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Camminiamo come due semi-morti, controllando bene la punta delle scarpe passo dopo passo: che si trovi lì il segreto di un’unione felice? “Dovremmo fare come Sarah e John”, dico “e separare famiglia e amore, fare un sacco di viaggi assieme, attività a due, ma avere un amante, quelle coppie lì”. Un paio di secondi e capisce di chi sto parlando, di loro che comprano i cd assieme, poi lei ha un ragazzo e anche lui ha un ragazzo. “Non dire cretinate”, dice. Parliamo ad un volume impercettibile, sibiliamo veleno, ci segue la piccina, che non ha bisogno di sapere, ancora, quale massacro sia avere una famiglia per chi, come noi, si è incontrato sull’isola-che-non-c’è. Ci stiamo andando a divertire, per definizione, anche se dopo dieci anni ci vogliono un sacco di soldi per fare qualcosa che rimanga impresso: quindi andiamo, come montoni al sacrificio, in un Sabato qualunque. Sarà champagne, macarons, millefeuille, carpacci, un tripudio di modernismi per borghesia benestante, quelli che diventiamo quando siamo infelici.

“Sembra di essere allo zoo sub-umano di Dubai”, dico. “Falla finita”. Sono ipnotizzata da un tavolo con sei persone identiche, e un altro tavolo con una signora bionda, bellissima, una bambolona di settant’anni coperta di animali morti. Non li ha catturati nel bosco, probabilmente, quei topi pelosi, non a mani nude, non per cuocerne le carni su un fuoco vivo dopo una battuta di caccia: li ha certamente accattati da Harrods e non ha dovuto sudare nemmeno un pochino. Se qualcuno si volesse mettere la mia (pelosa) pelliccia dovrebbe corrermi dietro almeno una notte, penso.

“Guarda che belle scarpe”, dice.

“Sembrano ortopediche, poverino, forse ha perso mezzo piede”, dico. La piccina ride, ma dice che sono di Adidas, e sono molto cool. Sembrano, sinceramente, le scarpe di uno con le moppine rimasto intrappolato sull’Etna mentre eruttava. “Costano tantissimo”, dice la delfina, con ammirazione.

Rientriamo nel silenzio cupo e livoroso, ma sorridenti: la bambina si sta divertendo e noi sembriamo bloccati da una emiparesi alla mascella. Arrivano i mini-burgers, tre pallette che unite compongono un big mac, ma separate compongono ventiquattro sterline. Ci sono anche le patatine fritte surgelate, ma tagliate diverse, meno quadrate. Altre sette sterline. Certo che ci vuole una brancata di mentecatti come noi per stare qui. Non c’è traccia di un maschio eterosessuale nel diametro di dieci miglia e questo è sempre un buon segno quando si mangia e si comprano quadri.

Gesticolando lui rovescia un bicchiere di champagne (con fragore), ce lo sostituiscono subito. Senza farcelo pagare. Gli faccio una foto con tutto il tavolo sbrodolato, dico, “Questa la uso alla prossima litigata”. Sorride. Sono una fonte inesauribile di freddure, io. “Non devo gesticolare mentre parlo”, risponde. Ce l’abbiamo fatta: sosteniamo ormai due dialoghi diversi, allo stesso tavolo, nello stesso tempo, senza interferire minimamente l’uno con l’altro. Siamo una metafora, un ologramma. Mi fa furia, dobbiamo andare a comprare un migliaio di cose per la piccina: eccoci a Golconda, ovvero i grandi magazzini. Tutto profuma di teflon, ci sono le paillettes, le farfalline, i nasi rifatti, le emanazioni umane coi capelli fatti a bitorsoli, le tiare, i droni col motore a ione, le pellicciotte fucsia, i mariti bassi con le scarpe di coccodrillo, le gemelle vestite identiche (con le farfalline, le tiare, i capelli a bitorsoli), le bocche pastose, gli stormi di pinguini ingioiellati, i giapponesi alti.

Arriva notte, ce ne usciamo con pacchi di cose, andiamo a casa. ‘Prendiamo un taxi’ dice, ‘No, autobus’, dico assertiva e ferma. Non fare con cento sterline quello che puoi fare con due, penso. Sono soddisfatta, dentro di me, io Potnia amministratrice, che tiene la sua manina ferma sui conti di casa. Sul treno, dopo il bus, incontriamo diciassettemila (per davvero) persone che erano ad una partita di rugby molto speciale, mi dicono, dove si inizia a bere la mattina e gli uomini si vestono da donna. Ballano nel compartimento, mondi di birra e gin, sembra di essere dentro una distilleria di sidro, due fermate e siamo a casa.

“Rimani giù, stasera” mi dice. In genere io salgo, di tre piani – abbiamo una casa enorme. Vado a letto alle sette e mezzo quasi ogni giorno, dopo una camomilla, e la mattina mi sveglio fresca, dimagrita e depressa come una rosa da serra. Rimango.

“Ti odio. Mi hai rubato il posto. Mi hai fatto diventare quella che tiene i conti, a me, che a dodici anni ho comprato una vasca idro-massaggio senza avere una lira (per mamma, ha pagato papà). Mi hai bloccato a casa mentre te continuavi a volare, a uscire, a fare il pazzo. A me, la perfetta miscela di Tanguy e Gay Peter Pan, a me, che ho dormito su almeno mille divani letto, mi hai relegato a donnina nel malefico talamo nuziale, mi hai fatto diventare un santino della mater cretinissima, regina della stamberga coi gerani, la cerebrolesa che sa quando finisce il detersivo per i piatti con tre giorni di anticipo. Io, voglio stare fuori. Io, voglio fare tardi. Io, voglio essere quella per cui tutti scuotono la testa, non te”. Silenzio. “E non stai nemmeno mai zitto un cazzo di minuto”. Gli dico.

Piange.

E piango anche io. Da dove arriva questa palla di caldo che sale su dai piedi e mi scoppia nella testa, uscendo dagli occhi?

“Non facciamo come John e Sarah, ti prego”. Dice.

“Mi piaci ancora”, dico. “Mi piaci ancora, sei cosi bello, ma non capisci cosa ti sto dicendo?”.

“Non ci ho mai pensato prima, ma perché non me lo hai detto?”.

Ma che ne so. Facciamo le tre. Stamani ho malditesta, non sono fresca, non sono dimagrita, sono felice come un girasole in un campo aretino sotto il sole alle tre del pomeriggio.

juanita

50% business, 50% eggs benedict

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