Io non ho paura. Tu dovresti.

Juanita de Paola

All’ufficio della Polizia Postale mi presento con un fascicolo che, se non fosse tragico, sarebbe ridereccio. Mettiamola così, se esiste un contrappasso io ne sono vittima – tanto in vita parlò di donne in maniera benevola (circa), quanto in vita virtuale da esse fu sputtanata. Se questo è un crimine  – e lo è, sono più capi di imputazione – questo si dovrebbe chiamare “fare ad un altro essere umano una cosa grottesca”. Il capo mi mette tranquilla, è un uomo che profuma di buono e di famiglia come era la mia. Mi viene da chiudere la porta una volta accomodata nel suo ufficio, non ho molta voglia che mi si senta pronunciare queste parole, fare vedere questi riferimenti. Usi parole semplici, mi riprende all’ennessimo inglesismo, se no il magistrato non capisce cosa vuole dire. Non esiste una parola per blogger, dico scrittrice e mi vergogno. Nono sono lassù, non ancora.

Non sono una bacchettona e ho il terrore di essere vestita da signorina tutta moralità che, oh umana cattiveria, si è ritrovata con foto in luoghi virtuali compromettenti. Io non sono questa. Ma non sono nemmeno quella. “Quella” è una donna che pratica incontri casuali di matrice, mettiamola così, umiliante. “Quella” si presenta ai suoi amici con la mia foto, la usa per annunci, per profili finti su facebook e chissà quali altri gazzettini stampati. Mata Hari. Poi Simona DeMedici. Poi Nadia Fiumidoro. Poi Cristina Maffei.

Capo mi chiede se può andare a pescare sospettati in qualche storia extraconiugale, nell’insieme chiuso degli antichi amanti feriti. Dico di no, grata a me stessa per essere una codarda, per una volta. Capo, meno male che non puoi leggere i miei ricordi, i pensieri che ho avuto. Forse me lo merito, se l’intenzione conta qualcosa. Ecco, il pensiero che fa più male è questo: forse, se invece di scrivere su un blog io facessi decoupage, accudissi due gatti, fossi una brava donna che non sa usare le emails e rifugge la tecnologia, queste cose non mi succederebbero. Certa, risponde Capo, quando gli chiedo qual è la percentuale di successo nella ricerca di questa persona. E’ pronta a procedere contro conoscenti, dico sì pregando che sia una domanda rituale, e di non trovarmi davanti qualcuno che fa parte della mia vita normale davanti al magistrato. O, ti immagini, una minorenne. Che faccia hai? Perchè io, la mia foto? Non mi escono dalla testa queste due domande. E’ questo che comunico con quelle gote pazzesche? Ricerca di umiliazione sessuale?

Segnalo di notte a Zuckerberg, ieri notte, gli altri profili finti della mia doppleganger, mi ha detto Capo che se lo faccio si annullano prima che se ci si mettono loro. Mentre scelgo la fotografia per il prossimo post e lo faccio naturalmente nella cartellina “escursioni”, per non vedere la mia faccia, non usarla – non si sa mai che mi pigli anche questa, mi viene una rabbia enorme: la mia faccia è la mia faccia. E’ mia. Tutti i giorni da dieci anni a questa parte la passo davanti alla telecamera del computer e registro il cambiamento dal giorno prima. Poi la piazzo sul post. Io non ho paura di avere la mia faccia, perchè è mia, brutta scema che non sei altro. Sei te che devi avere paura e vergognare, stavolta, non io.

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