Per me animali morti, grazie.

Juanita de Paola

E’ arrivata la spesa a casa mediante un signore paonazzo. Si capisce che l’ordine è stato perpetrato da uomini, perchè non c’è una cosa che non scarterei, spalmerei addosso, mangerei con gocce di grasso che colano. L’idea di dieta di Zio W è come la mia di sport: fasulla e infantile.

Ha intrapreso un nuovo regime proteico, che novità, a base di pesce e carne. Sono arrivati dieci pacchi di scampi in pastella prefritta con salsine che, giuro, vorrei fossero sepolte con me se si può evitare di cremarmi: quando nostro Signore ci farà ripigliare i corpi io avrò dita per infilarmi in gola quei cestelli, senza nemmeno levare la plastica. Ci sono anche le verdure: fagioli sbrodoloni, lenticchie in crema dolce, zuppa di mascarpone e pomodoro. Vaglielo a spiegare.

Mi hanno lasciato sola (oppure, Ha Ascoltato Le Mie Preghiere) ad attendere lo scaricatore di generi alimentari e penso che ci sia un sacco di organizzazione umana per fare giungere al mio intestino ciò che il mio ano riprodurrà sotto forma di un unico colore. Centinaia di posti di lavoro, miliardi di fatturato, logistiche alla potenza del Big Ben, al fronte dei quali io devo solo appoggiare queste straordinarie chiappe su un vater e plasmare materia.

Ma io mi impedisco di vedere la vita così, deteriorata, perchè questa è roba per comunisti lascivamente depressi, aggressivamente ironici. Disperati. Suicidi. E io non posso dare fomentare questa parte di me. Io credo nel Natale, negli atti singoli che cambiano la vita e alla possibilità di rimaneggiare il passato finchè non assomiglia a quello che voglio essere domani. Io sono un’anarchica filo-monarchica.

Quindi congedo il poveruomo senza dargli nemmeno una sterlina di mancia, ho solo euro e comunque è Domenica, non è che ogni minuto posso essere compassionevole. Due casse di uova di quaglia – questo è l’Inglese, ora appassionato guardatore di televisione a tema cucina. Sauvignon a litri e tofu con un  piccolo ricettario appeso, credo sia per me. Il Tofu è come quando da piccino hai la smania e mordi le seggiole, stesso sapore: serve solo a riempire gli spazi vuoti nello stomaco senza fargli danno, anche se c’è una fetta di umanità che considera il cucinarlo.

I tre sono da Cartier, come si conviene ad ogni famiglia che un mese è rovinata e quello dopo è piena di soldi. Questi siamo noi, un grafico a forma di tette immense e puntite, come la Mansfield. Ho cercato all’inizio di imporre il mio pauperismo, levando ai mesi grassi e aggiungendo a quelli magri, ma ho deciso che l’unico sistema per non vincere questa battaglia è combatterla. Ho sedici conti in banca, ognuno con un nome in codice, e tutti segreti dai miei cari – per proteggerli da sè stessi. Nei momenti in cui il mondo là fuori si conguaglia come una grande bolletta io intervengo.

Ogni anno, dopo avere magari rateizzato la spesa del cellulare da Miami, (seimila sterline l’ultima), l’Inglese acquista un pezzo per Mezza Pinta, per costituire il suo tesoretto. La sua parure. La bambina è convinta di appartenere ad una casata nobile e, cosa più triste, anche suo padre. Il patto è che io mi occupi della sua alimentazione ed educazione, mentre lui è addetto ai vestitini e alle cose frou-frou; i due compartimenti non si scontrano e non si incontrano, per il bene di tutti. Dovrei riuscire così a tirare su una persona normale.

Mangeremo al pub, oggi, quello qui sotto, dove servono solo roba disgustosa come piace a me. Baciasche di patate rifritte, arrosto e ripassate in qualche rivolo di grasso. Cosci di agnello obeso. Zuppe lardose. Calici di birra sufficienti per lavare un cristiano di sei anni. Mezza Pinta mi chiederà nell’orecchio cosa può mangiare senza offendere il papà e io le ordinerò tutto quello che lui odia, l’Inglese ordinerà fuori menù e in cucina lo manderanno tutti a cagare, per me animali morti e Zio W tutto quello che si trova sul lato che riesce ancora a vedere dopo la sesta pinta. Buona Domenica.

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