Pasqua criogenica.

 

Tommy Sturlini e Juanita de Paola

Il critico d’Arte che guardava la rassegna di video installazioni aveva il fiato tipico che contraddistingue le persone che digeriscono male; d’altronde il suo borsello marsupio raccontava una storia. Con un riportino modesto e gli occhi a cinese aveva la faccia unta di chi si e’ trovato per sbaglio al posto giusto, nel momento giusto. Camminava con il potere che gli era stato conferito, di riuscire a dire questo e’ bello, questo e’ brutto.

L’artista che aveva fatto pipi’ davanti a qualche vecchina per fare scandalo si era dimenticato che qui, a Vellano, per fare un polverone basta ordinare la cernia o dire di votare Berlusconi: avrebbe potuto raggiungere risultati assai piu’ importanti senza tirarselo fuori. Mi aveva regalato una cartolina con lui nudo con delle donne nude. L’artista aspettava il commento del commentatore, che fu spietato e poi benevolo. Il giudizio si basava infatti sulle facce degli astanti, e quindi era variabile in maniera direttamente proporzionale al gradimento del popolo minuto (inclusa la sottoscritta).

Il critico si fermava poi a prendere una birra e la beveva alzando il mignolo, una di quelle colpe che non mi stimolano perdono per nulla per nulla. Seduto con una farda bionda di Prato che se non stava attenta a tenere le gambe chiuse arrivava l’anticlone delle Azzorre, sorrideva sornione, come uno Sgarbi di montagna, e si segnava su un taccuino ora un “bene” ora un “male”. L’itinerario si fermava alla base di Vellano, vicino al negozietto del “pane & cose vitali” , passando per la nostra casa, qui chiamata “La Villa di Rossi”, perche’ apparteneva ad un gioielliere matto sfasciato (forse era la moglie, forse era lui, forse tutti e due) che si chiamava, appunto, Rossi.

C’e’ una gioia fantozziana nell’essere in vacanza in montagna: l’entusiasmo che deriva dal lavarsi i denti a meno venti gradi, l’emicrania causata dal camino bruciante un quintale di legna all’ora eppure ancor tiepido, le brioches che dopo dieci minuti hanno la consistenza del nucleo di Urano, le ascelle pezzate perche’ fare la doccia e’ impossibile se uno prima non ha bevuto due litri di scotch e pericoloso dopo averlo fatto, i sogni d’oro sotto la coperta elettrica con il cursore posizionato su Modo Cortocircuito sono quanto di meglio la vita mi possa offrire.

Il percorso che va dal bidet alla doccia e’ facile come l’Eroica per chi non e’ mai andato in bicicletta; gli asciugamani sono coperti da un sottile strato di brina, la temperatura del water la notte ha un effetto criogenico sul sedere, che si risvegliera’ fra cento anni. Saluto il ragno Maurizio e mi dirigo verso la cucina, sperando che un’auotocombustione mi bruci viva, per sentire almeno un po’ di caldo prima di morire.

Questa casa e’ a tema: Portofino & Positano. Essendo a venti minuti dalle piste dell’Abetone non abbiamo resistito, e non abbiamo rimosso ne’ il trittico incastonato nel muro sulla Piazzetta, ne’ le lampade della Madonna Fosforescente con i finti zampilli di acqua, ne’ le conchiglie finte appese al muro del giardino pensile (con il discobolo in miniatura, piazzato davanti ad una luce che a notte ne proietta l’ombra sul Borgo premedievale, cosi’, a presa di giro).  Quando il critico passo’, vedendo il nostro amatissimo discobolo, disse ad alta voce “ma che cafoni, ma guarda te, lo vedi questi montanini, persino il discobolo hanno messo… che vergogna, che orrore”.

Fu allora che sentii affiorare il mio spirito livornese e, con tutta la grazia possibile, mi affacciai dal balconcino, e sussurrai oh Benito Oliva di Fucecchio , ma ti levi da’coglioni, provocando imbarazzo generale e un accenno di tumulto. Vinse la gara quell’anno la coppia di Mantova, che parlava le lingue mentre si avvolgeva nel cellophane.

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