Mia figlia mi ha detto che è preoccupata per me, perchè le chiedo, perchè stai invecchiando mamma. La ringrazio, come quando mi dice che ho il sedere grosso giusto per una poltrona, e chiedo da cosa lo capisca. Mi dice che ho le rughe quando rido e che lei è quasi alta come me; che fra un pò di tempo io diventerò piccina e lei mi terrà nella sua pancia, per farmi rinascere. Mi dice anche di non preoccuparmi per il sangue, che non è pericoloso, che viene dai globuli rossi e loro sono gentili. “Poi ci sono anche le pestrine”. Immagino si riferisca alle piastrine. Queste discussioni sono il risultato di avere lasciato mio padre (chirurgo) con mia figlia per lungo tempo quando era più piccola.
Certe parole hanno un peso in più, anche se con umiltà provo ad accogliere anche le altre, quelle che non mi appartengono – appropriato, perbenino, terratetto, anticipo. Quelle dei bambini in genere mi ricordano di come penso quando non mi devo fermare a disegnare filtri, a dire la cosa giusta nel modo giusto e posso, più semplicemente, dare fiato a concetti che mi appartengono. Sempre meno, purtroppo.
Allora mi sono avvicinata allo specchio e le ho notate, certo, non ci faccio caso perchè non mi misuro, non guardo come sto: mi lavo i denti, mi spennello la faccia con la terra abbronzante per non sembrare verde e mi butto i capelli all’indietro. Ecco fatto. E poi arriva Cecilia e mi ricorda che non è mica coraggio o forza, questo menefreghismo: non li volevo vedere proprio quei solchi negli occhi e nelle guance. Cristo, ho anche i baffi.
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Fare un figlio è anche un po’morire e rinascere, almeno io ho avuto questa sensazione.
E comunque anche il mio, quando mi taglia i capelli con la macchinetta, mi dice ogni volta che aumenta il bianco.
“diventerò piccina e lei mi terrà nella sua pancia, per farmi rinascere”
questa mi piace perdavvero.