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Juanita de Paola vita piccola

Allevo maschi

La verità è che li tiro su, io, i maschi. Mi dovrebbero dare un premio, un riconoscimento, perchè li allevo magnificamente e li preparo per quelle dopo che se li sposano in due balletti.

Juanita de Paola

Ho pulito i cassetti. Tutti. Quelli coi calzini arrotolati e quelli con dentro i preservativi spacchettati che l’Inglese probabilmente usa quando non ci sono – con altre. Ho rinvenuto tre libretti degli assegni intonsi di due banche diverse e una mia carta di credito del 2009, intitolata a me e sparita quando la mia dolce metà foraggiava con la sua eccezionale presenza tutti i bar della provincia di Pistoia.

Ho aspirato biscotti, fazzoletti usati, bottoncini, pezzettini di armadillo, insetti, di tutto, sottraendo all’aspirapolvere il tubone per lasciare quel moncherino potentissimo che se non stai attenta ti fa i lividi quando ti acchiappa la pelle. Ho contato quasi settanta sterline di monete e un numero elevato di biglietti da visita ripieni di cingomme. “Yeah, sure, I definitely WILL call you back”.

Molte lettere. Ho accuratamente evitato di guardare di chi fossero a parte le mie, velenose come sempre. Si concludono sempre con un addio, che ci devo fare, io lascio tutti mille volte e poi mi lasciano loro davvero. La verità è che li tiro su, io, i maschi. Mi dovrebbero dare un premio, un riconoscimento, perchè li allevo magnificamente e li preparo per quelle dopo che se li sposano in due balletti.

Non concedo loro nessuna debolezza, nemmeno nella malattia. Come le donne germaniche di Tacito, sto ai bordi del campo e se si azzardano a tornare indietro prima della fine della battaglia li offendo o li picchio – Bar! Bar! Non permetto loro malinconie, quello è territorio minato da guarire con un boot-camp militare di matrice asiatica, e sparisco a intervalli irregolari.

Porto a termine un lavoro male iniziato e peggio proseguito dalla mamma di maschio italiana, filo-incestuosa di natura, coccolona, ansiogena. Niente ansia: legnate da orbi, piuttosto. Ora mi sono espansa, allevo anche le altre razze. Noto un decadimento nel ruolo del mestolo in tutto il mondo che mi preoccupa davvero.

Certo, c’è anche il premio per questa via crucis. L’altra.

L’emancipazione arriva quando il fidanzato finalmente non ne può più di me e mi molla. Quando gli ho fatto partire la carriera, l’ho indirizzato se non finanziato, l’ho convinto di essere un campione del mondo, l’ho sottratto ai suoi demoni a suon di vangate nella testa e discussioni pacate ma feroci di giorni filati; quando ha smesso di spendere come un coglione per ottenere l’ammirazione degli amici e dimostrare a suo padre che lui è meglio, quando ha interrotto il ciclo droga leggera, Pink Floyd, incupimento al limite della rogna e ha acquisito quel senso di sè che dona protezione alle altre femmine, scappa. Si infila fra le braccia di una donna come si deve, che alleva figlioli e si addolcisce col tempo. Una che ne sa meno di vino e che, questo è certo, ne ingloba meno di lui.

Le cose sono un pochino migliorate da quando sono dimagrita: di fatto la perdita di peso induce un certo cretinismo, un trallallismo che è anche piacevole. Me ne accorgo quando mi trovo a rotolare le ciocche di capelli davanti ad un bell’uomo invece di fargli notare che ha appena cannato una consecutio – lo prendo come un buon segno. Poi il Nano Livido che abita dentro di me attacca con le battutacce, e non c’è più nulla da fare: regalagli una bussola poverino, non trova le sinapsi.

Dopo avere pulito tutto, pollice per pollice, ho messo in ordine le scarpine di Mezza Pinta sul bordo della finestra, così bellle e così eleganti. Chissà cosa pensa, là sotto, di questa pazza che passa la vaporella sulle doghe della persiana e canticchia felice, con una matita in testa e una tenuta che raffredderebbe un imputato per crimini sessuali contro l’umanità. Chissà che donna sarà lei, speriamo di avere il privilegio di vederla crescere in salute e sorrisi dagli occhi. Le ho regalato un bel mucchietto di monetine, se l’è nascoste nel pupazzino con la pancina a portafoglio.

Stasera arriva Sorella Numero Due a trovarmi a Londra, per una settimana. Sono felice. Che ci devo fare.

Di juanita

50% business, 50% eggs benedict

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La question se pose à plusieurs titres. Les deux principales figures de l’islam de France ont participé au procès aux assises de Douai en 1997. Et ce n’est pas rien. Dalil Boubakeur, qui vient de tirer sa révérence à la tête de la Grande Mosquée de Paris, a été à l’époque sollicité par la justice pour donner un avis théologique sur la chose. Quant à Amar Lafsar, qui allait rapidement connaître une carrière nationale qu’on lui connaît à la tête de l’UOIF, il a témoigné, en faveur de l’exorciste. Ce qui était assez cohérent. Amar Lafsar voyait en l’exorciste un futur cadre de l’islam de France dans la région. Lafsar comme Boubakeur commençaient leurs carrières à l’époque où l’État balbutiait ses premiers plans pour un islam de France. Et des gens comme l’exorciste, prêchant en français et ayant fait des études, correspondaient au casting potentiel. En étant extérieur au sujet, on pouvait penser qu’en 1994 cette affaire n’était qu’un accident collatéral, un résidu de magie arrivé dans les valises des Algériens fuyant le pays après la guerre. C’est ce que la justice a pu croire peut-être, et d’autant plus qu’en 1994, le nouveau Code pénal qui entrait en vigueur venait d’être épousseté des vieilles contraventions liées à la magie ou la divination. On entrait dans le XXIe siècle et la bulle internet. Toute autorité religieuse proche de ses fidèles aurait dû voir l’explosion de la pratique. Mais surtout le fait que celle-ci était importée d’une dictature théocratique, dont l’expansion de la religion se faisait aux dépens de toutes les autres. Mais peut-être qu’aucun responsable du culte musulman ne voulait s’opposer de manière trop visible au royaume saoudien. D’autant que les autorités saoudiennes ont pris parti dans cette affaire. L’exorciste a bénéficié du soutien du grand mufti d’Arabie Saoudite (autant dire l’équivalant du pape !) en défense, arguant de la bonne foi du chasseur de démon et au passage faisant état de la peine qu’il aurait purgé si l’évènement s’était passé là-bas. En l’occurrence il n’aurait pas été poursuivi. On a du mal à s’imaginer le juge d’instruction français de l’époque recevant cette lettre venue d’une des pires dictatures au monde. Il y a quelque chose qu’on rappelle trop rarement quand il s’agit de parler de l’influence de l’islam saoudien en France. Tous les musulmans du monde prient en direction de la Mecque. S’y rendre est une obligation religieuse. Mais on n’y voyage pas comme ça, le royaume ferme ses portes à qui il veut. Et c’est certainement une des raisons de la grande complaisance de certains responsables du culte à l’égard du royaume. La pratique de l’exorcisme à la saoudienne a explosé en trente ans et dans certains pays comme l’Algérie il y a eu tellement de victimes que le gouvernement a envisagé un temps l’interdire. En France on parle souvent de l’islam pour évoquer les défaillances de ses institutions ou les franges les plus radicalisées. Entre les deux, il y a une majorité silencieuse de fidèles, des familles comme celle de Louisa ou la mienne qui vivent leurs malheurs à huis clos, loin de la politique, c’est vers eux que je préfère porter le regard.

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L’UFCM a constaté depuis quelques mois l’accroissement des tromperies à la « roqya ». Les témoignages de personnes victimes de ces pratiques se multiplient et présentent les mêmes caractéristiques : « Une personne vous appelle et vous propose une séance de « roqya » gratuite. Cette personne vous propose de rappeler un numéro prétendu gratuit, souvent un numéro commençant par 0 800… » Mais, dans les faits, cette prestation est loin d’être gratuite, puisque la conversation est facturée à vos frais et à votre insu. Au-delà de l’aspect juridique qui est traité à ce jour par le pôle juridique de l’UFCM[1], ce procédé soulève la problématique de sa conformité au Coran et à la Sunna. En effet, la « roqya » peut se définir comme une thérapie qui permet de soigner les actes de sorcellerie, de mauvais œil et également de se protéger contre ces derniers. Par conséquent, est-il possible de la pratiquer par téléphone et quelles sont les exigences édictées par le Coran et la Sunna ? Nous présenterons ainsi successivement les conditions liées au soignant (I), les exigences relatives à l’environnement où est réalisée la « roqya » (II). Nous aborderons ensuite la question de la gratuité de la prestation ou de sa contrepartie financière et enfin les conditions dans laquelle elle est réalisée (III). I- Les conditions liées au soignant Souvent la « roqya » est perçue comme une pratique dispensée par un tiers. Or, il est essentiel de rappeler et de souligner un fait important : la meilleure des « roqya » est celle que nous dispensons nous-mêmes à travers le « dhikr » et la récitation du Coran. Ainsi, pour se prémunir des maux liés au mauvais œil ou à la sorcellerie, il convient régulièrement de lire le Coran et faire des invocations notamment celles du matin et du coucher, de réciter régulièrement la sourate « La vache », de renouveler son intention, de placer la certitude dans son cœur, d’effectuer ses prières etc., et surtout de demander à Allah la meilleure des protections. Toutefois, dans certaines conditions, il est nécessaire de recourir à un soignant. C’est à ce stade qu’il convient d’être vigilant. Il ne suffit pas de se rendre auprès d’une personne qui se présente avec la qualité de cheikh ou d’imam pour accepter de lui confier cette pratique. Comme pour tout procédé et encore plus lorsque cela relève de considérations religieuses, il est important de bien choisir son soignant car ce dernier est tenu de posséder des qualités bien affirmées. La maîtrise du Coran et des traditions prophétiques en la matière est une condition sine qua none, mais insuffisante. La personne doit également avoir des notions de psychologie afin de déterminer la part de sorcellerie et celle de troubles psychologiques fréquents chez les patients. La personne doit posséder une bonne hygiène de vie, notamment spirituelle puisqu’il n’est pas inutile de rappeler que le succès de la « roqya » dépend de Dieu. Ces critères sont difficilement évaluables, surtout par une personne qui est affectée par un mal-être, quelle que soit sa source. C’est pourquoi les proches doivent accompagner la personne dans la recherche d’un soignant qualifié et reconnu comme tel par des référents religieux de la localité (imam, responsables associatifs, etc.). De manière générale, le soignant doit posséder des qualités déterminées que nous pouvons synthétiser de la manière suivante. Il doit : être en capacité de lire le Coran, croire avec certitude au Coran, être empreint de piété, connaître les pièges et les caractéristiques du diable et des djinns, connaître la méthode prophétique de la « roqya », disposer de connaissances de base en psychologie, avoir la conviction que le succès de sa thérapie dépend de Dieu. A l’exception de la première exigence, il semble difficile de vérifier les autres conditions dans le cadre d’un entretien téléphonique avec une personne que nous n’avons jamais rencontrée, même si elle se présente sous le titre de « cheikh » ou d’un imam. Par conséquent, ces conditions soulignent une première limite quant au recours à la « roqya » par téléphone. Par ailleurs, à l’instar de tout médecin, le soignant doit, avant de prodiguer des conseils ou une médication, procéder à une consultation. Ainsi, un environnement adéquat est indispensable pour la réalisation d’une « roqya ». Il est enfin inconcevable qu’un médecin puisse vous affirmer par téléphone connaître votre maladie et attester pouvoir vous guérir. Vous auriez plus que des doutes sur ce prétendu médecin. II- Un environnement propice et la réalisation d’une consultation préalable à la réalisation d’une « roqya » Il est intéressant de noter que, dans son ouvrage « Comment se protéger des djinns & satan », Wahîd ‘Abdussalâm Bâli évoque l’importance du climat pour réaliser une roqya[2]. Ainsi, il expose les points suivants : « 1. Préparer le climat adéquat en faisant par exemple sortir les images et les statues de la pièce où on va soigner le malade, pour permettre aux anges d’y entrer. 2. Débarrasser le sujet de tout ce qu’il peut porter sur lui comme talismans ou amulettes et les brûler. 3. Éteindre tout ce qui peut émettre le son de la musique et des chants. 4. Vider le lieu de tout ce qui comporte une infraction à la shari‘a à savoir, par exemple, la présence d’un homme qui porte de l’or ou une femme qui ne porte pas le voile légal – al-hijab. 5. Donner au malade et à sa famille une leçon de dogme de façon à ce que leurs cœurs ne soient pas attachés à un autre qu’Allah. 6. Leur faire savoir que la façon de soigner est différente de celle des sorciers et des charlatans et que le Coran recèle guérison et miséricorde, comme l’a informé Allah le Puissant et le Majestueux. 7. Diagnostiquer son cas : pour cela poser des questions au malade pour s’assurer de la présence de tous les symptômes (…) ». Or, dans les témoignages communiqués, l’interlocuteur qui se présente comme soignant ne pose aucune question aux personnes. Il débute ainsi la « roqya » directement par une récitation du Coran. En outre, il est intéressant de souligner que dans l’un des témoignages communiqués à l’UFCM, l’interlocuteur demandait à la personne de remplir successivement des verres de lait, d’huile, d’eau etc. et de les poser par la suite sur la table de la salle à manger. Au point que la personne s’est retrouvée avec une multitude de verres posés sur la table. Le comble est que la personne ignorait ce qu’elle devait en faire lorsqu’elle a pris conscience de la tromperie. Nous constatons par conséquent qu’une « roqya » ne peut être réalisée dans un environnement quelconque. En effet, une procédure de diagnostic est essentielle. Nous pouvons à titre d’exemple faire le parallèle avec un rendez-vous chez le médecin ; ce dernier ne peut vous prescrire une ordonnance sans au préalable vous avoir ausculté et interrogé sur les différents symptômes que vous ressentez physiquement. A défaut, au lieu de guérir vous allez aggraver vos maux. Cette attitude vigilante du médecin traitant doit se retrouver lorsque nous envisageons le recours à une « roqya ». Pour illustrer ce propos, nous citerons l’exemple de l’anthropologue, spécialiste de l’islam européen, Farid El Asri, chercheur associé au Centre Jacques Berque, qui nous rapporte une situation alarmante suite à une « roqya » : « Une jeune femme en Belgique (…) est morte suite à une tentative d’exorcisme. Pendant les séances, les fkihs (imams) utilisent normalement de l’eau « coranisée ». Pour cette jeune femme, prétendument stérile, les exorcistes ont carrément plongé son visage dans l’eau et quand elle tentait d’en sortir pour respirer, les guérisseurs estimaient qu’il s’agissait du jinn qui l’habitait et ils replongeaient son visage dans l’eau. Pendant le procès, la famille de la défunte s’est présentée comme musulmane et a accusé ces pratiques d’être extérieures à l’islam quand les guérisseurs estimaient qu’ils avaient simplement fait ce qu’ils pouvaient. Le fait de recourir trop systématiquement au fkih risque également de faire passer une crise d’épilepsie, par exemple, pour une crise de possession. »[3] Nous allons aborder enfin la dernière problématique, celle relative aux honoraires du soignant. III- Les honoraires du soignant Le Prophète, bénédictions et salut sur lui, « a agréé les Compagnons qui ont été payés pour la roqya ». Il est dès lors autorisé de rémunérer un soignant en contrepartie d’une prestation. Toutefois, cette rémunération doit être raisonnable et surtout clairement définie avant le traitement. En outre, nous ne pouvons que souligner et rappeler que, si la roqya est réalisée dans un cadre sérieux, il convient de procéder à toutes les déclarations administratives. Comme pour tout contrat, vous devez exiger un document écrit et le praticien doit préciser quels sont ses engagements exacts afin d’éviter tout litige postérieur. Malheureusement, tous les témoignages transmis à l’UFCM soulignent que l’interlocuteur insiste à plusieurs reprises sur la gratuité de la prestation. Or, dans les faits, cette dernière est payante puisque le coût de la communication est surtaxé. Ainsi, l’une des victimes qui nous a contacté, s’est retrouvée avec une facture téléphonique (hors forfait) de 1800 euros. Par conséquent, nous constatons que ces « roqyas » gratuites sont fondées sur la technique dite du « call-back » qui consiste à amener une personne à rappeler un numéro surtaxé, information qui lui est bien évidemment dissimulée. Une « roqya » peut être payante à condition de respecter un cadre prédéterminé, fondé sur l’information et la transparence des honoraires. En conclusion A la lumière des développements susvisés, l’UFCM appelle d’une part à une régulation du métier de la pratique de la « roqya », d’autre part, à la vigilance de chacun à ne pas céder à la tentation d’une « roqya » qui ne serait pas réalisée dans les conditions requises et qui pourrait produire des effets inverses. Au-delà du cadre spirituel ou juridique, les divers témoignages reçus et étudiés par l’UFCM ne peuvent pas nous laisser indifférents à la question suivante : pourquoi des personnes sont-elles amenées à accepter aussi facilement une « roqya » par téléphone ? Est-ce la gratuité qui a déterminé leur choix ? Certes le mal-être produit par cette société est de plus en plus grand. Nous vivons une époque où les êtres sont de plus en plus coupés des signes de Dieu et vivent un rythme de vie effréné. Ces affaires sont révélatrices des maux les plus profonds qui touchent la communauté musulmane. Par ailleurs, comme l’ensemble des rites islamiques (hajj, halal, pompes funèbres) censés nous rappeler les limites qui déterminent la voie vers Dieu, nous constatons que leur marchandisation trahit de plus en plus leur vocation première. Suffit-il qu’un interlocuteur se présente à nous comme un « cheikh » ou un imam et qu’il nous propose une « roqya » gratuite pour l’accepter aussitôt Ne devrions-nous pas tous nous interroger sur le fait qu’il y ait des musulmanes et des musulmans aussi isolés et aussi ignorants de leur propre religion pour être trompés aussi facilement ? Sommes-nous devenus si dépendants des Hommes que nous en oublions de nous adresser directement à Dieu pour solutionner nos malaises ? Autant de questions que chacun d’entre nous a la responsabilité de se poser. En effet, aucun de nous ou de nos proches ne sont à l’abri d’une telle tromperie. 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