Il pensiero mi ha preso alla sprovvista una volta in treno, fermi fra Lucca e Pisa su un treno affettuosamente chiamato Il Gasolone dai suoi habitue’, per il rinomato aroma di Dakau che vi si respirava dentro: dopo un’ora di freddo e disperazione per il ritardo accumulato, ho capito il senso della frase carpe diem. Non l’orrenda ricerca di vite emozionali, tragicamente felici, non lo stolto tentativo umano di immettere la poesia nella vita ma il preciso opposto. Non l’aspirazione di una vita migliore, ma la migliore vita possibile fra quelle che ti si parano davanti.
La quiete avvolge noialtri che si ride piano, anche in mezzo alla gente che esplode in fragori, che fa amicizia con facilita’: li guardiamo con invidia affettuosa, stiamo nei paraggi – non troppo vicini, per essere sicuri che non tentino di coinvolgerci in qualche scenetta di mimo, non troppo lontani, per essere siucuri di non perdersi il loro brio – e sorridiamo beati. Accanto al teatro di Shakespeare, qui dietro le quinte, al ristorante degli artisti con la cameriera gentile, fra aghi di pino e minestre servite come Dio comanda (chili di burro, chili di pane caldo agli aromi, litri di vino, luci basse, servizio attento) e’ il Natale che mi si para davanti.
Che Natale sara’ questo? A ventisei anni mi ero detta che di questi tempi sarei stata lontano, molto lontano, in una terra enorme come l’Australia, attorno ad un caminetto e senza lavoro. Ero depressa, insomma, inanellare una serie di fallimenti come i miei all’universita’ (tutte le facolta’ a parte filosofia, praticamente) puo’ tirarti giu’. Sono in Gran Bretagna, invece, e non ho l’acetone.
Che Natale e’? Non lo so, non mi interessa piu’, accolgo i giorni come figli con un handicap mentale, da tenere caldi vicino al petto con tenerezza, sperando di non morire prima di loro per non lasciarli da soli incustoditi in un mondo poco gentile. Il migliore dei mondi, ma certo strambo, crudele a tratti. Il signore accanto a me sibila alla moglie che non si vede una faccia di negro in giro, lo intercetto con uno sguardo da dinosauro estinto come gli compete. La signora senza denti bianchi e due figli maschi prende in giro mia figlia, vestita molto elegante (troppo, e’ vero). Mi avvicino e davanti ai suoi figli sussurro che ho un cancro in fase terminale, che dovrebbe stare attenta a quello che dice in futuro, questo e’ probabilmente l’ultimo Natale che passiamo assieme e vogliamo celebrarlo come si deve. La signora brutta rimane ammutolita, le si gonfiano gli occhi, i figli che sogghignavano si pietrificano e chiedono scusa. Il marito mi guarda vergognoso: spero che le chieda il divorzio, a quella stronza. Buon Natale.
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