Allevo maschi

Juanita de Paola

Ho pulito i cassetti. Tutti. Quelli coi calzini arrotolati e quelli con dentro i preservativi spacchettati che l’Inglese probabilmente usa quando non ci sono – con altre. Ho rinvenuto tre libretti degli assegni intonsi di due banche diverse e una mia carta di credito del 2009, intitolata a me e sparita quando la mia dolce metà foraggiava con la sua eccezionale presenza tutti i bar della provincia di Pistoia.

Ho aspirato biscotti, fazzoletti usati, bottoncini, pezzettini di armadillo, insetti, di tutto, sottraendo all’aspirapolvere il tubone per lasciare quel moncherino potentissimo che se non stai attenta ti fa i lividi quando ti acchiappa la pelle. Ho contato quasi settanta sterline di monete e un numero elevato di biglietti da visita ripieni di cingomme. “Yeah, sure, I definitely WILL call you back”.

Molte lettere. Ho accuratamente evitato di guardare di chi fossero a parte le mie, velenose come sempre. Si concludono sempre con un addio, che ci devo fare, io lascio tutti mille volte e poi mi lasciano loro davvero. La verità è che li tiro su, io, i maschi. Mi dovrebbero dare un premio, un riconoscimento, perchè li allevo magnificamente e li preparo per quelle dopo che se li sposano in due balletti.

Non concedo loro nessuna debolezza, nemmeno nella malattia. Come le donne germaniche di Tacito, sto ai bordi del campo e se si azzardano a tornare indietro prima della fine della battaglia li offendo o li picchio – Bar! Bar! Non permetto loro malinconie, quello è territorio minato da guarire con un boot-camp militare di matrice asiatica, e sparisco a intervalli irregolari.

Porto a termine un lavoro male iniziato e peggio proseguito dalla mamma di maschio italiana, filo-incestuosa di natura, coccolona, ansiogena. Niente ansia: legnate da orbi, piuttosto. Ora mi sono espansa, allevo anche le altre razze. Noto un decadimento nel ruolo del mestolo in tutto il mondo che mi preoccupa davvero.

Certo, c’è anche il premio per questa via crucis. L’altra.

L’emancipazione arriva quando il fidanzato finalmente non ne può più di me e mi molla. Quando gli ho fatto partire la carriera, l’ho indirizzato se non finanziato, l’ho convinto di essere un campione del mondo, l’ho sottratto ai suoi demoni a suon di vangate nella testa e discussioni pacate ma feroci di giorni filati; quando ha smesso di spendere come un coglione per ottenere l’ammirazione degli amici e dimostrare a suo padre che lui è meglio, quando ha interrotto il ciclo droga leggera, Pink Floyd, incupimento al limite della rogna e ha acquisito quel senso di sè che dona protezione alle altre femmine, scappa. Si infila fra le braccia di una donna come si deve, che alleva figlioli e si addolcisce col tempo. Una che ne sa meno di vino e che, questo è certo, ne ingloba meno di lui.

Le cose sono un pochino migliorate da quando sono dimagrita: di fatto la perdita di peso induce un certo cretinismo, un trallallismo che è anche piacevole. Me ne accorgo quando mi trovo a rotolare le ciocche di capelli davanti ad un bell’uomo invece di fargli notare che ha appena cannato una consecutio – lo prendo come un buon segno. Poi il Nano Livido che abita dentro di me attacca con le battutacce, e non c’è più nulla da fare: regalagli una bussola poverino, non trova le sinapsi.

Dopo avere pulito tutto, pollice per pollice, ho messo in ordine le scarpine di Mezza Pinta sul bordo della finestra, così bellle e così eleganti. Chissà cosa pensa, là sotto, di questa pazza che passa la vaporella sulle doghe della persiana e canticchia felice, con una matita in testa e una tenuta che raffredderebbe un imputato per crimini sessuali contro l’umanità. Chissà che donna sarà lei, speriamo di avere il privilegio di vederla crescere in salute e sorrisi dagli occhi. Le ho regalato un bel mucchietto di monetine, se l’è nascoste nel pupazzino con la pancina a portafoglio.

Stasera arriva Sorella Numero Due a trovarmi a Londra, per una settimana. Sono felice. Che ci devo fare.

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