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E’ fatta: quando sei donna e ti abbordano altre donne per fare amicizia con ‘andiamoci a fare un tea alla menta qualche volta’ vuole dire che i centinaia di euro spesi in fillers, botulino, acidi, creme riparatrici alla rosa canina e guano di varano hanno fatto il loro dovere, congelandoti il muso in un’espressione che sta a mezzo fra il beato e l’infinitamente caritatevole. Una faccia che esprime serenità e che non si acciglia mai, nemmeno quando ha un’arrabbiatura ciclopica in tasca – come oggi, come me, come ora.  

Ho fatto il salto della quaglia. La palizzata delle calorie. La crociata del peso: ho deciso due anni fa di perdere una bella montagna di chili e ce l’ho fatta.

Questa scalata mi ha riempito di gioia che capisco sia comprensibile o anche solo notabile solo a quelli che di tanto in tanto si sono persi l’ombellico e i piedi dalla vista. A quelli che hanno passato anni in montagna ad Agosto e al mare a Febbraio perchè disperati del proprio corpo, della sua pesantezza.

Il raggiungimento dello scalino di sessanta chili, partendo da settantasei, ha scatenato un’euforia che continua ancora oggi il suo corso e che, difficile da ammettere, ha modificato la mia natura in più socievole, più dolce, più possibilista.

Non se n’è andata, e forse non lo farà mai, la paura di cedere di nuovo al canto delle sirene: non sono ancora sicura di poter essere lasciata in presenza di una focaccia al gorgonzola, doppia pasta, e un litro di vino rosso del Chianti senza finirli, entrambi, nell’arco di sei respiri.

Un morsino di pane qui, un cucchiaino di tiramisù là, un barattolo di gelato dopo cena, una tavola di cioccolato al riso soffiato in macchina, cantando: questa, sebbene non mi garbi per niente, sono io al naturale.

Vorrei essere dotata di un metabolismo fantastico e di essere una di quelle femmine straordinarie che al ristorante, la sera, possono ordinare anche il dolce dopo le tagliatelle ai funghi – ma io non lo sono, così, e gonfio come un rospo solo a guardarle le dannate tagliatelle. Il dottore ha detto che uno deve scegliere i propri carboidrati e io ho scelto il vino, dimenticandomi di paste e pizze se non per qualche sporadica riunione piena d’amore, tre o quattro volte all’anno.

Ai difensori della naturalità come valore assoluto mi piace, quando ne ho voglia e mi sento allegra, rammentare che in mancanza di riscaldamento, artifizi e tutto quell’orripilante scienza statistica chiamata medicina tradizionale, la nostra aspettativa di vita sarebbe ancora ventidue anni, come ai tempi dello Pterodattilus Insistens. E che io sarei coperta di peli, dalle sopracciglia al collo.

Non sono nemmeno in salvo dai consigli probi di tutti quelli che, rimandendo al palo degli ottanta, novanta, duecento, si scoprono dietologi e nutrizioniste esperte con laurea honoris causa sul mio metabolismo. Mi hanno diagnosticato sei cancri, una morte certa per colesterolo vagante, una disfunzione mentale per cui io non solo non so cucinare i manicaretti, ma non so nemmeno dosare le mie porzioni in un ristorante francese – due, tre, di tutto. Che ci devo fare: sono ingorda.

Hanno ragione loro, ma per qualche motivo hanno delle ciambelle di grasso che somigliano parecchio alla mia, quella che avevo prima.

Ma io non mi scoraggio, e così come da piccola mi sono chiusa dentro la camera della nonna per inventarmi un brand che oggi, dopo anni, non solo esiste ma mi dà pure i soldi per comprarmi i tramezzini al tonno e yogurt greco, altrettanto due anni fa sono partita per una crociata: trasformare un corpo regolarmente deforme, assolutamente piacevole sia vestito che svestito ma lontano da quell’immagine ideale del sè fisico che ognuno sviluppa per ottenerne uno più bellino, più somigliante a quella signora che vive dentro di me e che vorrebbe oggi recuperare ogni minuto passato lontano dal mare, dall’acqua.

Quindi la dieta di mantenimento continua, con un giorno di grande sofferenza a settimana e due di premio. Negli altri mangio quasi sempre le solite cose, pollo lesso, insalata, pomodori, zucchini, quella roba là, con orrore delle mie amiche che indossano la taglia novanta e sono molto preoccupate per me.

L’anno scorso, alla fine del percorso di perdita, quando sono salita sul podio e mi sono data la corona d’alloro da sola, mi sono finalmente guardata nello specchio dopo la doccia. Non lo facevo da dieci anni. Ho pensato che il tutto non era male, non era punto male. A parte la faccia che, dato lo smaltimento massivo, si era tuffata verso il basso e svuotata di quelle guanciotte a mela di Biancaneve che mi sono sempre tanto piaciute.

L’occasione si è presentata sotto forma di proprietario di una clinica estetica famosissima, forse la più famosa, di Londra. Il mio significante mezzo, il ragazzo che è anche padre di mia figlia nonchè mia imperitura dannazione, ne curava – e ancora lo fa – le pubbliche relazioni.

L’appuntamento è stato preso.

Pacchi di roba mi sono stati impunturiti, somministrati, spalmati. Tutto nell’arco di mezzora. Una trentina di minuti in cui farsi tutte le domande del caso: ma sono cretina? Ma cosa sto facendo? Ma Anna Magnani diceva. Ma la vera bellezza. Ma vaffanculo e vediamo che viene fuori: voglio essere bella, anzi, bellissima. Per una volta.

Via la ruga in mezzo alla fronte, via il fiero cipiglio calabro. Via le conche attorno alla bocca e la palla sotto gli occhi. Per un anno da allora ci sono stata io nello specchio, la ragazza che a trentanni è rimasta incinta quando ancora non c’era nemmeno lontanamente l’idea di crescere e che, dopo sei anni, s’era ritrovata cresciuta e con la faccia in giù: a quella ragazza, che oggi è una donna, che non teme la vecchiaia e la morte se la sua bambina sta bene e fa le sue cose perbenino, hanno dato una seconda possibilità: vedersi bellina e con la faccia fresca.

Non cambiamenti strutturali, voglio dire, non bocche gonfiate, non nasi affilati, non roba strana. No. Io. Solo “io” dieci anni fa. Solo che adesso sono passati centoventi mesi e io ho capito tante cose che, come quei segni, hanno lasciato dolore e gioia.

Quest’anno, per l’anniversario di otto anni con quella bestia di satana che mi sono messa accanto e che di certo non mi fa mai annoiare, mi sono fatta un regalo ancora più bellino: il microlifting liquido, una tecnica che va a infilzare, spremere e raffinare fuori dalla faccia, nell’aureola ideale che va dal mento alla cima della testa. Una specie di tiraggio da fuori area che leva anche le borse da sotto la mandibola, ma senza ferri, senza chirurgia. Il risultato è mozzafiato.

Una cosa fantastica.

Il dottore mi ha chiamato per dirmi che mi vuole fotografare, che sono venuta un amore. Il cameriere ventenne del pub mi ha chiesto il numero di telefono e mi ha chiesto se sono qui a Londra all’università – no tesoro, ma ecco i venti pound di mancia che ti sei meritato – e tante altre cose che ti fanno sbatacchiare gli occhioni con gioia e guance rosse.

In effetti, la controindicazione esiste: non avere la macchina del tempo, per tornare dalla fanciulla gotico-esistenzialista che non ama le feste e dirle di farla finita, di andare dal dottore delle punturine, cucirsi la bocca e mangiare meno.

Che la vita di una donna può essere magnifica, certi Lunedì, quando un ragazzetto ti fischia e ti butta un fiore, mentre ti porti sessanta sporte della spesa e la cartellina dell’inps sotto braccio.

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