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Avete registrato il mio accesso alla Redoute, una specie di postalmarket dove vado a vedere che vestiti stanno bene alle persone, magari immagino di comprarli – poi non ho voglia. Avrete registrato anche il mio accesso su Holy Moly, quel sito di gossip, e poi al Corriere. Immagino che il cookie, il biscottino, di YouPorn sia stato depositato nella memoria storica del browser, anche: ero certa di avere visto quella cameriera bionda da qualche parte, e la troverò. Ci potrei scommettere milioni e milioni di euro. Non che io abbia poi voglia di scriverne, non mi interessa quello che fanno le donne con il loro mezzo, salvo quando poi ricoprono cariche ministeriali per cui non sono preparate. Ma solo perchè non sono preparate: credo nella redenzione continua, nella capacità dell’uomo di rigenerarsi una volta al giorno, figuriamoci se mi lascio impressionare da qualche marchetta.

Avete messo un segnaposto anche su Template Monster: è lì che vado a vedere come disegnano ora i web guru quando hanno da rappresentare viaggi, foto, altro. Non lo faccio più, ma mi dispiace parecchio. Sono sicura che avete preso il calco delle mie orme su You Tube, nell’area dei tutorials in cui si impara a riprodurre Jill Scott. Non so se registrate i giri che mi faccio sulle foto degli altri su facebook, ma se io fossi in voi lo farei: quale occasione commerciale più ghiotta di me che vado a controllare le foto in costume e dei matrimoni di tutti quelli che le mostrano. Chissà che capitale si può fare su di me che mi metto al piano e provo a fare quel si bemolle nona settima quarta undicesima sotto sopra. Chi lo sa quali ricchezze spropositate può ottenere una società imparando che amo guardare il sito di Sartorialist fino a che mi ricordo tutto, fino alla nausea, per cercare di capire l’arte del colore che si abbina con le scarpe: non compro nulla, niente, non mi interessa. “No grazie, non mi interessa. Tenete un euro per il caffè”.

Comunque voi fate il vostro dovere e avete capito che io lavoro con gli immobili e allora, in mancanza di indicazioni efficaci, mi sciorinate tutti i miei competitors sulla barra di sinistra: mi spiace, non ci compro nulla nemmeno lì. Anzi, sto religiosamente segnando tutti quelli che acquistano una campagna AdSense su Google con l’intento programmatico di non utilizzarli mai: non posso premiare chi mi intralcia la porta della casina virtuale come un piazzista di Geova, no, lo devo punire. Mi fate apparire anche prestiti, non so come avete capito che il mio conto in banca è allegramente banale, eppure a me hanno insegnato che se non ce l’hai, i soldi, non ci puoi comprare le cose. Che se te li prestano è perchè li rivogliono indietro con gli interessi. E che gli unici che ti fanno i favori sono la mamma e il papà, se tutto va bene.

Insomma mi avete intercettato. Affari vostri: avete sprecato un monumentale quantitativo di energie dietro a una che si deve ancora comprare le scarpe dell’estate e che si è commossa quando le hanno detto “il tuo mac sta esalando l’ultimo respiro”: e che cacchio, siamo stati assieme sette anni con quel monumento alla funzionalità. Datemi tempo. Vi perdono, perchè non sapevate a cosa andavate incontro.

Quello che invece io non vi perdono è l’avere tarpato le ali alla farfalla della conoscenza, alla ricerca su internet che si è involuta da algoritmo ricerca di parole chiave a equazione del bisogno di acquisto. No, non sto cercando l’agriturismo con l’animazione per i bambini, sto cercando una foto di Volterra, perchè non ci sono (ancora) stata. Non sono i Sofitel che cerco a New York, anzi, non ho ancora deciso se starò da un’amica. Nel frattempo volevo saperne un pochino di più, volevo vedere se è possibile stare in casa di sconosciute certificate, che di un viaggio senza nuove amicizie non me ne faccio di nulla. No, non voglio partecipare all’orgia di massa di Groupon e acquistare seicento kit sbiancanti per i denti: si fa dal dentista quella roba, se no il tartaro dove lo metti, sotto la candeggina? Io fumo. E bevo molti caffè. Non andrò in un residence di merda in Calabria a centotredici euro al mese se altri settecento ci vogliono andare, ma mi riservo il diritto di vedere un volantino su un giornale e prenotare per il giorno dopo. Solo perchè l’ho visto in un momento felice.

Non faccio quello che mi dite, quando me lo dite, solo perchè mi fate lo sconto. Non trovo quello che voi volete che io trovi: mi sono infurbita, so quali parole chiave devo evitare per non avere risultati con prezzi annessi. Certe volte voglio solo sapere se esiste una telecamera che filma un panda che cresce in Cina. Tutto lì. Ma vi chiedo: pensate davvero di stare guadagnando qualcosa? Le politiche utilitaristiche e a breve termine involgariscono chi le pratica, non chi le deve subire. Non appena trovo un nuovo motore di ricerca, meno cool, meno scafato, io ci migro – e non sono la sola: e agli inserzionisti che gli raccontate? “Ci siamo persi gli utenti”. Saranno ragni amari.

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