Partita, fagioli, cipolle, rutto libero.

La partita di Champions, qualunque cosa la sigla significhi, ha un corrispettivo nell’emisfero femminile: il filmino d’amore con lieto fine. per intendersi: non Titanic, non Via col vento, non Vento di Passioni – nonostante una Brad Pitt che giustifica la lotta delle donne nel fango – bensì In Good Company con Dannis Quaid, o French Kiss con Kevin Kline, Twilight ma anche New Moon, con Robert Pattinson, ovvero “dell’inusitato scompenso ormonale e attempata”.

Dalla pubblicità di carefree modello urina, in cui due disgraziate si incontrano in ascensore rallegrandosi che c’è carefree per le nostre perdite, che assorbe tutto, e pensa, abbiamo la veneranda età di 42 anni, si capisce bene quale sia il nostro futuro: un marketing di disperazione, popolato di pazze che gioiscono per la nuova dentiera auto aderente, in contrapposizione ad uno maschile fatto di viagra, cialis e piselli ritti. Quindi bisogna accumulare quanta più gioia possibile, per arrivare ai sessanta con una bisaccia di forza, che ci servirà a digerire le avances di nostro marito con le nipotine venute  a trovarci dall’America.

Eppure non è un caso che le amanti siano sempre più brutte della moglie: è perchè hanno accumulato più bisacce di positività, loro, hanno dovuto iniziare alle medie, quando i compagni di classe le chiamavano Cacatoia, o Rutty, o Apparecchio e così via. Io, che si faceva prima a saltarmi che a girarmi intorno, ho infatti iniziato ad accumulare allegria da subito. Mi sono anche dedicata alla fotografia al solo scopo di vedere maschi mezzi nudi e ragazze ridere senza che i due fenomeni fossero simultanei e correlati al mio mettermi in costume alla piscina comunale.

Mi sovviene ora che a ventanni decisi, finalmente, di iscrivermi a nuoto. Andavo la mattina, per non incontrare persone attraenti. Facevo un corso dove ci si infilavano tubi colorati di gomma fra le cosce e nel frattempo ci si sbracciava, in acqua, come dei poveri disgraziati in tempo di guerra. Questo movimento, unito alla cuffia blue in testa (a arrotondare persino le più fini delle mascelle, figuriamoci la mia, che non ha angoli), ci rendeva delle creature sublimate da una bruttezza irreale, catartica, didascalica. Quand’ecco che, nella corsia dietro la nostra, mi accorgo che prendeva lezioni private, senza cuffia, Danny Mendez, la futura prima miss Italia straniera. Interno. Piscina comunale. Corsia di dietro. 94 gradi. Ciack. Non farò mai più sport in pubblico in vita mia, ma Signore, perché mi hai fatto questo?.

Per il filmino d’amore ci vogliono solo attori di successo e comedy proof, ovvero Meg Ryan prima di rovinarsi la faccia col botulino e palle di medusa gonfia. Ma anche Marisa Tomei, la divina Julia Roberts, Minnie Driver, Ashton e compagnia belli. Ci vogliono facce positive sorrisi e trame delicate, certe. inverosimili.

— Sent with Mail3 – the new generation of mobile messaging


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