I doni.

Juanita

La professoressa dice che non posso scrivere quando sono felice o sono triste. Dice che non posso fare i temi personali perchè non controllo quello che voglio dire, anzi, scrivo per vedere dove vado a parare. Mi dà un quadernino verde e mi dice che devo scrivere un tema al giorno, solo su cose che mi annoiano. Lo faccio e passo in due mesi da un quattro a un sei meno, una gloriosissima sufficienza, festeggiata in casa come una laurea in medicina. Prenderò un fra il sei e il sette, uno solo, su Dante e la figura salvifica di Beatrice. “Complimenti”, dice. Penso a un nove, ma è un sette meno in pratica. Il quadernino ha le pagine strappate, quelle più schifose, che lei elimina non tanto per sè, ma per fare in modo che nessun’altro al mondo le debba leggere – che pena.

Quando la vado a cercare in corridorio per sapere se ha controllato il tema del giorno prima – un tema al giorno, vuole – mi guarda con noia, fastidio, tutta la gamma che arriva appena prima della repulsione. Mi fa vedere i temi delle mie compagne, in particolare una che non amo molto, mi dice: vede, guardi, la scioltezza. Io annido tutto, maledizione. Scrivo a macchina prima: l’unico modo in cui posso fare questo è fingendo di essere qualcun altro. Rispolvero la macchina rossa di papà, quella delle perizie mediche, e scrivo a pomeriggi, trascurando il resto. Tanto non ci dedicavo un gran tempo comunque, a parte chimica che mi tocca studiare perchè mi rimane ostile e incomprensibile, il resto lo leggicchio, lo studicchio, lo faccicchio. Mi chiedo perchè nessuno mi voglia baciare.

L’inaspettato tutto, che si cela dietro le facce che riteniamo poco importanti, è il mio tutto. Già allora. Il percorso alternativo, la fuga, sono già temi presenti e pesanti, ma ha ragione la professoressa, prima di intraprendere il cammino scelto bisogna capire i vestiti da mettersi, le riserve da portarsi dietro. Dopo la versione, dopo l’interrogazione, dopo l’ansia della giustificazione non sprecata ma necessaria, si esce: mi è andata ancora bene. Noi che si prende il treno per tornare a casa camminiamo veloci, ma nemmeno troppo, poi ci fanno uscire dieci minuti prima. Mi fermo al baretto, mi ordino un waffel: non dovrei, i ragazzi non mi guardano con gli occhi speciali. Al tavolino mi siedo, perdo il treno, sto sotto il sole di inverno e mi faccio parlare da gente sconosciuta: dovrei preoccuparmi dei compiti, ma ho già capito che non servono a nulla. Mi sento in colpa, per un dono che mi fa pensare alle cose come se avessi già novantanni – poi mi guardo attorno: siamo in parecchi.

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