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Ho dormito in ragnaia, l’annesso della casa di Vellano che fa rima col panorama, popolato da insetti ma soprattutto aracnidi di ogni forma e grandezza. Dormo spesso qui ultimamente; la verità è che pur di stare sola passerei la notte in una valigia, o dentro il frigo, o sopra la legna in garage. I neon color limone acido e violetto sono rimasti accesi fino a che il rumore delle bestie rare che popolano (anche) il giardino è sparito, oppure sono crollata e amen.

Mi sono svegliata presto, col sole negli occhi, già sagratando appena mi sono ricordata dell’ennesima serata tragica appena passata e la palla di rabbia che mi vive nello stomaco ha preso campo dovunque. “Potesse sparire. Lo potessero rapire le Farc”, penso intensamente, come quando da piccina mi ero fissata col procione di Candy Candy e lo volevo, lo volevo, lo volevo.

Lo sguardo intenerito delle sorelle mi fa a fette, la preoccupazione degli amici malcelata dai loro sorrisi teneri mi fa provare vergogna, le chiamate della mamma che mi scruta gli occhi per cercare le risposte alle domande da non fare ad alta voce mi fanno male, i messaggi di papà come stai topino? mi fanno sentire sempre la solita polpetta di problemi. Io sto bene. Non sono io il problema.

E la piccola? La coltellata. La sega elettrica di The Texas Chain Saw Massacre nelle budella, la colpa eterna dei peccati che ho commesso nelle vite precedenti (evidentemente) tutte assieme: io, la madre che non riesce a sedere a tavola per pranzo, che non sa fare la pummarola, che mangia erbacce pur di non andare allo stramaledetto supermercato, che è inseguita dal fidanzato che finalmente la ama, ora che lei ha messo fine al Circo Barnum della loro relazione, io, la maglia rotta nella rete che voleva essere una toppa, la consulente emotiva di tutti con una situazione personale che sarebbe comica, se non fosse tragica, io, innamorata della Toscana e esule a Londra, livornese che lavora nel lusso. Cercare nel dizionario all’aggettivo ossimoro, credo ci sia una mia foto.

La piccola vive nell’ambiente ostile che ho creato con le mie manine, “guardate, non ho fatto la marmellata di fichi, ma ho plasmato una bella famiglia buco nero in cui tutto è una tragedia, guardate come sono stata brava”. E se tutto va bene fra qualche anno la piccina lascerà il nido ed andrà a lavorare in Australia e si farà tappare le orecchie per non sentirmi. O forse mi amerà, e proverà a fare meglio di me, e mi perdonerà, per non avere saputo fare a modo – io me lo auguro.

Quindi, tre, due, uno: bailamme.

Lui intanto mi segue, si apposta fuori dal bagno, mi dice che mi ama tanto e piange. Piange. Piange. Ma quanto piange? Ma che ha, una disfunzione alle ghiandole lacrimali? Mi ama, ora che non lo amo più, e si mette tutto elegante. Sono strani gli uomini, che ti tirano le randellate in testa fino a che ti si rimbarca il collo ma poi, quando imbocchi la porta di casa, ti regalano le rose. Finalmente, alla fine dei giorni, ti vedono trasfigurata.

“Sono stato un cretino”. No, tu sei un’utilitaria con sotto il motore di una Lotus pilotata da un cieco, non un cretino. Sei la reincarnazione di Liza Minelli, con il carattere docile e assertivo di Freddy Krueger, sei Jagger e Richards fusi assieme dopo due bottiglie di whiskey a chiorba, sei magnifico e terribile come la pubertà, e io sono una povera donna di quarantadue anni col femore corto e una chitarra, che sogna di assopirsi al caminetto senza necessariamente avere da combattere Tutti I Mali del Mondo tutte le sere, anzi, un brodino magari. Sei come quelle donne bellissime che poi il marito scappa con una tarchiata e bruttina, che almeno la sera un bicchiere di vino e cacciucco.

Ma sono tornata, rimango a casa, in Italia, mi riprendo la vita, mi riprendo l’amore, la colonica con le galline, forse anche un cane. Due, anzi. Mi imparo a fare la pummarola, divento maga, ti faccio sparire e faccio apparire un piatto di bruschette all’aglio, invece.

Mamma mi dispiace, nessuna buona notizia nemmeno a questo giro.

juanita

50% business, 50% eggs benedict

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