iniziano a dare segni di evidente squilibrio: manca loro un’affettivita’ cara, naturale, buona. Si sono condannati assieme ad un giogo insopportabile, e non sanno nemmeno quello che gli sta succedendo. Ecco cosa: a queste condizioni, non e’ possibile stare bene. Bisogna trasformare la famiglia in una societa’ , se possibile a delinquere perche’ e’ piu’ divertente, dove c’e’ un orario e una programmazione ben precisa. Fuck feelings, direi se fossi a Londra, quelli sono una buona base, ma non possono bastare: ci vogliono i cannoni, la strategia, la ferocia.

Ogni giorno bisogna alzarsi sapendo di stare combattendo una guerra, ricordandosi che il momento in cui non si fiuta il pericolo e’ quello in cui si salta su una mina. Bisogna interpretare il linguaggio non parlato e condividere le proprie deduzioni con il nemico (il partner). Creare periodi di tregua, per non impazzire, tipo vacanze separate o anche serate in cui si frequentano altri animali malati, ma almeno malati di un male diverso, quasi piacevole da constatare. Separare i conti. Separare le librerie. Chiarire prima di partorire chi fara’ cosa coi pargoli – in linea di massima: lei cucina e lui tira le cinghiate e’ un modello che ha funzionato per migliaia di anni, non vedo perche’ sovvertirlo – e i divieti assoluti a priori – mio figlio non fara’ il saluto al sole la mattina, mia figlia non andra’ in una scuola cattolica fra lesbiche incazzate, i miei figli non assumeranno droghe sintetiche altrimenti infibulazione e castrazione saranno considerati.

La donna ha il dovere di liberarsi dello spirito di Hello Kitty e smettere di essere cretina. L’uomo ha il dovere di liberarsi dello spirito di Peter Pan, e portare soldi e umanita’ a casa. La femmina deve capire che il pene e’ importante, fondamentale: lei acquisira’ cosi’ il diritto di diventare centododici chili ma essere amata profondamente dal marito. L’uomo deve capire che lei e’ stata traviata dalla madre, e non capisce che il pene e’ importante. Deve avere pazienza e coinvolgerla, almeno provare, nelle sue fantasie piu’ luride: a lei piaceranno, e le faranno perdere peso. L’uomo deve anche cercare di interrompere la sua relazione morbosa con la madre, avendone pena. La donna deve capire che la parola depressione ha sul maschio lo stesso effetto infervorante e benefico di un altro termine: impotenza – ed e’ per questo che ne puo’ parlare con le amiche, con l’amante, con lo strizzacervelli, ma non con il marito. Quindi la stesura dell’orario, a seguire.

Da appendere sul frigo, vale ogni giorno.

  • 7:00 sveglia e preparazione della colazione da parte di lui e dei nani da parte di lei. Lei promette di non aprire bocca e di non uscire dalla stanza vestita da sarcofago o senza trucco.
  • 7:30 lui parte per il lavoro e lei lo incita come le donne tedesche nella Germania di Tacito (volume da recuperare, se non lo si conosce, im-me-dia-ta-men-te).
  • 7:40 lei indossa i tacchi e lascia la casa in disordine, poi manda un sms al marito dicendo che vuole comprare biancheria sexy, lui le fa il release di carta di credito, lei ne approfitta per fare la spesa (che lui odia), comprare la roba in rosticceria e pigliare un completino in sconto al mercatino (volgare, con pizzo e tessuto sintetico).
  • 8:00 lei e lui sono in ufficio, dove entrambi hanno bisogno di stare concentrati quindi, a meno che uno dei figli non sia in terapia intensiva, vietato contattarsi fino alle 13:00.
  • 13:00 pausa pranzo con i colleghi piu’ carini, flirtando ma senza arrivare mai al dunque (per non subire mobbing successivamente), lei si scatta una foto col cellulare nella camicetta e gliela manda via mms, tecnica che padroneggia come la vaporella, lui la invita all’aperitivo con i suoi colleghi la sera, scrivendole “ti voglio esibire stasera, se troppo bona”. Lei rifiuta ma e’ felice. Lui e’ felice, non ce la voleva affatto.
  • 17:00 lei va a prendere i bimbi a scuola, lui non puo’ perche’ ha un lavoro troppo importante, lei lo sa e non si lamenta.
  • 17:10 la mamma legge un libro di nascosto a casa, nella vasca, e si stravacca alla televisione in tuta, pronta all’autocombustione se lui dovesse rientrare all’improvviso.
  • 18:00 lui 30 minuti prima di rientrare manda un sms, per non trovare la moglie in tuta e per dare il tempo all’amico della mamma di riprendere il tutto e andare via.
  • 18:45: non importa cosa stiano facendo quei mangiapane a ufo dei propri figli: come lui infila la chiave nella toppa lei li scaraventa con una pedata verso il papa’, cui devono urlare “bentornato e grazie di tutto quello che fai per noi” con quanto fiato hanno in corpo, altrimenti la mamma gli spenge le sigarette addosso mentre dormono.
  • 19:00 aperitivo e figli con la tata, che ha il permesso di graffiarli in faccia se fanno troppo casino.
  • 20:00 cenetta a casa, la tata (tedesca irsuta di cento chili, altrimenti lui tromba anche quella) ha disposto la roba della rosticceria nelle terrine e pulito la casa.
  • 20:40 uno dei bambini chiede alla mamma come e’ andata la giornata di lavoro a lei e per punizione salta la gita scolastica.
  • 21:00 televisione un’ora tutti assieme.
  • 22:30 mamma e papa’ accendono il Pc e navigano nudi su chatroulette.com, combinando qualcosa
  • 23:00 la mamma si addormenta abbracciata al papa’ per finta, poi va a dormire nello studio, dove sta imparando il cinese con le cuffiette e ha messo le candele profumate
  • 05:45 mamma torna nel letto da papa’ truccata e con i denti lavati, e quando lui si sveglia gli mette in bocca un friski, poi lo bacia appassionatamente 
  • 06:30 papa’ lascia 100 euro sul comodino, vai e comprati un altro di questi completini, sei uno schianto. Lei ci paga le rate dell’assicurazione privata dei figli.

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