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La mia amica M ha due cose: la prima è la capacità di amare senza guardarsi dai pericoli, la seconda è un cestino di vimini zibillo di guepieres per occasioni speciali. Le ha comprate al discount della biancheria intima, perchè sapeva di non dovere guardare in faccia la commessa e che nessuno l’avrebbe salutata, quando ha incontrato la sua metà. Mi dice che quando ha iniziato la sua storia con P lui la amava raffinata e lei non ha esitato: ha speso e spanso per adeguarsi al di lui ideale. Si è buttata di testa, “quando succede perdo la capacità di calcolare, divento perdente”. Dice perdente, come le persone troppo magre dicono di non avere fame ora: non se ne accorgono, che non gli va mai di mangiare, che ce l’hanno dentro. Perdente, le donne, ce l’hanno scalfito nell’animo, perchè così ci insegnano, tirano su, dileggiano. Perdente, invece, è chi non si fa ammazzare per amore.

Quando P la viene a trovare una, due, tre volte al mese, assieme scelgono un posto dove stare assieme, cenare al lume di candela, baciarsi e stare in intimità e poi, al momento di crollare nel sonno più becero, quello dove si russa, lei riparte come una fatina e torna nel suo letto, a casa sua: lui non vuole che lei lo senta russare. Gli uomini, questo gli va dato, sono dei campioni su pista. Sono come delle turbine di vaccate cui noi donne forniamo energia nucleare per fusione – e gratuita. “La prima volta”, mi dice M, “che siamo stati assieme mi sono portata il beauty case – la borsina cui noi donne deleghiamo la nostra presentabilità e i segreti più turpi: no gas giuliani, tamponi, piega ciglia, incanta peli, corrodi unghie, scalcina forfora – e ho detto a mia mamma non torno stanotte“.

“Arriviamo in questa bella casa, un rustico, così romantico: c’ho messo del mio a trovarlo. Stiamo a cena, si parla, si fa anche tardi e poi, certo”. Inizia a ridere. “Al momento di addormentarsi lui mi fa capire che non sta bene stare assieme dopo. Prendo il beauty e torno a casa”. Ripenso a quando sono stata tre anni con un fidanzato in un altro continente, senza vederlo più di due volte l’anno, dicendo a tutti che ci saremmo sposati. Quando? Ma che ne so quando, non posso mica pianificare ogni cosa. Ricordo gli sguardi di pena delle mie amiche. Ora, dico: una donna cosa deve fare per essere amata? Non lo so. Non l’ho mai capito. Fare presenza? Lanciarsi in acquisti facendo un mutuo in banca per adeguarsi al di lui ideale di noi stesse? Oppure deve latitare? O cercare di essere la fidanzata, moglie, compagna perfetta, quella che tutto sa e tutto capisce?

Interrogarsi sull’amore è come cercare una formula matematica per sapere quante piroette farà un ballerino con cinque minuti a disposizione e un palco di legno. Ma interrogarsi sui feticci che ci portano a fare sempre le solite scelte – a quelle che si immolano e a quelle che vivono tranquillamente senza – quello è d’obbligo: perchè la discesa senza freni arriva sempre dopo quella curva lì? Non potrebbe esserci un passaggio più veloce, meno infelice, abbastanza riparato? Perchè casco sempre e comunque da questa bicicletta? “Eri così?”, chiede M. “Così come?” – temo di sapere la risposta. Quello che non ti ho detto, M, è che una notte sono stata a strusciare la mia testa contro un’ascella che non era quella giusta, ad ascoltare musica retrò e guardare le foto di un piccolo paesino sul mare. Quella sera avrei lasciato tutto, ogni cosa: gli affetti, il lavoro, le chitarre, per andare lì. Quando il proprietario dell’ascella ha aperto le fauci, per il terrore che non me lo chiedesse, gli ho tappato la bocca con la grazia del macellaio. Schiò. Ho ancora il cestino di cotone con dentro le foto e il cd delle canzoni retrò, però.

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