Non cambia nulla, cioè, nulla.

juanita

Tredici febbraio 1996 sera: il contascatti scatta, fa rumore, fisicamente rimbalza sullo stomaco mentre provo a contattare la mia amica Mary dell’Arizona. Percepisco uno stipendio non meritato da mio padre, e fanno quattrocentomilalire al mese per vivere, sopravvivere, straviziare, fare e brigare. Di questi, almeno ottanta finiranno nelle casse della Telecom mediante il contatore della Zia Wanda, il cui vero nome è (ovviamente) Annamaria. Per tutti Wanda. Per il mio amico Matteo: Wandalasvegas. La mia amica Mary mi ha mostrato che esiste un mondo di profumi alla mela e balli sul cubo da obese senza compromettere la dignità: non lo dimenticherò mai più. La devo trovare. La trovo: ha tre figlie, fa la dietista.

Tredici febbraio 1996, pomeriggio: recuperare amiche e amici dell’infanzia tirando fuori episodi più che dimenticati. Mi sono rimaste delle cose sullo stomaco del periodo del campino, ovvero delle altalene quando si sono passati i venti: le devo risolvere, è necessario chiamare quelli che ho maltrattato precedentemente. E’ fondamentale, molto più dell’esame di Fisica due che mi sta facendo perdere capelli, denti, giovinezza. Quindi chiamo la ciccia, fidanzata di coso, che ho dileggiato per dieci anni, e le chiedo scusa. Non si ricorda nemmeno che esisto, fra poco, e ancora provo vergogna per la telefonata: lo dovevo fare, però, nonostante tutto. Sono l’idiota del villaggio.

Tredici febbraio 1996, mattino: fondamentale sopravvivere al campo profughi che la gente chiama Università. E’ l’ora di Geometria, il professore mi dileggia, fa bene, non capisco un cacchio, vado alla lavagna, mi guardano il sederone: Gesù fammi morire, qui. Ora. Vado al bar, mi sento inadeguata. Vado alla sala computers, mi sento fuori luogo. Vado alla mensa, penso di non meritarmi un pasto alla mensa perchè sono in ritardo con gli esami. Chiedo il progetto Erasmus, mi guardano con pena, disgusto: sono indietro. Non ne ho il diritto, sono figlia di dottore – e in più sono in ritardo, terribile. Studio quattordici ore al giorno, senza risultato. Quattordici.

E’ pazzesco, ma non è cambiato nulla: sono in ritardo al mattino, faccio boiate nel pomeriggio, cerco amici la sera.

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