Questa settimana a Washington accade il Senior Docudrama, una piece teatrale con una trama fragile e un sottotitolo parecchio spocchioso. Serve, l’evento, a unificare giovani studenti, i loro genitori probabilmente, e qualche vecchio bighellone in città – che paga la metà. Il mio amico W, che basta che una cosa costi meno e ci si fionda come una macchia di ragù su una camicia bianca, non se la perderà. Dopo avere passato una vita, la sua, ad essere un professionista stimato, avere guadagnato copiosamente, avere offeso tutte le categorie minori con intento e – gli va dato – un sarcasmo che fa scoppiare dal ridere, è diventato il fuco di sè stesso. Ha la tesserina per viaggiare in treno gratuitamente, in aeroporto ha il lounge (stanzina?) con gli stuzzichini e così via, può viaggiare in posti terribili con sconti sostanziosi: dovunque si giri, c’è qualcosa che è pronto a costare meno e ricordargli di essere pressappocco a cento metri da porta inferi.
Le donne sono bombardate da messaggi del tipo curati, spalmati, truccati, sei vecchia; oppure sposati, e fai la lista, non vorrai finire coi gatti; ma anche cerca di non mangiare, razza di vacca per tutta la durata della vita, a partire dai primi anni. Sviluppiamo anticorpi esistenziali alla vecchiaia che ci fanno arrivare preparate: facciamo sparire i compleanni, ci innamoriamo due volte al giorno, magari un ritocchino, e quando alla stazione ferroviaria aprono la linea biglietti per gli oltre sessanta facciamo le corna dietro la schiena, tiriamo un accidente e giriamo i talloni, senza farci vedere da nessuno: è la sopravvivenza, baby, e nessuno vuole invitare a cena una donnina che viaggia gratis nel tratto Pistoia – Neto, Zambra e Castello (figuriamoci sfilarle le mutande).
Quindi W, dopo avere guidato una Jaguar dietro l’altra a velocità smodata per anni, ha acquistato una macchina stretta. Ora, io non me ne intendo, ma non c’è nulla di più triste di un auto fina fina con le gomme piccine, che si infila dappertutto: il punto dell’autoveicolo con il maschio sopra, è proprio quello di non entrare da nessuna parte, di strombazzare più fiorte, di farsi notare quando si passa con qualunque mezzuccio – tinta gialla Titti?, o di essere completamente trasandato e da battaglia. Nessun uomo serio, dico, può tenere linda una macchinetta piccina e grigia, che ha il sensore per parecheggiare senza sbatacchiare.
W ha la tessera del supermercato: ogni dieci pasti fatti acquistati in gastronomia gli danno una piantina, perchè verso i settanta è cosa buona e giusta annaffiare il basilico in cucina – dice che faccia meglio quello che fumare dieci sigari al giorno. Quindi ha la cucina ricoperta di poveri vegetali strappati ad una vita di selvaggina e finite nella cucina chic di un ex tombeur che viveva in vestaglia. Ha anche un abbonamento televisivo di mille canali, e le pantofole con le cifre. Paga centinaia di euro per gli abbonamenti alle riviste serie, quelle dove non sanno nulla della crisi economica che sta per arrivare ma dopo ne hanno un’idea precisa, scritte coi font quadrati della famiglia Times New Roman. Non esce a trovare gli amici se non si sono programmati due settimane prima. W ordina sempre la solita cosa, quel piatto in quel ristorante, quel Martini in quel bar, come a rinsaldare i suoi gusti presso il resto dell’umanità, come se fosse importante.
Io, che a W voglio molto bene, gliene faccio di tutti i colori. Gli ho buttato via la tesserina color argento che gli fa dare gli sconti sui libri. Lo ho convinto a venire a Torre del Lago con un costume giovanile e orrido per farsi un aperitivo deviato. L’ho invitato in un posto e poi non mi sono fatta trovare, così ha impiegato dieci ore in quel panico pieno che aiuta il cervello a rimanere sveglio. L’ho portato a litigare con l’omino delle bombole che lo frega sempre e a rubare dolci al supermercato in cui non ha lo sconto. Gli ho chiesto, se proprio non ne può fare a meno quando non ci sono, di non tirare fuori nulla di umiliante quando arriviamo alla cassa, di non chiedere riduzioni, di anzi lasciare qualcosa in più per la cassiera e strizzarle l’occhio, se possibile di invitarla a fare due salti nel letto, che una vita morigerata porta all’infarto subito.
Se un giorno qualcuno mi chiedesse quale talento mi riconosco di più, direi senza indugio che io so vedere gli occhi dei bambini dentro le facce di ognuno; so riconoscere la ragazza pestifera nella donnina che trascina la borsa con le ruote dal supermercato a casa. Sento le pulsioni dell’ortolano che solo qualche anno prima spariva alla moglie e infrattava la Duna nello slargo sotto la villa dei matrimoni. Ascolto i vecchi e li capisco, perchè ogni tanto mi giro e dico ma come ho fatto ad arrivare qui? E’ un attimo, per me. Deve essere una bruciatura odierna, possente, per loro. In un paese che tiene ai suoi abitanti, dovrebbero dare la pensione ai giovani e fare lavorare i vecchi, che sanno le cose. Dovrebbero dare gli sconti agli adolescenti, per la sofferenza della loro età, e fare pagare il doppio agli ottantenni. Dovrebbero assumere loro, piuttosto, per incarichi stressanti e nessuno si cagherebbe più addosso in qualche casa dell’anziano. Ai piccoli che rispondono male ai nonni dovrebbero essere frustate le mani. L’artrite, mi sto convincendo, è una forma di orticaria.
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Ci vuole una particolare forma di perversione per infrattarsi con la Duna. Peraltro in Italia si stima l’esistenza di n. 3 ortolani ex proprietari di Dune: la speranza è che l’anonimato in questo caso sia supportato dall’analfabetismo informatico della consorte.
Post straordinario, anzi nel tuo caso bisognerebbe dire ordinariamente geniale.