Mi riservo, con fermezza, il diritto di contraddirmi.

Juanita de Paola

Sono rimasta stilisticamente  intrappolata negli anni settanta, nonostante non li abbia vissuti. Per quanto riguarda i numeri di telefono ho invece smesso di ricordarli a memoria da cinque anni, è successo quando entrambi i miei genitori hanno acquistato il secondo cellulare con un numero lungo e difficile, e il mio io-bambino si è rifiutato di riconoscere i cambiamenti in atto. E’ strano che ricordi a mente il numero del mio primo fidanzatino, nonchè i nomi di tutti i componenti della famiglia di Antonella, mia amica alle medie, ma non riesca ad immagazzinare le nuove emails, i nuovi account, nicknames e identità frammentate dei miei nuovi amici, chiamiamoli così. Credo che la memoria si faccia giorno dopo giorno sempre più specializzata  – che si americanizzi ?

Ad esempio è sempre più frequente che rimanga congelata da un odore che mi ricorda qualcosa, non so cosa di preciso, ma so che non si poteva raccontare alla mamma. Lo chiamo il richiamo naturale alla felicità, e sto maturando la convinzione che sia una valvola di salvataggio, una sveglia: da cosa, faccio finta di non saperlo con grande intento, encomiabile direi. Il punto è che non sto bene dentro queste nuove scarpe da signora dabbene, fedele, nei panni della brava (si suppone) mammina che partecipa ai compleanni – oggesù aiutami a trovare un nuovo aggettivo per quelli, perchè agghiaccianti non è abbastanza – e persona che dà le mance ai fradelli negri che mi offrono i fazzoletti al bar. Li invidio, piuttosto,  questi ragazzi che se ne vanno a giro con un borsone e a fine mattinata devolvono un pò dei fondi a una bella birretta: non posso farlo io, se no sbaglio i files di excell, le proiezioni, la motivazione, mi dimentico della figlia e non mi dedico abbastanza al fidanzato.

Anche le attività collaterali, specialmente se regolari, mi gettano nella disperazione: non posso fare a meno di pensare al giudizio universale, quando qualcuno mi chiederà è vero che sei andata a Pilates per dieci anni di fila? Confermi di avere fatto decoupage? Puoi anche confermare di avere preferito lo jogurt intero al limone tutta la vita? A quel punto, dopo avere annuito mi smembreranno e getteranno i pezzi sgraziati nella gora dell’eterno fetore. Le attività ricreative di gruppo, i gruppi in genere, mi danno la sensazione della termite osservata dall’armadillo, che a sua volta è tentuo d’occhio dalla tigre che è cacciata dall’uomo, minato dall’ippopotamo, dall’inps e dal fato. Ma fanculo al ciclo vitale e alla gazzella con il leone.

Nel vano tentativo di vivere una vita irripetibile e normale mi butto quindi da un circolo arci a uno velico, per trovare benzina e tenere in vita il mio status quo di essere umano, confortata dal fatto che Bob Dylan è ancora vivo e Slash ha avuto la meglio su Axel Rose. Mi riservo, in entrambi i posti, di essere presa per il culo ora da un gruppo ora dall’altro, giacchè per qualche motivo mi viene spontaneo vestirmi da posh spice (più venti chili) al circolo e da ormeggiatore allo yachting club. Comincio a pensare che la mia memoria che si rifiuta di incamerare nuove persone o evoluzioni delle vecchie sia semplicemente solo un’estensione del mio nuovo assetto genetico: l’homo marsicanus. Nessuno dei miei compagni di viaggio, chiamiamoli anche così, quindi si stupisca di vedermi vestita da Ivana Trump al lancio della nuova campagna di Emergency: è il mio io-aperitivo che prova a compicciare qualcosa.  (Mi riservo, con fermezza, il diritto di contraddirmi, Paul Claudel)

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