Tazze di caffè vuote, radio sintonizzata su una emittente parigina che manda suoni melò, così come dovrebbe essere, faccia tumefatta di chi ha dormito ore, e ore, e ore. Verrà il giorno in cui sarò messa davanti a quel tribunale che temo molto, in cui mi chiederanno se ho fatto di tutto per vivere e io annuirò, non alla domanda, ma alla risposta implicita che loro – ed io – abbiamo nella testa: no. E’ vero. Tutto mi parla di baguettes, di mansarde, di io che aspetta che ora accompagno la bambina e poi torno qui e mi metto a posare per te. Con un fiore in bocca.
Avessi detto a uno dei miei fidanzati cosa mi sfrullava per la testa mi avrebbero probabilmente lasciato con denunzia. Avessero saputo che andavo di nascosto all’Accademia dell’Arte di Firenze con il desiderio di diventare modella nuda, tanto per vedere la reazione degli astanti a quel corpo che ho odiato – così rotondo, così compatto – mi avrebbero sputato nell’occhio. Non lo sono diventata, modella-baco, perchè al solito non se ne è presentata l’occasione: io sono persona virtuosa per mancanza di occasioni, come molte altre suffragette, solo che questo non mi ha invelenito.
La coperta di piume arrotolata sul divano, dove mi addormento da anni, mi ricorda che nemmeno stanotte ce l’ho fatta a dormire nel talamo – il mio incubo: ma perchè esiste una camera dove devi dormire, con un letto che devi condividere, con una persona che ti deve stare accanto. Ma sarò libera la notte io di infilarmi i calzini, il cappotto e andare a camminare? E perchè la mattina lo devo sentire andare a sgrollare il tutto nel bagno a pochi metri? Ma nemmeno per sogno. Io dormo in salotto, e se l’Inglese si presenta deve essere per qualcosa di più interessante di NatGeo Wild. E ci mancherebbe altro.
Mi sono scusata ieri con la mia ospite, le ho detto in inglese mi spiace, non sono domestica. In realtà ho detto che non sono addomesticata, ma è lo stesso. Mi guardava con l’occhio perduto quando mi chiedeva e io non le sapevo rispondere su quesiti facili facili. La guardavo io con espressione attonita quando mi diceva cosa avrebbe fatto fra trentanni, felice. E felice lo era, sinceramente, mentre lo diceva. Più equilibrata, più serena. Quando ti sposerai, le dico. Lei risponde Sì, anche se non sono ancora promessa. Culture diverse, per non sapere cosa mettere alla televisione ho infilato Al Jazeera – poi ho sperato di non averla offesa. Questi imbarazzi orrendi, mi verrebbe da urlare Guarda che io sono tranquilla. Bacia mia figlia con amore, penso a come sarà fortunato il marito: mi ha appena impippiato di cose buonissime, e come mi giro mi sorride. Da ieri sono ingrassata un chilo, strafogandomi felice di cipolle e pollo e riso e uvetta, altro che posare nuda.
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