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La dolce Cara mi viene a trovare a sorpresa con il suo bagaglio di problemi irrisolvibili. Certo è strano, ti chiedi ad un certo punto della vita, che ci siano persone – donne – cui va sempre tutto storto, i cui parenti siano atroci profittatori, tagliagole, cattivi dentro nel profondo. Donne incomprese, eppure omnicomprensive e onniscenti, come lei. Guai a passare al vaglio della Cara, non se ne esce vivi: ha giudizi implacabili su chiunque, in particolare sulle povere donne ‘normali’, banali. Cretine. Grasse. Vestite male. Avevo già detto banali? 

Cara è trafelata perchè corre da una parte all’altra senza ristoro. E anche questo è peculiare, perchè sono dieci anni, venti, che cerca lavoro ma non lo trova. Forse è per questo che corre. Un pò ne ha provati, ma dopo un pò se ne liberano, perchè sono tutti più stupidi di lei, non la capiscono: ma lei voleva solo fare meglio.

E’ un mondo difficile per Cara. Eppure adesso è al sicuro qui da me, ospite fino a data da confermare, anche se non ho molto ascendente sulla decisione. Mi ha consegnato una bella lista della spesa separata per tutte le sue allergie, fobie, diete. Nulla a che vedere con la gioia di un bel gelato: solo dolore, solo cibarie alternative a quello che non può mangiare. E’ una vita vissuta in negativo, la sua: sta in un luogo perchè non può abitare in un altro. Vive con un uomo perchè non può avere Lui. Fa un lavoro ics, perchè quello ipsilon fatto a sua misura e somiglianza o è già preso o è stato rapito da un commando di idioti. Non mi ha consegnato nemmeno una sterlina, ma ci rifacciamo dopo. Al solito.

Cara è una macchina da guerra: riuscire a spostare la discussione da lei, le sue tragedie, dal Furto della sua Vita da parte di forze universali oscure è opera impossibile. Non è che una non ci prova, ma non ci riesce. Provo ad oppormi alla valanga di bottino che le esce dalla bocca, balbetto qualche bl, mbl, ma il discorso si ferma lì, cade nel vuoto come un uccellino appena nato da un nido penco.

Chiudo le orecchie, la bocca, applico la tecnica dell’opossum in rigor mortis, che prevede – nel mio caso – un massimo di quattro ore ininterrotte di ascolto. Stringo il buco del sedere per non fare trapelare la rabbia. Dentro di me sgorga, pianino pianino, una lava distruttiva; si muove dallo stomaco e sale verso la gola, si espande verso i piedi che diventano smaniosi, e se mi arriva alla lingua sarò costretta a dire quello che penso e questo, con Cara, non si può fare. Come tutte le altre, tutti gli altri diventerei una bastarda, una stronza.

Mi grazia, però, e dopo solo due ore, appena prima di finirmi tutti i crackers – Cara vive d’amore e di odio, pesa venti chili con gli stivali – crolla sul divano e si addormenta. Lo prende tutto e glielo lascio, mi ha detto che non dormiva da settimane. Anni.

Mezza Pinta si sposta sulla poltrona rossa e si rifugia nell’iPhone, la tata dei nuovi poveri. Abbasso le luci e la musica. L’Inglese ci lascia con una ventina di riviste sotto braccio: in casa nostra, dove si sta in silenzio anche un giorno di fila a leggere, questa è come una dichiarazione di guerra con ratto diplomatico. Rimango nella stanza ad osservare la pelle di Cara che è senza peccato: le rughe che ti pigliano assieme alla routine e alle preoccupazioni per i cari non ci sono. E’ tutto piatto. Ha anche una figura molto svelta, piacevole.

Mi sento in colpa nei confronti di Cara, perchè sono sopravvissuta a quel mare limaccioso del sè che noi donne dobbiamo attraversare per poi vivere, oasi putrescente nella quale Cara ha piantato le tende e aperto un baretto. Mi osserva per quella creatura debole che sono, assorta nella propria routine salvifica, felice del suo stipendio che cresce come la carriera: piano piano, con una modestia che nemmeno pensavo possibile. Mi fa sentire un sacco della spazzatura, io che non ho cambiato il mondo, io che non sono stata diversa – nemmeno lei, ma in qualche maniera sotto la lente ci sono io.

E’ questo il fascino di Cara. Si pensa di poterla indirizzare. Si crede di stare salvandola mentre ti sta semplicemente svuotando il frigo. Si pensa di essere la mano lunga del Divino che riporta l’amore in una vasca vuota e nera. Ma quella ha una botola là sotto, e mentre tu le fai il pieno di attenzioni e buoni consigli lei sta svuotando il pozzo di nascosto, onde potersi buttare sul prosismo divano, nella prossima casa – sarà di me che parlerà in quel salotto, perchè sono imbruttita. Questo peso che ho perso, glielo leggo negli occhi, mi ha solo svuotato la faccia – il culo è rimasto il solito.

Cara riparte dopo due soli giorni che mettono a repentaglio otto anni di relazione stabile, quella con il poco paziente ragazzo che ho accanto. Mia figlia è isterica. Si sono rotti piatti e ha fumato in camera, me ne sono accorta stamani. Ad andare vicino alla testata del letto si vede una bruciatura color mattone e un bel buco. Non ci sono sterline lasciate nel tubetto o sotto i fiori, e il frigorifero è desolante.

Quando eravamo infelici insieme era un tempo fantastico della nostra vita, poi io ho deciso di accasarmi ed essere infelice in maniera più matura, mentre lei è rimasta intrappolata fra Cioè e Cosmopolitan, Candy Candy e Sex and The City. Le nostre vite non hanno nulla in comune se non il ricordare l’una all’altra che potrebbe andare peggio. Non c’è affetto nel mio aiutarla ma uno spunto per una conversazione animata col quasi-marito, non c’è fiducia nel suo piombare qui nel mio salotto, che è solo una parentesi fra le parole ‘sono’ e ‘infelice’.

Comunque domani è Lunedì, si riparte. Non ci lamentiamo: poteva andare peggio. Cara lo sa bene.

juanita

50% business, 50% eggs benedict

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