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Il porcellino della Deutsche Bank, uno rosso per mia sorella e uno blu per me, ci venne a trovare quando avevamo pochi anni sulle spalle, credo cinque o giù di lì. Era ricoperto di una stoffa pelosa ed era inespugnabile: praticamente era una metafora di me stessa fino ai sedici anni. Il buchino sulla schiena del porco, come lo chiamavo fra me e me, era piccolino così. Sotto, nella posizione fra la pancia e le pudenda, stava la chiusura nera, che si poteva aprire solo recitando la composizione del solfito di tungsteno a memoria oppure con le chiavette, che mamma custodiva per il nostro bene. Certo.

Fin dal primo minuto il mio impegno fu volto a (ri)ottenere le monete che ci venivano messe dentro, purchè fossero superiori alle 200 lire. Ogni tentativo di scasso non funzionava, non ne voleva sapere di aprirsi, pesava come una lastra di marmo e l’unica sua funzionalità era quella di cascare in terra, incrinarsi e farmi pigliare le botte. Questo fino all’epifania: lo bucherò con qualcosa che sta nella scatola degli aghi, mi dissi, quella con l’alone viola attorno, quella che quando ci passo vicino nonna mi guarda come a dire toccalo e ti metto nella scarpiera.

Aspettavo che mamma uscisse a fare il giardino, ovvero a levare i cachi spiaccicati in terra, per precipitarmi alla cesta dei ferri & cose pericolose, e incominciavo a infilare ganci da uncinetto dentro il buchino. Non è che servissero a racimolare soldi, ma mi faceva piacere violàre il suino e fargli capire che le mie manine, prima o poi, lì dentro ci sarebbero entrate. Mentre il porco rosso di mia sorella rimaneva intonso, quello blu assumeva forme sempre più strane, sembrava avere tumori da tutte le parti, non aveva più gli occhi ma due buchi graffiati, e l’ingresso assomigliava sempre di più a un rombo.

Nonostante questa dismorfia provocata, la mamma continuava a metterci i soldini, compiaciuta del fatto che il cinghiale domestico non avesse ancora ceduto ai miei attacchi, maledizione, mentre tutte le bambole erano già state scotennate a dovere, divelte nel mezzo e rasate a zero. Dentro al soffia schiuma della vasca con le bolle di Barbie avevo messo l’inchiostro della penna profumata, dentro a cicciobello (orbo anche lui) avevo infilato fazzoletti usati e ghiaia, eppure il porco non si voleva arrendere.

A primavera, dopo mesi di letargo immeritus, mamma utilizzò le due chiavine per aprire i due porcellini e rovesciò il contenuto sul tavolo. Compì due errori madornali, che stanno alla base delle mie scelte esistenziali e lavorative a seguire: il primo fu quello di rovesciare i due contenuti nello stesso cesto, vanificando la mia intenzione di umiliare la mia sorella con il doppio delle sue monetine gialle. Il secondo fu quello di dividere in parti uguali il tutto e pronunciare l’infausta frase: “allora bimbe, qui ci stanno due giochini da diecimila lire per ognuna di voi eccetera”. Ragionamento da cui dedussi che non importa quanto ti impegni per depredare una banca o accumulare beni materiali, tanto poi arriva qualcuno e ridistribuisce il tutto con condizioni per te svantaggiose.

Pensavo alla storia del porco, oggi, quando guardavo la bolletta della telecom, che dopo avermi levato il servizio per mesi per un errore di chi non si sa, non solo mi ha addebitato un conguaglio consistente, ma mi ha pure addebitato la riattivazione della linea. Allora, sempre oggi, ho pensato forte al mio vecchio suino blu, a come un pomeriggio ho scoperto che mettendolo a testa in giù e utilizzando l’ago di lana per posizionare le monete parallele al buco queste cascavano giù, una dopo l’altra. A quando ho capito che potevo fare lo stesso con il porcello rosso: tante ne prendevo dal mio, tante ne sottraevo dal maialino della mia sorella per non farle fare bella figura.

Ancora non sapevo che stavo solo anticipando un’ingiustizia che comunque mi sarebbe stata infilitta, ma il gusto di perforare quell’essere ignobile era stata comunque irripetibile. Ho chiamato l’avvocato, ancora oggi, e per settanta euro di estorsione gratuita ho deciso di vendicarmi del porco della Deutsche Bank, e infilare di nuovo il mio spillone – non nel buco di sopra.

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