Ai bambini a scuola vengono chieste le abitudini dei loro nuclei familiari. Credo che succeda per attingere da un ambiente dove (si suppone) si sentono sicuri della forma e dei contenuti, per poi passare a deduzioni sull’ambiente che li circonda. O qualcosa di simile. Quindi il brivido freddo che ti galoppa sulla schiena la prima volta che tua figlia ti dice “oggi abbiamo descritto cosa facciamo a casa” innesca una catena di pensieri. Fra cui.
1) Dormo sul divano. Faccio dormire chiunque sul divano, immenso, a sedici posti. Se potessi cucinerei in camera da letto e mi laverei in cucina: è natura, non ci posso fare niente. Penseranno che sono separata – in realtà è molto peggio, anche l’Inglese dorme sul divano.
2) Ogni due giorni arriva un amica a dormire e mangiare a casa mia, insegno alla piccola Cecilia a chiamare tutti zia e zio, anche per non doversi fare in futuro grandi domande sulle famiglie allargate.
3) Per un’overdose di allegria, almeno una volta a settimana, io e Federica (che vive con me) ci imbruttiamo al massimo livello possibile e facciamo balli scoordinati che riprendiamo e poi riguardiamo sul computer; in queste sessioni è nato il ballo dell’intrombabilità, che non riesco nemmeno a immaginare senza schiantare a ridere.
4) Quando il cane vecchio si ferma a guardare il muro, in casa ci mettiamo tutti nella sua stessa posizione (a quattro zampe, immobili, con la faccia a un millimetro dalla calce) per non fargli pesare la sua cecità.
5) Mangiamo alle sei e quaranta, la sera e andiamo a letto alle dieci, massimo. A meno che non ci sia una serata con amici.
6) Ogni mattina che Dio mette in terra io e l’Inglese litighiamo sul vestimento della piccina: lui la vuole in stile “piccola imperatrice morta e imbalsamata durante regime comunista imperiale”, io la vesto in stile “Heidi ha scoperto le calze di filanca e i maglioncini”. Pur di non vederla vestita come piace all’altro/a, io e l’Inglese ci alziamo naturalmente verso le quattro.
7) Ordino casse di vino e ancora oggi, quando arrivano, ho la stessa foia delle casalinghe degli anni sessanta quando arrivava il pacco di Vestro.
8) Non uso le ciabatte, e non le faccio usare: non ho capito mai cosa dà il diritto a una persona che vive con un’altra di avere un vestimento ganzo per il fuori e uno buffo, tuttosommato antiassalto, dentro casa. Piedi nudi, quelli mi piacciono.
9) E’ rigorosamente vietato ammalarsi. Chiunque si ammali sa che al quarto brodo cucinato inizio a scalpitare, a innervosirmi. Chi si ammala almeno abbia la buona creanza di nasconderlo.
10) La lavanderia è una comunità di formiche operaie che dividono il bianco, dal colorato, dal nero, che sanno scegliere i detersivi come gli ammorbidenti, che conosce gli orari della bio-oraria e che stende (immediatamente) il tutto, lo stira e poi lo riponde al giusto posto. Io no, io sono l’ape regina: a me mi portano i regalini.
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alla voce ciabatta ho riso fortissimo e mi sono vergognata.
la ciabatta è buffa solo se te la regalano le persone con cui vivi (e nel caso, non è comunque detto che ti abbiano fatto un favore).
ho pensato che nella mia casa del futuro, quella dove andrò a vivere un giorno non so quando e dove sarò immensamente felice, la parola d’ordine sarà PARQUET: nella casina attuale, andar scalzi, con la temperatura media del pavimento intorno ai 10° anche d’estate, porta di defaul al punto 9.
(no, non vivo in una grotta ma è come se. sì, sono sempre malaticcia, ma con le ciabatte buffe un po’ meno. in ogni caso sono ridicola)