Grazie, oh Shiva, per lo stafilococco.

Juanita de Paola, Cannes, 2004

Il bikini sta alle donne come il sospensorio sta agli uomini, solo che a questi ultimi nessuno chiede di andarci in giro. Il costumino a due pezzi e’ infatti l’ultima umiliazione prima delle visita ginecologica che una creatura deve sopportare per sfangare l’estate, che se non hai la taglia quarantadue dura novanta settimane. Ma il peso di per se’ non e’ l’unica lettera scarlatta: la forma del seno, la sua postura, la collocazione del sedere, la mancanza di muscoli, la preminenza del ventre, la schiena dritta contano anche quelli, da cui l’epopea del corpo guasto, dicitura inventata dalla mia amica Diletta, per indicare persona il cui sopra e sotto non vanno punto d’accordo.

Si suda, noi donne normali, come porcospini in Nevada, d’estate, e il cercare di non camminare con stomaco rilassato davanti al partner o, peggio, il nuovo uomo fresco di appuntamento, crea grande dolore e tremende coliti. Una mia amica, nata con una gobba terribile, cercava di stare su dritta piu’ che poteva in costume, e ogni volta che ce ne andavamo alle Cinque Terre, fra il tentativo di non farsi male ai piedi sui sassini malefici e quello di tenere alta la testa, per non parlare della resiprazione stragiata dalla pancia tirata in dentro, sembrava una povera infelice scappata dal campanile di Notre Dame.

Io dal mio canto ho sempre fatto in modo di arrivare in spiaggia e sdraiarmi prima di tutti, lasciando l’asciugamano solo ad orario di pranzo o la sera dopo le nove, dopo essermi fatta rastrellare la schiena ormai bruciata dal bagnino, che mi aveva scambiata per un’orca assassina arenata sulla battigia. Tutto questo per non dover camminare sconnessa davanti agli amici – ma soprattutto le loro ragazze – o farsi venire un ictus nel vano tentativo di irrigidire qualche muscolo, dico, uno a caso, tanto non ne ho.

Stavo a mio agio solo fra le alghe, a cento metri dalla costa, dove potevo finalmente rilasciare i tessuti adiposi e bere la mia stessa urina per levarmi la sete, visto che non andavo ne’ al bagno ne’ al bar, e che impiegavo la altrui pausa pranzo per girare una meta’ del corpo ustionato dalla parte opposta. Nel 2000 fui colpita da uno stafilococco aureo, un caso su un milione, che mi blocco’ a letto per qualche mese, e mi impedi’ di fare vita di spiaggia. Fu allora, nella quiete del mio lettino malaticcio, che scelsi il mio lavoro, fra l’altro: vendero’ e affittero’ le ville, cosi’ non avro’ mai piu’ vacanze. E cosi’ fu. Amen.

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