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Lo stylist dice che il migliore amico delle ragazze quest’estate è il ferretto per fare i boccoli – l’anno scorso era la piastra, per il liscio totale. “Too thick”, dice. Si è comprato un cascinale vicino ad Arezzo pensando di essere nella provincia di Siena e ha chiamato un’arredatrice per sistemarlo perbenino. Le stanze sono colorate a spregio nei colori che il toscano nemmeno sa enumerare: arancione acceso con sfumature indaco, pistacchino chiaro caldo, lilla allegro. I mobili sono stati scartavetrati e ridipinti di bianco, così come piace ad una fetta di umanità che ha scambiato questa regione per la casa dei Little. I letti a finto baldacchino, con delle aste che si perdono nel vuoto ma non baldàccano nulla, le tendine colorate in concomitanza con le copricoperte, le lampadine e i tappetini del bagno dell’Ikea.

“Hm” è la risposta tipica che uno riceve da queste parti quando ordina qualcosa, ad esempio, al bar. Oppure “ma ora si vede” se chiamando un agriturismo – non so per quale motivo, è una forma di accoglienza che raramente accontenta nessuno, nemmeno le lucertole nascoste fra le travi – si chiede distrattamente “avete disponibilità di una camera per due settimane ad Agosto?”. Mentre i cugini dell’Alto Adige, che praticano la farm-house a livelli di eccellenza impensabile, che tagliano l’erba con le forbici per le unghie, che lavorano come delle bestie e restano magri, prevedono sconti progressivi per premiare chi li sceglie, noi applichiamo piuttosto la tecnica del tonno in scatola: dopo tre forchettate non se ne può già più.

Il menù tipico dalle nostre parti è prosciutto di provenienza dubbia (ipercoop o conad?) e pomodori insipidi, accompagnato a vino della casa atroce – quello buono, noi lo si tiene di dietro, per noialtri. Il mio amico P, che si era trasferito qui con il sogno della casetta rustica con piscina, è scappato via dopo quattro anni con l’intento di non tornarci mai più, nemmeno come turista. Il poveruomo si era impiantato a Lucca, dove – nonostante un carattere cordiale e un’innata signorilità – aveva stretto amicizia solo col vigile del parcheggio. Che era di Roma. Ricordo la sua faccia, sempre più triste, man mano che da lunedì si arrivava al venerdì sera: il tempo della festa, degli amici, dell’incontrarsi da qualche parte e proseguire in compagnia.

Lo stylist affitta la sua villa a turisti in cerca di aria condizionata e apparecchi elettrici anti zanzare, a questa razza che anela l’aneurisma e che è diffusissima.  Sarebbe come se, andando in Jamaica, mettessimo fra i criteri principali di ricerca: vorrei un bungalow senza cervi volanti nei paraggi oppure vorrei menu’ che escludano il pesce. Noi, qui, sudiamo e conviviamo con le zanzare, venendo martoriati con orgoglio: non conosco quasi nessuno di qua che usi le cremine anti pinzature. “Quando ti sposi ti passa tutto” è la risposta: per i pruriti, per i brutti voti, per la mancanza di soldi, per gli incidenti. Il talamo nuziale, considerato dal toscano il giusto inizio della tragedia, l’inevitabile ma salvifica punizione in vita, l’infrangibile catena con una persona a caso che conosciamo da sempre, è la soluzione a tutto.

La modella sua amica gli si appoggia caramente sulla spalla, con i capelli che scendono giù come fili dei telefoni negli anni settanta. Abbiamo bevuto limonata per ore, in una brocca di cristallo e foglie di mentuccia cosparse: mi si è mosso lo stomaco. La ragazzina carina, che fa le foto per i cataloghi, giocherella con la foglietta di mentuccia e gesticola parecchio, il mio amico A le chiede qualunque cosa che si collochi fra la tabellina dell’uno e il libro preferito, vorrebbe metterle le zampe addosso e io mi auguro che sia così, di modo che entrambi si alzino da questo maledetto tavolo bianco, una volta color legno, e mi lascino qui sotto il pergolato di glicine con lo stylist che vaneggia di trattamenti cinesi per le radici dei capelli. E tutti i pashmina azzurri appoggiati alle seggiole.

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