Qualche anno fa sono stata invitata a valutare un immobile di grande pregio, con parco, con statue, con vigne, con piscina di acqua di mare a sfioro, con l’elicottero parcheggiato, con le torri romantiche, con il sono system nel parco, insomma con tutto quello che uno si aspetta nella magione di un milionario che è partito da niente. L’oggetto più interessante era sicuramente il figlio, mio coetaneo, che avrei valutato più approfonditamente senza nemmeno ricaricare la mia famosa parcella oraria. Avevo appena sgravato, con un peso corporeo specifico di ottantasei chili. Ne avevo persi solo sei durante il parto: avevo approfittato dei nove mesi per rifarmi di tutte le tagliatelle mai mangiate prima, per ingozzarmi di gelato e per bere litri di coca cola. Ricordo ancora con grande gioia l’ingollare tutto, sempre, senza problemi.
Dopo un’ispezione accurata ci eravamo seduti, ci avevano dato vino bianco fresco e succhi di frutta. Per non fare vedere le braccia come cosce e le cosce come alberi ero vestita come a febbraio, con uno sciarpino che coprisse il doppio mento. Il giovane coetaneo, invece, era in magliettina bianca fina fina e jeans accomodati su terga strepitose. C’erano anche i suoi dodici figli biondi e, dopo poco, la ninfa che aveva sottratto al suo habitat naturale e sposato. La valutazione era finita nel sangue, come al solito, e non se ne era fatto di nulla – la magra consolazione è che il castello è ancora lì, e che forse avevo ragione a dire che dentro di sè, loro non lo volevano vendere per niente. Mi ero alzata sperando di vanificarmi, eppure come un pachiderma ero rimasta, fisica, ad occupare uno spazio di ottanta chili circa. Il giovane figlio mi aveva accompagnato, così come si fa con le vecchie senza denti, e aperto lo sportello della macchina. Ero sparita, purtroppo non del tutto.
Qualche mese dopo ci eravamo risentiti, il giovane aveva preso le redini di un carro che non aveva assolutamente bisogno di essere guidato e voleva che ci mettessimo in affari insieme: ero piaciuta. Daltronde donne di stazza chilometrica e con figli sono statisticamente un jolly da assumere perchè non comportano complicazioni come storiacce sul lavoro e in genere: solide di caviglia, solide di morale. Ci eravamo rivisti, a quel punto io navigavo sempre nella settantina di chili – e mi sembra straordinario ricordarmi il mio peso giorno per giorno ma dimenticare i nomi delle persone: che cos’è, una sindrome? Voleva un ufficio assieme, avevamo vagliato qualche posto, poi era sparito.
Qualche anno dopo ci siamo sentiti ancora, mi aveva invitato. Sarei dovuta andare al castello, per celebrare il suo nuovo accoppiamento con la donna cerbiatto, un esemplare di caratura ancora superiore al precedente, di circa ventidue anni. Mi avevano spedito le foto, lui ci teneva al fatto che io, e molti altri probabilmente, vedessimo quale popò di femmina si era accaparrato. Avevo declinato perchè non ho nulla da mettere in queste situazioni e perchè avrei passato la sera a piangere, a pensare a quanto sono inadeguata, a vergognarmi perchè non so attaccare discorso se non riguarda il lavoro o un passato comune.
Oggi navigo nella sessantina (chili e anni interiori). Di tanto in tanto vado su internet a cercare le foto del giovane uomo che anni fa incontrai nel castello e davanti al quale agitai due chiappe improponibili. Mastodontiche. Lo ritrovo con la cerbiatta, su qualche rivista, in qualche flickr, su Getty Images. Cerco lei, prima di tutto, perchè le forme del suo volto sono perfette e io spero che un giorno, a forza di guardarle, mi capitino pure a me. Lui ora ha i capelli striati di grigio e il naso rosso di chi ha sbevazzato un pochino troppo e veste di bianco sempre, o forse tutte le foto sono di Saint Tropez. Forse vivono a Saint Tropez, in piscina, con un sacco di gente vestita da gladiatori – quella foto lì non l’ho capita bene. Spero che lui mi chiami fra dieci anni, per allora sarò nella cinquantina, sia esterna che interna.
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Juanita, sono estasiata dal tuo modo di scrivere. Come son piccoli gli scrittori la fuori…
Roberta Sergio
Ah Sabrina cattivella. E se invece lei fosse lì a cambiare il di lui linidor con affetto?
Fra dieci anni il baldo ragazzo barra uomo barra vecchio sarà finito e sfinito dalle numerose flashate subite a S.Tropez e non starà più nella “sua pelle”. La cerbiatta sarà scappata via verso altri lidi o piscine, seduta su una sdraia a raccontare i tempi vissuti al suo solo unico interlocutore, una cane minimale…