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Per cucinare un uovo in camicia di forma compatta e con un ripieno piacevolmente moscio, ma non moccoloso, ci vogliono una serie di piccoli accorgimenti con cui prendere la mano e il senso dell’uovo, ovvero un orologio interno che ti fa sentire il momento opportuno per tirarlo via dall’acqua a bollore, anche a dispetto del timer.

Cucinare è opera per i diligenti. La preparazione è un’ouverture mentre la sequenza che culmina nel piatto richiede attitudine personale a seguire un preciso percorso, comunque tracciato da altri, nonché la memoria dei tempi, il rispetto delle dosi, l’utilizzo di temperature e metodi di cottura che funzionino. Per questo motivo e per la mancanza di tempo, che caratterizza i miei giorni da quando ho iniziato ad ingozzarmi di lavoro, cucinare è qualcosa in cui non mi trovo a mio agio – come guidare, parcheggiare, andare alle feste, pranzare con persone che non mi abbiano fatto innamorare almeno una volta, appaiare colori, mettermi in costume, parlare al telefono e molto altro.

L’uovo affrittellato è diverso, elementare come bere il caffè espresso al bar, simpatico e volgare come una scarpa alta con la zeppa o un paio di zoccoletti sotto delle caviglie forti. Fritto col pomodoro, poi, ricorda il disegnare all’asilo: tutti ti dicono bravo, ma tu sai bene di avere fatto un pastrocchio e va bene così.

L’omelette prende da subito una piega pop da canzoncina estiva, con quella consistenza idiota che recupera dignità solo con qualche erbetta e una dose abbondante di sottilette o fontina (per gli esperti che non si fanno venire un attacco di ansia al bancone del formaggio – troppa scelta, troppi colori e tagli, praticamente un lavoro non retribuito). Comunque sciapa, tragicamente porosa, non ci sono dubbi che in questa epoca di timidezza esistenziale l’omelette raccolga grande consenso dalle folle ignoranti che, su su dalla fogna puzzolente delle loro rabbie sommesse, sono venute a ricordarci il suono perfetto del latino, la grazia secca della compostezza, la consistenza lenitiva della frittata di pasta dopo una cena annaffiata (tristemente) a merlot.  

Completamente diversa e titanica è infatti la frittata, untuosa e impenetrabile, ghiotta come un giornalaccio, sfumata di spessore verso l’esterno della padella, vivace come l’amore dei vent’anni, rara come le lucciole in campagna quando mani vergognose si cercano per camminare strette, spaziale come il sogno di una vita a New York, sensuale come una donna con le gambe forti.

Non ho nulla da dire sulle uova strapazzate, quelle che purtroppo mi somigliano di più: si faccia finta che non siano l’ennesimo poached-egg in salsa olandese finito male, ci si racconti la storiella dell’intento, tanto un pasticcio rimane un pasticcio. Bruttine a vedersi, possono mantenere un certo decoro fino a che non si trovino esposte vicino ad un uovo barzotto condito con una spolverata di pepe rosso, uno schiaffo morale meritato eppure doloroso.

Che c’entra: ci si prova comunque. Anzi, ci si dichiara. Ci si gira verso la tavola e si dice mi dispiace, volevo farli diversi ma mi si sono rotti i tuorli. E tutti scansano i piatti per fare posto al tuo vassoio coperto da una ciotta gialla, dicono ‘non ti preoccupare’ e se la mangiano sorridendo perché l’hai fatta tu, e ti vogliono ancora più bene, così come ai cani con tre zampe.

Ho visto donne rompere la testa d’œuf à la coque con una cucchiaiata che sembrava un test attitudinale per Guantanamo. Ho visto uomini buttare la salsa barbeque sugli ovetti di quaglia. Ho assistito al taglio di uova sode col coltello seghettato, una pletora di fette bianche, anemiche, ed il tuorlo sfarinato tutto attorno, spampanato, come un piscialetto.

Ho visto me stessa sfornare omelettes ogni Domenica mattina per poi tornare a letto e passarci un giorno intero, nella speranza di sparire per sempre pur di non dovere affrontare il mostro a sei teste che era diventata la mia vita privata. Ho visto me stessa ordinare le uova più extravaganti in qualche disgraziato hotel a cinque stelle, sperando di auto-fagocitarmi assieme al maggiordomo e agli argenti, e poi pubblicare una bella foto su Instagram senza poterci scrivere ‘aiuto, sto male’ sotto. Ma quel tempo è finito, Londra è lontanissima e io pubblico solo foto della mia faccia quando ride – ho pianto molto. Non sono (più) arrabbiata, non cerco riscatto e spero che la terra mi sia lieve mentre la cammino ancora da viva, con rinnovata gioia. All’amore, che ho trascurato per tanti anni, chiedo di tornare a trovarmi un giorno, e se dovesse succedere, vorrei che ci fossero le lucciole e il pane con la frittata.

Ho smesso definitivamente di cucinare, ma nel mio piccolo sono un mago delle uova, che preparo solo per me. Da qualche mese le prendo dal contadino e mi bevo il tuorlo arancione bello crudo, senza sale naturalmente. A quelli che preoccupati mi dicono che si può morire di salmonellosi, dico che sono cresciuta in campagna e che i batteri possenti se ne stanno negli ospedali sterilizzati, raramente nei pollai e tra gli alberi. E che si muore comunque, tanto vale godere.

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