Ho l’impressione di avere passato troppo poco tempo in collo. Ne ho la certezza da quando la nonna bassa e la nonna alta se ne sono andate, mi sono detta: ma perchè non sono stata loro più addosso? Perchè a una certa età si smette di saltare in collo alle persone che si amano? Forse perchè crediamo che tutto duri per sempre – o forse perchè si diventa troppo pesanti, in tutti i sensi. Forse perchè scambiamo le cose importanti con quelle futili: una canzone che amiamo a dieci anni, non si dimentica più; e cosa c’è di molto più importante di un suono che rimane piantato lì, fra la memoria e il sentire? Poco, davvero. Per me l’odore nel collo delle persone che amo, impresso qui, nella mia memoria più amata.
Forse perchè il contatto con la mamma e il papà sono dati per scontati, mi sono arrabbiata perchè ne ricordo pochi che siano sufficientemente lunghi: quand’è che ho iniziato a ritirarmi dagli abbracci? Come ho acquisito il concetto di tanto lo (ri)faccio dopo, non lo so. Ricordo il mare, Tirrenia, e pomeriggi di lenzuola fresche e tapparelle abbassate, sul divano letto, per riposarsi. I piedi neri di mamma che si abbronza come una turca. Ricordo i piedini ciccioni di sorella numero uno, con i palmi delle manine rosa. Ricordo noi schierate a doppia w nel dormiveglia pesantissimo che caratterizza il riposo pomeridiano.
“Papà mi voglio cancellare e riscrivere all’università, non voglio essere in ritardo”. E poi il braccio grande di papà che mi stringe le spalle, no amore, non funziona così. I grattini ai piedi che mi faceva nonna, con le dita artritiche ben incurvate e le unghie spesse di cheratina. Con lo smalto rosso dato dalla parrucchiera, certo. L’abbraccio possente di nonna di lassù, altissima, fortissima, l’odore di borotalco attorno a lei, nella sua stanza col pupazzo di Andreotti. Poi la piccola, sorella numero due: ore e ore sulla mia pancia. Lì. Con quel respiro di biscotto e gli occhi che si fidano. E perchè non ci siamo messi assieme nel lettone, una volta, tutti quanti, a respirare in silenzio, io non lo so.
Ho tirato fuori una scatolina, stasera, con una sciarpina rinvoltolata nell’angolo destro. Chissà da quanto tempo non la aprivo, ma l’odore della Vecchia mi si è conficcato nel naso, nelle orecchie, nel centro dei sensi tutti ed ha funzionato da trigger, da trampolino, da fattore scatenante: cosa ci facciamo, nella vita, senza dormire tutti assieme nel lettone? Ho svegliato l’Inglese e ho biascicato qualcosa, lui dormiva e non capiva, what?, what are you saying?: se Dio vuole ogni tanto la circostanze aiutano a sdrammatizzare. Mi sono messa sdraiata in terra, con la sciarpina appoggiata sul naso, a cercare di respirare gli odori della casa in cui sono cresciuta e che oggi pulisco freneticamente per paura che si sciupi, perchè ho timore di non esserne degnaa. Ci vorrebbe che fossimo tutti qui, tutti nel lettone. E’ pure nuovo.
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