Niente intimità, grazie, ho una sindrome compulsiva.

Juanita de Paola

L’Inglese mi guarda e io sono dimagrita. Io lo guardo e ha messo su finalmente un paio di chili. Abbiamo fatto questa cosa incredibile, invece di trasferirci in Lapponia: ci siamo scambiati peso. Nel nostro amato tedio quotidiano abbiamo ascoltato a turno musica che detestiamo – io la sua, lui la mia – e gli ho riscaldato la pasta di ieri che gli faceva schifo e stasera gliene fa di più. Di nascosto mangerà i formaggini, lascerà le cartine dentro la sporta del frigo, è una malattia compulsiva, viene a chi non è stato molto amato.

Dall’arrivo non siamo riusciti a fare altro che essere cortesi, inappuntabili. Non mi ricordo se mette il parmigiano sulla salsa di zucca o se ci vuole solo l’olio, non mi riesce di chiederlo, non so, è come ridomandargli se il suo compleanno è il diciotto o il diciannove. Il punto è che due mesi e mezzo senza vedersi sono parecchi, c’è da rifare amicizia. Riparte domenica e ci vediamo per Natale, come le famiglie normali.

Al bar dove faccio colazione al mattino si sono girati tutti stamani e anche al ristorante per pranzo, pensano che mi inventi il padre di Mezza Pinta, invece esiste, è alto due metri e pesa dieci chili. Ha la faccia come Vincent Gallo e la simpatia di una colica renale. Ha stile. Una volta mi ha prosciugato il conto in banca e piantato un chiodo da svariate migliaia di euro e poi, per farsi perdonare, ha acceso un mutuo per regalarmi una parure – avevamo il conto in comune. L’ho buttato fuori casa con una scena plateale, valigie e vestiti giù dal secondo piano e sono tornata da mamma.

Un giorno l’ho picchiato talmente forte per strada che gli ho spaccato il naso, di tacco. E’ uscita la signorina russa del bar dove facciamo colazione e mi ha chiesto se andava tutto bene, le ho detto Certo, lo stronzo è a terra. Lei, slava fuori, io, albanese dentro, mi ha sorriso con ammirazione. E’ tornato in Inghilterra, ne ho approfittato per chiamare tutti i suoi clienti, compresi quelli in classifica, e raccontare loro che da quel giorno non avrei avuto più nulla a che fare con lui. Erano interessatissimi.

In una email ho invece collezionato prove, fotografie e frasi estratte dalle nostre conversazioni. Quella l’ho mandata a sua madre, che ha preso la mia parte naturalmente – è americana. Dopo qualche mese ci siamo rivisti, aveva i capelli grigi per il dolore ed era imbruttito fuori: non mi era mai sembrato così bello, ora finalmente trasfigurato dalla paura invece dello spray autoabbronzante. Io nel frattempo mi ero fatta lisciata i capelli. Questi sono i grandi step della mia esistenza: ingrasso, dimagrisco. Smetto di bere. Suono. Ricomincio a bere.

Il matrimonio, dicono, sia come un investimento a lungo termine, anche se a me sembra più uno schema di Ponzi. Noi non siamo sposati e l’unica cosa lunga che abbiamo è la lista di cose inutili che ci siamo comprati, ma di sicuro siamo due Madoff che si sono piaciuti e ora devono fare i conti con la voragine della serenità. Non dico che si sta meglio quando le tre della notte sono solo un’ora dopo le due e domani chissà, ma posso dire in cuore sincero che questa sicurezza, questa crescita omogenea, queste tre del mattino che sono una tragedia se domattina la bambina deve essere a scuola alle otto e mezzo, sono di gran lunga più belle?

L’Inglese capisce, nella sua follia, la mia. Credo. Stasera mi ha detto che posso dormire sul divano e non si arrabbierà – il talamo chiuso mi fa mancare il fiato. L’odore di ciabatta, di fiato conosciuto, più di tutto, mi fa urlare nel sonno (il sognare, anche, è roba mia). Cosa ci posso fare, se non voglio che nessuno mi veda mettermi la magliettaccia per dormire, appoggiare il sedere sul lato del letto mentre mi guardo le ginocchia troppo rotonde nella specchiera? E piegare le cose, compulsivamente, per stare in un mondo ordinato, controllato. Non voglio gesti ripetuti. Non voglio intimità. Non voglio nulla che un giorno possa non essere più mio, tutto qui. L’Inglese mi ha regalato un piumone d’oca, singolo, per il divano.

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