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E’ allora che sbucano loro, atroci quasi quarantenni vestite da bamboline, (presto) primipare attempate che hanno scoperto le ballerine porciani e I completini col colletto tondo bon ton, in maternity fit al sesto giorno di gravidanza, andatura lordotica e fondotinta chiaro nella nuance svergine-da-poco. E arrivano anche loro, I fidanzati da quattordici anni, con la faccia da coglione che contraddistingue I maschi che hanno aspettato troppo nella vita, ora con un sorriso a cento denti che malcela il dolore di dovere rinunciare alla moto e a Ibiza, contaminato dal terrore di deludere lei, la belva travestita da fidanzata che piace a mamma, che tutto di un botto si e’ svegliata fertile e materna. Mica e’ la norma, certo, ci sono magnifici esemplari di donne al sesto figlio, al primo o al “piuttosto mi annodo le tube di falloppio” accompagnate da maschi piu’ o meno graffianti, seppure sempre con l’aria spaesata di chi sa, in qualche maniera, che tutto sta per evolvere in carcere cinque stelle di massima sicurezza. Ma le mie riflessioni vanno alle mie coetanee che hanno fatto la scuola mediaset e che si mettono a fare il tapis roulant per non prendere peso, che fanno danza la sera per tenere il gluteo apposto nonostante il bimbo in arrivo, che si mettono questi vestitini molto Caroline di Monaco, nella speranza di elevarsi da un’avventura quale quella del parto che, parliamoci chiaro, e’ animalesca e triviale. L’arrivo delle emorroidi, eventuale ma probabile, da’ l’avvio a una serie di malfunzionamenti punto attraenti di cui le donne tacciono, certo, perche’ c’e’ da rimanere belline e strette per il marito nonostante il grande slabbro. Alle disgraziate come me cui tocca un cesareo, poi, perche’ il bimbo o si annoda o, semplicemente, perche’ non ci si fa a farlo dal buco giusto, tocca un anno di cattiverie da parte di chi? Delle altre donne che, gia’ slabbrate, con qualcuno se la dovranno pur pigliare: poverina, non ce l’ha fatta a farlo da se’. Tu dici epidurale e queste ti guardano come se tu te la fossi fatta addosso e puzzolente. Altro che vestitini alla Rania di Giordania: bestemmie in ogni lingua, perche’ il pupo non fa dormire, caca e piscia come un’oca inglese, perche’ I capelli cascano a mazze e si assomiglia a maialini d’india col pelo unto. Il seno si piena e si vuota, si ripiena e si rivuota, con dolori mica da poco e cedimento dei tessuti: quello che prima era dritto, fiero e accattivante ora e’ come la Torre di Pisa, bianchiccio e pendente. Se tutto va bene, dopo sei mesi torna in mente che, e’ vero, si puo’ parlare con un mammifero maschio senza desiderare che muoia, ma quella cosa li’, da fare nel letto, assomiglia piu’ a un incesto che a un divertimento. Si diventa grandi, con un figlio, semplicemente perche’ non c’e’ piu’ tempo per scherzare: se la piccina ha la diarrea, l’ansia che si prova e’ dieci volte maggiore al piu’ grande dei distacchi col moroso di turno e nemmeno comparabile ad un esame all’universita’. E se disgraziatamente si legge sul giornale di un bambino con un male incurabile o divorato da un cane, prende una fitta cosi’ forte al cuore da morire, quasi, di infarto. Il tutto, mentre il bikini di prima serve a coprire a malapena I capezzoli, e I pantaloni stanno tutti su come se tu fossi una pera deforme. Il tuo fidanzato o marito e’ li’, e tutto il suo decisionismo e la sua sensualita’ sono finiti dentro il cestino dei pannoloni usati: si abbandona a te come un bimbo smarrito in questo viaggio cosi’ difficile, dove tu, povera cosa strascicata, diventi un titano, una specie di filosofo elettricista, che fa tutto per il nido e chi ci sta dentro, fra un lasonil e distese di cacche di tutti I colori impacchettate per te, con amore, dalla tua creatura. Ci vuole un grande culo, intendo riserve di grasso, per sfangarla a fare la mamma e la compagna, e non e’ nemmeno detto che riesca. Meno ginnastica, meno dieta, piu’ grassi saturi e cervello, coraggio a chili e peli sullo stomaco: ma chi l’ha detto che in dieci giorni si deve tornare quello che si era? Ma quando mai nella vita si deve tornare, invece che andare? E le donne sono ancora addormentate, figlie di secoli di giudizi e di paura, e invece di godersi il figlio e il gelato alla televisione, passano I primi sei mesi a piangere perche’ hanno pochi carboidrati in corpo e la vita post natale le sta ammazzando dentro. Lo rifarei tutto: I trenta chili presi, I vestiti che nascondevano e proteggevano neri come la notte, le gite con papa’, le lacrime col mio compagno (come faremo?), I grattini con la mamma e la serenita’ di sapere: sto per diventare invincibile. Altro che in bikini dopo dieci giorni. Lo rifarei, si’. Prima, pero’.

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