Problema

Juanita de Paola

La piccina ha trovato la sua vittima privilegiata, un ragazzo che rientra da Londra – dall’inaugurazione del nuovo negozio di Prada. Mezza Pinta sapeva leggere Prada a tre anni, e così pure Cartier e Gucci: deve questo talento al sua daddy, che è un pierre  londinese per cui l’immagine conta e anche la marca. Si è messo con me, l’antimateria dello shopping, l’eretica della moda, il maschio con le puppe, per espiare le colpe di una vita vacua. Mi sono messa con lui per sapere sempre cosa pensa il nemico.

La bimba sta per mostrare al suo nuovo amico, che prova a dormire povero disgraziato, tutte le foto nell’ipod, ipad, iphone, i-qualunque cosa: bimba con mamma, mamma con bimba, mamma con bimba con daddy, daddy da solo, pupazzo, pupazzo con fiocco, e così via. Seicento immagini in streaming, caramellate dai filtri di Instagram e simili, che fanno sembrare belle anche le foto agli scaracchi per strada.

Il ragazzo, pisano, è gentile. Ha gli occhi buoni.

Sono circondata da livornesi che stanno crocifiggendo la hostess, una povera disgraziata irlandese che era meglio se si metteva un cappuccio con due fori in capo. Eccola dè, è bélla bélla, tira fori ir teleomando, vai, Samsung – la ragazza ha la testa un pò grossa.

Ora a voi vi sembrerà nulla. Ma dopo la cattività albionese questo è fluido mellifluo che giunge alle mie trombe di Eustachio. Sono estasiata dalla cattiveria, dall’accento e dalla cadenza. Mi piacciono le basette, i capelli imbionditi e anche gli anelloni d’argento di questo terzetto di surfisti alla deriva inglese. Mi garbano i loro piedi nei calzini fuori dalle scarpe – c’ho du’piedi ora vo a cercà l’anello dé.

Mentre il santo alla mia destra non cede e aiuta il piccolo mostro a truccare una sgualdrina, un giochino per iPhone in voga fra le bambine inglesi, la hostess numero due ci chiede di agganciare la cintura, fra trentacinque minuti saremo a Pisa.

Scendiamo e mi ricordo, dopo dieci anni e passa di blog, dopo concioni infinite, discussioni squadrate con la riga e confezionate con l’alluminio, cosa dire alla prossima tavolata internazionale in cui sarò sotto attacco.

Scena. Ciack. Azione.

“Problema”

L’aereo low-cost arriva a Pisa. La gente sgancia le cinture un quarto d’ora prima dell’annuncio ma lo fa in silenzio. La gente striscia per prendere le valigie e allunga i propri arti di sei metri circa, aprendo i cruscotti e ritirando i propri beni, senza emettere suono.

Le signore si rimettono i cappotti con la forza del pensiero e, subito dopo l’applauso post atterraggio, tutti sono in fila ai bocchettoni d’uscita.

Ci sono cento persone. Dieci grandi britannici pallidi si buttano per le scale e corrono alla dogana per arrivare ai rulli per primi. Quattro donne dai calcagni sassoni e capelli cotonati attraversano la pista a balzi e li superano. Un tedesco si gratta il culo e impreca perchè tutti lo sorpassano. Cinque non identificati, dodici quintali l’uno, aspettano la macchinina per gli impediti.

Quanti italiani ci sono?

“Soluzione”

Ottanta. E sono tutti a guardare la luna piena mentre, lentamente, si dirigono alla dogana e poi al rullo – che tanto se vai piano arrivi che il rullo inizia a girare.

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